


The one I can trust?

by Totsietilly



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-19
Updated: 2021-01-03
Packaged: 2021-03-10 18:42:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 30
Words: 78,905
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28171875
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Totsietilly/pseuds/Totsietilly
Summary: This is gonna be some sappy shit so be prepared - probably feat some of my own poems and the character is probably going to be based on a refined and generally better version of me but this time imma not use my own name because that was a mistake XD
Relationships: Loki (Marvel) & Reader
Kudos: 3





	1. Chapter 1

**Charlotte Moore**

* * *

There's not enough people I love, not enough I trust or who trust me. Not enough people to counteract the ones I miss, but do not miss me, the friends who left. I can't even trust myself - can't trust myself not to love, can't trust myself not to hope, or to care, or to think. I can't trust myself not to run into the arms of whoever calls my name. I'm trying - trying to be better - and I'm just about getting there. I hide in my small apartment all day, writing shitty poetry, working on my tech. I'm a mechanic/inventor I guess, there isn't a specific label that can be put to what I do, I guess I'm just really a Physicist. I dot between lots of different things, but the last few years I've landed quite firmly into Mechanics, sometimes dipping into Astrophysics or Astronomy as a bit of a hobby. Tony Stark has always been an inspiration, his father was amazing, of course, but Tony has this air about him - he doesn't care if the world says no, he's going with his gut. I admire that.

I stumble back into my apartment, the one my father had quickly bought for me before abandoning me, age 9. it's 1 room, a broken bed with a cheap mattress, a small table and a stool and a small fridge. I pull out a rough sketch of what was seen when Thor first landed, a huge Jetstream, appearing to look like a collapsing neutron star in an Einstein Rosen bridge, or perhaps colliding neutron stars, or maybe some sort of event involving a supermassive black hole? I twist the picture around, trying to decipher what I'm seeing, and coming up blank. I angrily chuck the book at the floor, letting my head fall into my hands. How am I meant to design something to stop these events if I can't even work out what the hell I'm looking at? 

I sigh, running a hand through my short, electric blue tipped black hair, before making my way to the fridge. I pull out a beer, using it to swallow down a couple aspirin, before grabbing another can. I pull the cold can to my lips, the reflection of dull skin and black rimmed eyes staring back. Before I can take a drink, there is a sharp knock on my door. I swiftly stand up, glancing warily at the door while trying to remember if I had any visitors planned. I crack the door open, leaving the chain in place, to come eye to eye with 3 men dressed in black hoodies, one with blue jeans and the other with green cargo pants, both wearing face coverings. Robbers are common in this part of town, the run down apartment block down the sketchy alleyway doesn't have much cop protection so it's kind of a free zone.

"what the hell do you want this time?" I ask in a harsh tone. "We have an offer. Let us in and we won't blow your brain out of your fucking skull" Cargo pants replies, pointing his shotgun at me. "One second please." I say with a polite smile, calmly closing the door and removing the chain. I don't exactly have many valuables, and I don't doubt Mr. Cargo pants would hesitate to knock the fiberboard door down to 'blow my brains out of my skull' which, to be honest, doesn't sound too pleasant. I pull the door open, casually strolling across the room. They glance over the room, realising how void it is of objects. "Yeahh I don't exactly have a lot. maybe you should try out somewhere a little more upmarket?" I suggest, a smile on my face. Suddenly Jeans is holding a handgun to my head. "You're fucking useless." He mutters. I notice the lack of rounds in the bottom of his gun, the way he holds it shows where the center of gravity is. Who'd have guessed that physics would be useful in a time like this? 

I whip my handgun out the holster around my stomach and press it against his stomach. "yeahh I know thats empty, dumbass" I tell him as he slowly raises his hands. "Ok ok chill kid" Jeans says, a slightly scared look on his face. "For fucks sake, Garrett! Hers is probably empty too!" Cargo pants shouts. I whip around, shooting a single shot at the empty beer can I had left on the table, it flying across the room. I raise an eyebrow at him, a smirk playing at my lips. "empty, huh?" I ask. "oh shit the bitch is crazy" He mumbles grabbing the so called Garrett and running out. I let out a soft chuckle, so much for blowing my brains out! I pick up the small plastic ball before slotting it back into the gun. The gun I got from another experience like this - I'd managed to knock the dude out cold, stealing his gun only to see blank rounds. I managed to grab a round of plastic pellets from a shooting range, which by some stroke of luck, fitted into the gun. I now use it to scare away things like this. My aim is absolutely shit, but they don't know that. that's the trick you see, act confident and they just expect you to have a real round and some sort of military standard aim and combat skills. its the most hilarious thing ever, I swear to god, some people are too thick.

I chug down my beer, before heading out. I've got some things to pick up for my new project, I've just completed a design for bullets and arrows that deliver a dose of a sedative to the victim, thinking I could present them to SHIELD. I pull on my leather jacket, shoving my gun back into place and putting safety on. I've made that mistake before, accidently shooting myself in the thigh while walking down the street. those plastic bullets might not leave a wound, but they sure do sting and leave a hefty bruise, not to mention it almost gave me a bloody heart attack. I walk into the garage down the road, greeting the men working on a car out front before heading into a back room. I've been coming here for my gear since I started this whole project thing of trying to invent more creative ways to do things, so they all know me well, meaning I get some pretty good discounts on stuff.

"Ay Ryder! My girl! How've you been!" the manager greets me, a hand on my shoulder. I chose the name Ryder when I was 11 so don't judge. My real name is Charlotte, however when I turned 11 I guess I finally accepted my parents weren't coming back, so I wanted no connection to them. Also, Charlotte is so bloody English, and people don't tend to think of you as someone who will stand their own in a fight if you're some posh middle class girl called Charlotte. "ah can't Bill. You got any of this?" I ask, handing him a scrap of paper. "Oh, you're in luck, think I've got all this at the moment!" He walks into the supply room and begins rummaging around. "So, what you working on now, chick?" He asks loudly. "Non-lethal bullets. thinking of maybe taking them down to SHIELD headquarters, try to get some money out of the idea." I reply, casually strolling around, watching the men fix the engine of a roughed up Citroen. "Oh yeah, nice idea. seems like the sorta thing they'd be into. Here's your stuff by the way, it's all common stuff so $35 for the lot sound good to you?" he asks, setting a box down on the table. "Aw, you're too good to me Bill! Take $40!" I hand him the bills, him smiling thankfully at me. "oh you're too sweet. Good luck with you're bullets! see you around!" we wave at each other as I walk out of the shop, box in hand. "See ya, Tom!" I pat him on the back. He's new in the shop, fresh out of high school. "Oh- see ya, R." he replies, giving me a soft smile. I drop my box of goodies off at my apartment, before heading off to SHIELD headquarters.

"Hello, how may I help you today?" A soft voice asks me as I glance over the room. I am in what appears to be the lobby, a huge room with high ceilings and marble floors. It was quite the walk, took me half an hour to get here. "I'd like to book an appointment, please. It doesn't matter who, I have designed some bullets and arrows which administer a sedative which I'd like to present to someone." I reply, naturally shifting back into my British accent from the neutral accent I've managed to create for myself. "of course. this time next week work for you?" They ask, smiling kindly. "yeah thats perfect." I reply, still staring at the building. "perfect. Can I get a name?" "uh- yeah i'm- I'm Charlotte Moore, but I've gone by Ryder since I was 11." I reply, a tad unsure of what to say. "Okay, Ryder, you're all booked for 2:20 next Tuesday. Sound okay to you?" "yeah thats great thanks have a nice day" I reply, swiftly leaving the room. I'm glad I got an apppointment so soon, but fuck do I need to get to work. 

The next 6 days is solid work, finally perfecting the prototype. Suddenly it is Monday night, and I'm slumping down onto a chair, beer in hand. I chug down the beer, my eyelids getting heavy. With a soft sigh I drag myself over to the bed, wriggling around over the springs to try and get comfortable, before slipping into a restless dream.

_His rough hands over me, touching me, hurting me. He won't stop. I smell the alcohol on his breath as he leans in close, my naked body cold, shivering at every touch from the man. I turn my head to see my father walking in, stopping dead in his tracks. "YOU SLUT! YOU'RE 9 FUCKING YEARS OLD AND YOU'RE GOING AFTER MY FRIENDS???" Suddenly his calloused hand is around my wrist, pulling me away from the man and shoving me in the car, a pile of clothes quickly following. 3 hours later, I'm on a plane, ticket in hand along with a sheet of paper holding the information for my new apartment, and an envelope with a small wad of cash from my father. I let a tear escape my eye as I sit down on my bed in my new home, crying for the life I've lost._

I wake up in a panic, sweat dunning down my face, merging with the salty tears that pour from my eyes. "DAD NO HE WAS HURTING ME, I'M SORRY, HE WOULDN'T STOP!" I scream, running a hand down my face to wipe away the memory, turned nightmare. "Fuckkkk" I mumble, pulling myself out of bed. "I need a beer." An hour later, I'm slumped on the table, beer cans around me, my head a little clouded as I watch the sun begin to rise. I tidy up the drinks, pulling on my sports gear before heading down to the gym. I work out for 3 hours in the end, needing something to clear my mind. Working out tends to help with that, the raw pain of pushing myself, maybe too hard, drowning out my thoughts. Drenched in sweat again, I step into the shower a little after 8:30. After a lukewarm shower, I pull on some clothes off my floor, brushing my hair a little before making my way to work. I work at the garage I get my stuff from, them agreeing to give me the odd shift from a young age, until they finally put me on the payroll when I hit 14 and they hit a low point with employees. 

"hey, bill, mind if I get off an hour early today? got a meeting with SHIELD at 2:20 and I'll need to get ready. I ask as I walk in, realising my shift ends at 2:30. " yeah, no problem kiddo." He shouts from his office, a smile on his face. "Thanks! I'll work an extra hour tomorrow to make up for it" I promise him, a grateful smile on my face. "Ah, don't worry about it, we pay you hourly anyway and Tom's here now so you're covered" he replies, throwing my jumpsuit at me. I pull off my jacket, slitting the jumpsuit on and zipping it up before making my way towards Tom.

"what we got, Tommy boy?" I ask, smiling to him. "just you're average fender bender, front half completely crumpled, no damage to internal structure but engine is completely dead." he informs me, pointing out panels that'll need replacing. "ok... you work on making a list of externals that'll need to go, I'll take a look under the hood, then we can work out a price." He nods, and we both get to work.


	2. Strategic Homeland Intervention Enforcement and Logistics Division

"bye, guys!" I shout, peeling the jumpsuit off my body and grabbing my jacket. The car owner isn't going to be happy with the price, in the end they needed most of the front of the car redoing, a new coat of paint, new headlights, new windscreen and wipers, the whole engine had to go along with the fuel tank, oil tank and windscreen solution tank. "bye, Ryder, good luck with SHIELD!" Tom shouts after me. I wave, quickly making my way upstairs.

I pull out a pair of dress trousers and a blouse I got cheaply from a shop, laying them out on my bed before running a brush through my hair and organising it neatly on my head. I run a flannel over my cheek, wiping off some stray grease before changing quickly and applying some basic makeup. I was done in 10 minutes, and I quickly headed off down the road, the box with the bullets, arrows and all my designs in hand. when I finally got to SHIELD headquarters, I quickly signed in at the front desk before being directed over to a waiting area. I sunk down into a soft cream armchair, placing the box carefully atop my thighs. "Miss Charlotte Moore?" a voice chimes, to which I stand slowly, turning to face an elegant looking lady, maybe mid 40's. "They'll see you now" she tells me before turning and walking briskly down the hall. She directs me into a room, where she softly closes the door behind me. The room has 3 white walls and 1 wall that is made of glass, looking out over the zephyrs and quinjets. The whole look of the room mimics the design in the lobby, high ceilings over huge, white rooms. I glance at a table, suddenly feeling very nervous. Around it sat Nick Fury, Tony Stark and Natasha Romanov.

"Miss.. Moore is it? oh sorry, it says here you prefer Ryder?" Nick begins, glancing down at a sheet of paper. "yeah, long story, its a name I picked at 11 so I'm still just going with it." I explain breefly. "Well, Ryder, please take a seat. I hope its okay, Mr Stark was intrigued by your idea and Miss Romanov is- well- she said she was bored and wanted to come." I let out a soft laugh, placing myself into a chair. "Okay, so I've designed these bullets and arrows which, instead of harming, potentially fatally, someone, they deliver a dose of sedative to them, which will keep them unconscious for 1 - 2 hours, depending on the size of the person. Here are the prototypes, they're just rough as I do not have access to any proper equipment, but you get the idea. This is the sedative I designed, the bullets and arrow tips have vials that hold exactly 2 ml of this liquid, which will be non lethal yet affective to all humans. these are a copy of my designs, which I also have on this memory stick, which also outline the recipe for the sedative, and all findings from my testing stage." I inform them, my posh accent seeping through as I lay the objects out on the table as I talk about them, each of them picking them up and looking them over. 

"well I must say, I'm impressed. you created this at home, you say?" Tony asks, holding up the bullet. "yes Sir, with only a blowtorch and a soldering iron so its very rough." I reply, his lips forming a suprised look. "and your testing, how thorough were they?" he asks again. "not too thorough ill admit. I only tested it on myself yet my calculations show it will be safe for people of all sizes, also I couldn't test the arrows as I don't have a bow, and i didn't want to shoot myself in the head with experimental bullets, yet I drank the correct amount of sedative and it had the same effect of injecting it, just a little delayed." I inform them. 

"wait you tested the sedative? alone?" Nick asks. I simply nod, unsure of his shock. "weren't you scared it would have a negative effect and you could, well, die?" He asks again, looking concerned. "oh good point actually, I didn't really ponder that, just trusted the math enough to know the chances of me dying were medium to low." I reply. "Medium to low?? you've got guts, I'll give you that." Natasha tells me, looking just as concerned as Nick, yet also a little impressed. I glance at Tony, who is completely engrossed in the paperwork. "wow, this is so thorough! you're math is outstanding, the physics behind this- its very impressive you thought of this alloy for the metal of the bullet, I would have gone for regular casing, however this won't break the skin! amazing!" he exclaims, not glancing up. 

"well, thats just an idea. The one you're holding is regular casing, I've figured out a mechanism where the bullet doesn't break the skin but attaches to the person, injecting the dose into them." I explain, pointing it out on the page. "wow thats really advanced. I can see why you couldn't do this with a blowtorch!" he let out a soft chuckle. "so, I assume this encounter would be a fraction of a second, the pressure activating the needle to inject instead of the bullet attaching to the person?" he asks, glancing up at me. "yeah, I went for the attaching idea, but realised it would be easier the way you've just described. 

he nods softly, placing the pages back onto the table. "yep, I'm sold." Tony leans back on his chair, crossing his arms. "me too, they'd be good for taking in panicking people, or dangerous people we want to question. better than killing everyone." Natasha nods too. "Okay then, seems we've got a deal to do, Miss Moore. we will set you up with a room here, you're apartment is too far away to be convenient. the only floor with accommodation is the Avengers floor, luckily Thor is not here, so poptarts for everyone, they won't mind you staying with them If you don't. I want you leading the team in the lab. we want further testing, and production for the team. Deal?" Nick asks, standing and holding his hand out. "uh- yeah- um- you'd really let me stay here? wouldn't I get in the way?" I ask, utterly shocked at the generosity of the offer. "no, of course not! theres a communal kitchen so no need to worry about that either. Tony and I will drive you to your place to pick up anything you need." he replies, shaking my hand and grabbing his jacket. "thanks thats very kind" I blush lightly, grinning like a madman.

"wait this is where you live?" Tony asks in shock as we pull up outside. "yeah, lived here since I was 9." I reply, opening the door. "you're parents?" Nick asks cautiously. "In england, last I heard. shipped me off here when I was 9. My dad is actually quite a big name lawyer, my mum a famous model." I inform them, opening my door. "sorry about the mess." I mumble, embarrassed. I hear whispers behind me, but choose to not listen in to them, not wanting to invade their privacy. Soon we were back in the car, heading towards the big white building again.

"You're very open about all this" Tony observes soon into the journey. "yeah, I didn't really know them, I was basically raised by my dad's employees. Doesn't hurt to talk about it." I reply with a half lie. It does hurt to talk about, I just don't get why. I barely knew the people for gods sake. The whispers start up again as I turn to watch the buildings and the people out the window. I deliberately zone out of what is being said, but can't help to hear "Not everyone is you're responsibility, Stark!" as Nick practically shouts it. I turn my head towards them, him giving me a sympathetic glance before turning back to watch out the front windscreen.


	3. The Avengers

I glance around as I walk again into SHIELD headquarters, still in utter awe at what I see. 

"Yeah, you never really get used to this place. especially from the way you've been living, must be a bit of a change" Tony half whispers, leaning towards me and letting out a soft chuckle. I nod, still glancing around, until my eyes lock onto a metal detector. with big security guards. My heartrate increases exponentially as my vision goes a little fuzzy. _I have my gun with me._ there's no way they're going to let me walk out of this place after this, let alone work here on my bullets. _you absolute idiot._ My hand instinctively grasps onto Tony's forearm, and he gently pulls me to the side.

"Ryder. Why don't you want to walk through the metal detector?" Tony asks with a locked jaw and black eyes. "Because I have a gun." I admit, looking up, my eyes probably clearly showing my panic. "oh holy fu-" he mutters under his breath. "why! why would you bring a gun in here! god- Fury expressed his concernes about trusting you, but I went with my gut. Why?" he shouts, grabbing my shoulders. I take a step back, my hand instinctively flicking towards the handle of my gun, causing panic to rise into Tony's eyes. "Wait- Ryder-" He stutters, stumbling back and searching for his own gun, coming up empty.

"I- I'm sorry Tony, that was just habit, I panicked, please, let me explain." I plead. my god, i've barely known the man for an hour yet I'm already causing the whole building to panic and potentially landing myself in jail. good going, Ryder, might even be a record.

I take a deep breath as Tony crosses his arms, raising an eyebrow. I slowly grab my gun, keeping one hand raised and my hand on the barrel, before sliding it across the floor to his feet and raising my hand to meet the other.

"check the round, they're plastic. I use it to scare off robbers, can't even aim the damn thing. please, I don't mean anyone any harm." I explain as calmly as possible, eyeing the crowd of guards now watching the encounter, guns ready to shoot at any moment. Tony carefully checks the bullets, rolling the plastic pellets between his fingers, before placing them back in the gun and turning safety off.

"so I can shoot you?" he asks, raising an eyebrow and pointing the gun right at me. "wait- what??" I ask, taking multiple steps back, which he imitates exactly. "well, I don't know the extent of your work. If these really are just plastic, then I can shoot you, right?" he asks, still advancing towards me. I take a deep breath, straightening my back and closing my eyes, before snapping them back open and letting my hands rest at my sides. "Might I ask, not the face? these things sting." I ask in as calm a voice as I can muster, plastering a smile on my face. Tony 's face pulls into a smirk before sending 3 quick shots at me, one striking my shoulder, one my stomach and one my thigh. 

"oh you bitch" I mutter under my breath, my body folding up under the impact. out of the corner of my eye, I see Tony straighten up, smiling while he drops the gun to his side. he slides the gun back to me, shooting a smile as I fall to the floor. I know its a bit dramatic, but bloody hell did that hurt. and in the leg? dick move. "guess we can trust you, for now. also you deserved that for making us panic." he says with a smirk. I suddenly feel a pair of hands against my sides, one grasping my hand, the other guiding my body upright. 

"Tony! can't a girl make it past the lobby before you shoot her for once?" a voice jokes from behind me. I turn around, seeing a tall, muscular body, a pair of black skinny jeans and a grey Tshirt covering his body, his hand held towards me. "Steve Rogers, nice to meet you." Steve smiles at me. I shake his hand cautiously before replying. "Charlotte Moore, but I tend to go by Ryder. I'm actually just starting working on some bullets I designed, and I might be working here." I smile back at him, letting my hand drop. 

"wait _Might be_????? Don't say you're gonna back out on us now, kid!" Fury shouts from across the room. I turn to see him watching us with his arms crossed, a scowl on his face. "Definetly not but just considering the fact I just gave you're security team heart attacks." I reply, before noticing my gun still laying against my feet. I pick it up, putting the safety back on and placing it back into the waistband of my jeans. "pfff Tony does that twice a day!" Fury shrugs it off, before placing his gun into a tray and walking through the scanner. 

"well, in that case, welcome to the team!" Steve congratulates me, giving me an infectious smile. I grin back, before I hear Tony approach. "She'll actually be staying in the spare room for the time being, Steve, you mind showing her around? I have a couple things to get done." Tony tells him, before waving as he walks through the scanner backwards. I let out a small laugh, before turning back around to face Steve. "lets go then. So, you just place you're gun in the tray, walk through the detector and collect you're gun on the other side." he demonstrates, before I follow his actions. 

We finally make it to the Avengers area, conversation flowing flawlessly between us during the walk. "JARVIS, I'm sure you've heard, we have a new flatmate" Steve informs the AI as it unlocks the door for us, Steve holding the door for me. "Yes, Mr Stark has informed me. Pleasure to meet you, Miss Moore." a calming English voice greets me. "uhhh you too?" I answer, glancing around to find the source of the voice. I hear a soft chuckle from beside me, and turn to see Steve smiling at me. "JARVIS is an AI, created my Tony. It basically runs this whole place, but is also a good guy to chat to." Steve tells me, pulling a glass out of a sleek black cabinet and filling it with water. "can I get you a drink?" he asks, turning to face me. "uh- no thanks." I reply, returning the smile and looking around the room. The decor is similar to the rest of the building, the ceilings slightly lower and the color scheme including more greys and blacks. there is a huge glass wall, looking out over fields and a forest, lighting up the whole open plan communal room, consisting of a huge kitchen, a living room area with a large TV and 3 Grey sofas and a big oak table with 6 chairs around it. 

"I'll show you to your room now, you can unpack and get settled in before the others get back." Steve tells me, guiding me towards a hallway at the far side of the room. As we walk down the hall he points out everyone's rooms, before coming to a stop in front of one. "Okay then, here we are. I'll be around here somewhere, either in the living area or in my room if you need me. see you later!" Steve waves, making his way down the hall as I push the door open, revealing a room, probably the size of my apartment, fitted with a double bed, a large desk and 2 lamps. A large window looks out over the fields, just below it sitting a gravel path and what appears to be a parking area. I place my bag down on the desk, sinking down into the bed, instantly shocked at how comfy it is. 

"oh my... I didn't know they made beds this comfy!" I exclaim, sinking lower into the soft mattress. I unpack my clothes into the closet, not taking too long as I left most of my things at my house, bringing only a couple outfits. I'm going to walk down tomorrow and get the rest of my stuff, my telescope included. I saved up for 2 years to get that thing and I don't feel too good about leaving it in that place. I change out of my formal clothes, slipping on a pair of leggings and a hoodie before making my way out of the room. when I reach the communal area, Steve is quietly drawing in a sketchpad at the table. 

"oh hiya Ryder. Tony asked to see you in the lab. I'll show you there now." Steve tells me, closing his sketchpad and tucking in his chair, before holding the door open for me again, a slight blush making its way onto my cheeks. After a minute of walking, we hit the lobby. there appears to be a large delivery because the place is absolutely rammed. Steve confidently walks through the mass of people, them getting out of his way, offering greetings to him. For me it wasn't so easy. I stood for 3 minutes, gaining only a few steps with mutters of excuse me, until a strong hand grabs mine, Steve pulling me close to his side and guiding me through the crowd of people. His hand is so hot, not uncomfortably though. I know he runs hotter that the normal human thanks to the increased metabolism, I studied it for a while a few years back, but its quite amazing to experience the feat of science in person. yeah, thats it, I'm just admiring the science. That'll work.

"theres a trick to getting people to move." he chuckles lightly, letting go of my hand. "yeah, I'm sure the fact that you're Captain America has nothing to do with that." I reply sarcastically, causing him to grin back at me, letting out a small laugh and taking off walking again. We finally reach the lab to find Tony bent over a workbench, prodding one of the arms of his suit with a screwdriver. 

"Hi, Tony. I'll see you later, Ryder, I'll let you two get to work." Steve waves, before walking swiftly out of the lab. "Hi Ryder, just the girl. this is where you'll be working for now, the new Avengers building should be done in about a week." Tony informs me. I glance around the huge room, scattered with tables and different scientific equipment. "I'm currently just mending the arm on my suit, got a bit damaged in battle. feel free to take a look at it, by the way. you're free to work down here whenever, JARVIS will let you in. We have a film night tonight, where we all cook a big meal together, might be a nice chance to meet people, if you'd like to join us. We tend to start about 7:00." Tony tells me. "Okay, I'd love to join, thank you. I might just get to know a few other scientists for now, I'm a bit tired." I tell him, my eyes raking over the intricate design of his suit. "okay, good idea. I'll be back at our place." he tells me, walking back out of the lab after tidying up his suit.

An hour later, I'd talked to maybe 15 different scientists, all ranging from physicists to biologist to chemists, all top in their fields, their work above and beyond anything I've ever done. My favorite people we're probably a pair of young scientists called Leopold, who tends to go by Fitz, and Gemma. they had just finished in SHIELD academy when they got placed here. they've been joined by the hip since they joined the academy, which is surprising as their fields are so different. Fitz is an engineer while Gemma is a biochemist. They both took great interest into my idea, Gemma even talking about working with me to improve the serum.

We eventually parted ways at 6:00, them needing to get back home and me wanting to get back to the Avengers living area in good time. I walk in, noticing Natasha and Steve watching TV. I decided, in a antisocial fuelled sudden desire to not interact with humans for the moment, to quietly yet quickly escape to my room. I manage to get there, 100% sure the girl that has been a trained spy since the age of 14 and the super soldier heard me, but luckily they ignored me, letting me escape to my room. 

I lay out some comfy clothes, grabbing my towel out from in the cupboard and braved the outside world in the search for a shower. A search, then was deemed unsuccessful. 10 minutes of walking around the small area I hear a voice behind me. "anything I can help with?" I turn, coming face to face with Steve. "yeah- um, I was wondering if I could take a quick shower?" I ask cautiously. "yeah sure, You know how to find it?" He asks, a slightly amused look on his face. "That obvious, huh?" I ask, a smile dancing over his lips. "well you were wandering around looking like, well, what I probably looked like when I came out of the ice. I must have forgotten to show you them on my tour. the one down the end of the hall is the one with the shower in it, and there's another which has no shower connected to the communal area." Steve tells me, pointing to a door down the hall. "ah! thanks." I smile at him, making my way towards the door.


	4. Bullets and stars

After stepping reluctantly out of the hot stream of water, I quickly dry myself off before slipping into my clothes, still slightly embarrassed after my encounter with Steve in the hall. I quietly slip back into my room, glancing down at the gun laying on my desk before sighing and carefully tucking it into the waistband of my leggings. I know I'm spending the evening with a couple of spies, a super soldier, a man with multiple exoskeletons and a Hulk, but better to be safe than sorry, I guess. I carefully make my way downstairs, seeing the whole team standing around, cracking jokes at each other. 

"Ah! Ryder! so glad you decided to come to this!" Tony shouts as he catches my gaze, beckoning me towards the group. "Hi again, Ryder. can't wait to see those bullets!" Natasha greets me, smiling kindly at me while handing me a glass of water. I thank her quietly while taking a sip, not noticing how parched I was. "Hiya, Nat told me about the sleepy arrows! I'm Clint, by the way, very excited to work with you." Clint shook my hand, before making his way over to Natasha and helping her and Tony to chop some vegetables. "Hi, I'm Bruce, I'm also a scientist, as you may of heard I am best with gamma radiation." Bruce lets out a small chuckle, holding his hand out towards me. "Ryder. I've actually read a few of your papers, your work is very advanced." I complement him, meeting his hand and shaking it twice.

"you like pasta bake?" Steve asks me after Bruce makes his way towards the others. "yeah, sounds great. what can I do to help?" I ask, looking around for jobs. "yeah actually, can you stir? you're also welcome to add things as you see fit, the spice cupboard is over there." he nods to a cupboard as I turn, switching on the gas for the hob and stirring the frying onions and garlic. A few minutes later, they are joined by some minced beef, which I add a little salt and pepper to, a little overwhelmed my the extent of the spices they have. 

The dish finally goes in the oven after me adding a few other bits, Natasha apologizing for letting me get landed in the deep end, apparently they all decided the stirrer is the master of the spice cupboard, as they call it. They all accept me very quickly, my cheeks beginning to burn quickly at the amount of laughing I am doing. Finally, the pasta dish is cooked and we all dish up a plate and make our way to the sofas. I end up sat beside Steve as Tony presses play on Divergent. Natasha sighs, grumbling about the combat skills in this film, claiming them to be sub par for a whole part of society dedicated to training their members to fight. 

"this is good pasta bake! we should make new kid master of the spices more often!" Clint complements me, a small blush on my cheeks. "well, I didn't have much money most my life so I've pretty much mastered getting as much flavor out of stuff as possible." I tell him, smiling. we all take a quick break to tidy up our plates, before we resume our places on the sofa, this time Tony pulling out a bundle of blankets.

an hour later, the film ends and JARVIS switches on the lights. I stretch out my body, my top riding up slightly. "holy shit, why do you have a gun?" Clint asks, the top of my gun probably showing slightly when I stretched. "force of habit, I guess, I always have it on me. Its just plastic pellets, but it helps to intimidate people." I explain, his face calming down to a less panicked look. "you don't need to worry about that here, we have great security and you're literally living with 5 Avengers" Steve tells me, placing a hand on my shoulder. I nod, looking down.

we watch stupid game shows for another hour before we all make our ways towards our rooms. "night you lot, see you tomorrow." Bruce says, waving as we all make our ways into our own separate rooms. I sink down into my soft bed, shutting my eyes and pleading my brain not to think. I do finally manage to drift off, the smell of clean sheets and the smooth feel under my skin forcing my eyelids to become like lead. 

Suddenly, I'm stood back in my old apartment. I glance around, a little disorientated, until I look down to see blood covering my hands, making its way up my arms. I stumble back, a shocked sound falling from my lips as I trip over something. I turn, seeing Bill laying on the floor, bruises and gunshots littering his body. "N- no.. BILL???" I shout, my hands shaking as they cover my mouth, tears forming in my eyes. I blink, another body joining Bill's on the floor. Every time I blink, a new body appearing until next to bill there is Tony, his suit in scraps around him, the small light in his chest dark and empty, Steve, his shield split in half and one half wedged deep in his chest, Natasha, her hair a mess, a bullet between her eyes, Clint, his bow string hanging off and arrows stuck in his chest, and Bruce, his skin still tinted green, scratch marks over his skin, covering him in blood. I scream, bending over and shaking each of them, pleading them to wake up. I shout Steve's name, shaking him with all my might. "Nonononono you guys! please, don't be dead! I'm sorry!" I shout, tears falling easily down my face, landing on Steve's mud caked cheek. 

"They're not going to wake up, you know." A voice comes from behind me. I stand, turning to see my dad facing me, his friend beside me. "You are nothing but a no good slut. You made them trust you, They protected you, but you couldn't save them. You're weak. Useless." He shoots at me, with each word comes a slap across my cheek. I take it all, falling to the ground and taking Steve's hand, laying in the center of all my friends, dead, because of me. Suddenly they all disappear, leaving me laying on the floor alone, a pool of blood around me. I sit up in shock, only to see my Dad's friend standing over me, laughing like a maniac. I look down, a giant gaping hole sitting in the center of my stomach, the edges singed. A repulser blast. "You failed them, Charlotte. You made yourself the enemy, they were just defending themselves. They're finally happy now, and you're finally dead!" He shouts, his hands shaking my shoulders. but wait, that can't be his hands, he's across the room. the shakes become harder, voices bleeding into the room as the image fades to black. 

My eyes snap open, instantly meeting a pair of bright blue eyes, watching me worriedly. "RYDER? Oh thank god you're awake!" he shouts, pulling me in for a hug. "Wait- Steve?" I ask, glancing around the room. "Wait.. how did I even get here? How are you alive?" I ask, my hands all over his chest, searching desperately for the piece of his shield. "Its okay, you're fine, it was just a dream." He tells me, sitting on my bed. "I heard you screaming and came in here. You were thrashing around the place. Do you want to talk about it?" He asks as I pull myself into a sitting position. "Uh- I- No, no I need to go somewhere. I'm so sorry for waking you up." I tell him, standing quickly and grabbing some clothes. He watches me carefully, quickly leaving as I pick up some clothes. "Come and find me if you have trouble sleeping, I'm always happy to sit up and chat." He tells me, before returning to his room. 

I sigh, pulling my top over my body, strapping my gun against me and making my way out of my room. "Hi, JARVIS? when the others wake up do you mind telling them I'm just off to work?" I ask him as I open the main door. "Of course, Miss Moore. May I ask where you're going?" He asks gently. "Back to my apartment. I- I need to clean up the blood, I need to stop them." I tell him. Here's the thing, that wasn't a dream. It was too real. I need to get there. Soon I'm running down the street, throwing myself into my apartment. The place is a mess, yet there's no blood, No Dad, no bodies. I sigh, pulling my fridge open, sighing when I see 1 beer. "well that isn't going to do much..." I mutter, grabbing my keys and heading out again.

I make it to the alley, dark and full of rubbish bags. "The dog is home. You can stop looking." I say into the darkness, waiting for my response. "I'm glad." A mans voice says as he steps out of the shadows. "Hi. What do you want today?" He asks, smiling at me. I smile back, heading over to my favorite dealer. "a box of beers." I tell him. "oh screw it, throw in a bottle of vodka too, rough night." I tell him, handing him the money as he hands me the alcohol in a black sack. "Nice doing business with you, have a good night." he says slinking back into the darkness. I nod, turning away and heading back towards my apartment. I shove my key in the lock, the door clicking open. _it was unlocked??_ I remember back, instantly remembering the click of the door, and testing it. I made this lock, it wouldn't just not work. I grab my gun out of my waistband, peeping into the apartment. I run to the next wall, looking around into the kitchen area. I was about to turn when I saw a dark shadow in the corner. I whip back around the corner, turning my safety off before firing 5 bullets in the general area of the shadow and running for the door. I hear feet coming after me and I slam directly into a body. A very warm body.

"what? Steve? my god you guys gave me a heart attack!" I shout, placing my gun back into my waistband. I look up to see Steve in his uniform, a hard look on his face. "So, something very interesting just happened. JARVIS woke me up, talking about being worried for you. why would you come here of all places, and in the middle of the night!" A voice shouts from behind me, I turn to see Tony sat on my bed, the iron man suit next to him. Natasha steps out from the shadows, Bruce and Clint appearing from behind Steve, all of them in their gear. "no, wait- you can't be here! we need to go, like, 10 minutes ago. Why would you all come here?? you're gonna die for fucks sake!" I shout, grabbing my telescope and the rest of my things and making my way outside. A hand grabs my arm before I can make it too far. "Your dream?" Steve asks quietly. I nod, tears forming in my eyes again. "you were all dead, I couldn't protect you, I couldn-" I start crying again, turning away from the Avengers, hating myself for being so weak. 

We walk back into my apartment, me placing my things back on the floor. "I'm sorry, I just needed to get away." I half lie to the other, Natasha raises her eyebrows. Tony flicks a switch on his suit, a voice blasting through the speakers, my voice. 

_"Hi, JARVIS? when the others wake up do you mind telling them I'm just off to work?"_

_"Of course, Miss Moore. May I ask where you're going?"_

_"Back to my apartment. I- I need to clean up the blood, I need to stop them."_

My voice sounds so panicked, everyone turning to face me as the recording stops. "you don't have to tell us. But we do need to know if you're going to be in danger. You can't come here in the middle of the night!" Tony shouts standing up. "Do you know how scary it was, watching you in that alley? you may not have been with us long but we are responsible for you while you are with us!"

"wait- what were you even doing in that alley anyway?" Bruce asks, I just shrug my shoulders. I need to come up with an excuse fast, they can't know about my age. They'll kick me out, just like my dad. "Ju- just buying some metal for my bullets" I tell them avoiding eye contact. please work please work please work-

"So theres metal in this bag?" Tony asks, I simply nod my head, raising an eyebrow. "well thats intriguing. this metal sounds rather like glass!" he says, pulling the bag open and grabbing the bottle of vodka, turning to face me. "really? Vodka and beer? you know 7/11s exist right?" he laughs, putting the bottle down. everyone relaxes slightly, but not Steve. Steve's face remains confused, before it morphs into a flat expression. 

"She can't get it from a 7/11, Tony." he says, turning to the billionaire. "what do you mean?" Natasha asks, turning to face him. "She's not old enough." He replies simply, a couple gasps coming from the Avengers. "Why the hell didn't someone ID her?" Tony asks. I look at the ground, trying to make myself as small as possible. "ok then kid, how old are you?" Clint asks, coming towards me with his arms crossed. I stumble back, stopping dead in my tracks as I feel a sense of Deja vu. "I'm 17." I reply quietly, looking for ways to make a quick escape. This is going to get messy, I can feel it. 

"17...." Tony whispers, turning and pulling a hand to his forehead. "at least she's not 14?" Steve offers, a hand on my shoulder. "I honestly don't think its too big of a deal. She didn't lie - we didn't ask! And she's mentally older than 17, I mean she's been on her own since she was 9!" Steve defends me. "Yeah thats fair. Steve's only 22" Clint adds, earning himself a punch in the shoulder from Steve. "Okay. yeah. Sorry, Just 17 sounds so young. Lets get back to SHIELD." Tony says, his suit opening up and him climbing inside it. I reach down, grabbing the main part of my telescope and my bag of extra clothes, struggling with the mount for the telescope. Suddenly a pair of hands is taking it from me, also grabbing my bag. I look up, Steve giving me a soft smile, before we all set off down the road once again.


	5. getting to work

I carefully slip under my duvet, sighing as I snuggle into my bed. My mind reels with the evening I just had, I can't believe I did something so idiotic. I need to stop acting like a 3 year old. Before I know it, the time is 3 am and I'd gotten no sleep. I sigh, pulling myself back out of bed and slipping on some casual clothes. I place my old broken glasses over my eyes, making my way out of my room and locking it. 

"Hello Miss Moore. Anything I can help you with this evening?" JARVIS chimes, the blue light on his console lighting up. "Uh no thanks JARVIS, just having a bit of trouble sleeping. If the others wonder where I am, can you let them know I'm just in the lab?" I ask, carefully opening the door. "Of course, have a good night." He says, the light flicking off. I pull out my box of stuff, placing it on a workbench and staring out at the lab. It appears to go on forever without the bustling crowds in it. I need to get the serum to work a bit better. The last time I used it I only stayed out for just under an hour, and I want to see if I can get it up to at least 3, maybe 4. A while later, I had my new serum. I check the clock, noting down the time as 5:52 in my small notepad. 

"Okay... lets aim for 9:30?" I mumble to myself, a new habit I have picked up. I sit down in a chair, readying the needle over the vein in my arm and breathing out as I feel the serum run through my veins, my vision going black. 

I slowly open my eyes, My head pounding and the lights blinding my eyes. "Ow.. what's going on?" I ask, squinting my eyes, a shadow suddenly blocking out the light.

"Ryder what the hell? I come down here to see you passed out with a needle in your arm. Do you know how dangerous taking this stuff could have been? you should have just waited and I could have sat with you or something." Jemma shouts, a motherly tone in her voice. "ah- sorry Jemma, just was excited. What's the time?" I ask, rubbing my eyes. "10:20." She replies, beginning to pack away the serum and throwing out the needle. "10:20??? whoa that's epic!" I shout jumping up. "I took the injection at 5:52. that's 4 hours and 30 minutes!" I tell Jemma, surprise covering her face. "wow.. I can make some more today, you look like you need to rest." Jemma says, grabbing my notebook. "If you could, that would be great. Say hi to Fitz for me, would you?" I say, standing up. "yeah sure, see you later!" she turns, opening my book at the right page. 

I put the rest of my research back into its box, before making my way through the crowds of scientists, back to the Avenger's section. "hey JARVIS. Anyone around?" I ask him as I walk in, still excited about the breakthrough in my research. "The Avengers were called out on a mission. Mr Stark left you a message, would you like to listen to it?" He informs me. "yes please." I reply, pouring myself a glass of water. 

"Hi Ryder, we've been called out on a mission so please stay out of trouble. It's nothing too serious, but just in case know where your gun is. J has access to our coms if you need us, so you can just link up to us. Check in when you get back from the lab. See you later" 

The audio cuts off and a shiver runs down my spine. "Mr Stark asked that I connect the apartment straight into the coms as soon as you get back. You'll be able to talk to them all through the house." JARVIS informs me. "ok. put me through to them." I tell him, sighing and grabbing a couple pain relief tablets.

"-ou helping me out right about now!" Natasha's voice blares through the speakers. "Mr Stark, Miss Moore is now connected." JARVIS tells them in his calming voice.

"ah! Ryder! how are you? when we woke up you were gone?" Tony asks, sounding a little out of breath. "yeah I was fine just down in the lab. What's going on? are you guys okay?" I ask as I hear an explosion. "yeah yeah we're all fine, just a little trouble with some protestors with mad weapons." He responds. "Hows the bullets going?" He asks casually. "uh yeah was working on the serum and managed to get the time up to 4 and a half hours!" I tell them excitedly. "wow really? thats epic. have you tested it? is it stable?" Tony asks again, also sounding excited at the development. "yeah I tested it. Side effects are basically just a bad headache, so all in all its worked well." I reply, taking a sip of my water. "wait how do you know its a headache?" Clint jumps in, his voice confused. "uhhh the uh mice I tested on showed signs of headaches?" I reply. "you need to get better at lying." Natasha laughs, followed by the sounds of gunshots. "ah my god...." I hear Tony whisper, sighing.

"Ryder did you inject yourself AGAIN??" Steve shouts, disbelief in his voice. "uh yeah kinda, but Jemma found me so I'm okay." I assure them. "I don't care if Jemma found you, you could have gone into cardiac arrest!" Tony shouts. "I knew I wouldn't, I ran the numbers. there was only like a 10% chance of that outcome!" I reply in the same tone. "actually Miss Moore it was 22.3% chance." JARVIS chimes in. "yeah thanks JARVIS." I mutter, earning a bunch of sighs from the other end of the line. "I'm sorry. I know I keep getting into trouble, I'm normally not this reckless. Well, actually yeah I am but I should know better." I admit, not wanting to stress them out any further. I mean I shouldn't be their responsibility, but if they're going to act like I am who am I to make that difficult?

"It's fine. You're young, you're going to make mistakes, we're just worried for you." Steve sighs, his voice becoming less harsh. "yeah, well I should know what my istakes cause by now. I'm going to get a quick shower but I'll still be on the line if you need me. Be safe." I tell them, washing up my glass and placing it in the cupboard.

"Yeah okay Ryder. Don't worry about us though!" Tony adds with a chuckle. I step into the shower, letting the soft water relax my shoulders as I listen to the madness on the other end of the coms.

"Steve- no no never mind you got it." "Hulk, please, be careful. we don't want to kill these people, just break them up and take the weapons!" 

I continue to listen to the fight as I sit on my bed, pulling out my sketchbook and letting my hands preoccupy themselves. "okay guys, good job. Ryder, we're on our way back now so we'll cut off the coms. see you soon!" Steve tells me as I sketch his outline. "okay, see you soon." I reply, before the line cuts off. "how long until they're home, J?" I ask him, an idea in my head. "23 minutes. They were a while away." He replies. "okay then, do you mind playing my playlist?" I ask, my hands still darting over the page. "right away." he responds before Dose by Avenged Sevenfold is being blasted through the speakers. "oh good choice!" I shout over the music. 

I finally finish my drawing looking down at it. I did all the avengers, stood in a line in their battle poses, but just their shadows. their weapons are all pointed at something - a small shadow at the front of the page. The world's mightiest heroes, protecting the world from me, a vial in my hand and a vicious grin across my face. I sigh, placing it down on my bed. All my drawings turn out along these lines - I guess its my worries. how can I tell how my breakthroughs are going to be used? what if I make something and it falls into the wrong hands? I sigh, running my hand over my face.

"screw it - I need to stop sulking. JARVIS, Volume to max." I tell him, my eardrums almost falling out. "whoa whoa not that full of a volume my god!" I shout over the music, it quickly dropping to a more suitable level. "Sorry, Miss Moore, Mr Stark created a new type of speaker." I laugh, skidding over the floor in my fluffy socks. "J, how long do I have?" I ask. "10 minutes." He replies instantly, a smile on my face. "thats good enough." 


	6. Bulletproof heart

I slowly pull ingredients out of the fridge, deciding to get lunch started as the team will probably be hungry when they get in. I put some pasta in a pot and as it starts to boil, the ghost of you by my chemical romance blasts through the speakers. "I never said I'd lie and wait forever.." I quietly hum along, stirring the sauce. "AT THE END OF THE WORLDDD OR THE LAST THING I SEE YOU ARE NEVER COMING HOME NEVER COMING HOME" I sing along loudly to the chorus, dancing around slightly. I near the end of the song, and notice that the pasta is almost cooked so I take it off the heat. I keep singing as I lay the table, spinning around. "god I forgot how bloody good that song is" I mumble as it draws to a close. "ok J, better turn off the music, the team will be back soon." I tell him with a sigh and the music shuts off. 

"aw damn I was enjoying that" A voice springs up from behind me, hid words smooth like velvet yet clearly dangerous. My hand twitches towards my gun as I whip around, A tall figure stood in the corner of the room. "You have a very good voice - its very powerful." He complements me, smiling gently. The horns atop his head melt away, leaving him in green armour, his long black hair cascading down his shoulders. "My name is Loki, of Asgard. well, Jotunheim now I guess." The man tells me, slowly walking towards me. "thats close enough!" I tell him, holding my gun up. He holds his hands up in a surrender. "I'm not here to hurt you. What's your name?" he asks, his face soothing. "Charlotte Moore." I reply.

"Charlotte. thats pretty, it suits you well. I was going to wait for your friends, however I honestly don't want to get you caught up in a fight. I hope to see you again, Charlotte." he tells me, before disappearing in a cloud of dust. I send 3 shots towards him, but he was gone. I sigh, lowering my weapon and strapping it back against my side. 

"RYDER???" I hear a shout, followed by the Avengers running in. Tony looks from the bullets to me, quickly coming over to me and taking my hand, leading me to the sofa where I was sat between him and Steve. "are you okay? tell us what happened." Steve asks gently. "well a man appeared as I was making lunch. said he was from Jotunheim I think it was? He was completely unphased by my gun, talking in strange ways. He has bright green armor, said his name was Loki. he- he said he was here for you lot, but wouldn't fight if I was here." I tell them shakily, Steve pulling me wordlessly in for a hug. "did Loki hurt you?" Tony asks, glancing around the room. "no." I reply, pulling my knees to my chest.

Suddenly, Tony is on his feet, pacing. "we need to get you out of here - If he is after us you can't be nearby.." Tony thinks out loud. "Nononono I need to stick with you guys. He said he won't put me in a fight - I could be useful." I tell him, standing up to stop his pacing. "I can't do that to you." He tells me, his hand on my shouder. "It's my choice Mr Stark." I say, crossing my arms and locking my jaw. "No. You will not be anywhere near Loki again. End of conversation." He shouts, storming off. I feel a soft hand against my back, and I turn to face Steve. "I'm sorry, I kinda fucked today up, huh?" I ask, letting out a soft chuckle. Steve just pulls me in for another hug, his arms warm and comforting. "you didn't mess anything up, Ryder." He mumbles into my hair. 

"when's the last time you slept?" Tony asks later that day, walking into my room. "last night." I reply seamlessly, not meeting his eyes. "JARVIS?" Tony asks into the air. "3 nights ago Miss Moore got 23 minutes of sleep." The AI informs him as he turns to face me with a disappointed look on his face. "Ryder. Why aren't you sleeping?" He asks, crossing his arms. "Nightmares." I reply simply, feeling like a 6 year old. "oh I'm so sorry. Is there anything I can do?" he asks, worry painted on his face. 

"no, its something I've always had. Didn't exactly have an easy childhood. I'm fine, Mr Stark, honestly." I tell him, standing up. "Okay. I'll be in my room if you need me, Or you can ask JARVIS to wake me up. Steve will probably wake up if you say his name, super hearing and all that jazz." He tells me, placing his hand on my shoulder before leaving. I slowly crawl into bed, sighing into my pillow.

Suprisingly, I had another nightmare that night. The man in green was always there, watching me, smiling. It was the same, the childhood recurring nightmare, then the dead avengers, however this time the blood wasn't on my hands, it was on Loki's.

I wake up, their names on the tip of my tongue. I let out a shaky breath, letting my body fall back down onto my bed. I roll over onto my face, trying to force the image of the man out of behind my eyes. "go away. please. Don't I have enough people haunting me?" I whisper to the image of him, the smirk on his face morphing into a full blown grin. I jump at a hand on my back, turning over to see Steve standing over me. "Nightmare?" He asks, sympathy in his eyes. I nod, squeezing my eyes shut. He wordlessly slides under the covers, and I lean into his warm body, his strong arms holding me close, safe. "is this okay?" he whispers and I nod once again in response. 

"get some sleep, I'll be here all night, Loki can't hurt you." He whispers, his calming voice lulling me to sleep. 

I wake up to the feeling of sunlight on my skin. I look over to see the clock showing the time 8:04 and the arms around my waist tighten slightly. "you okay?" Steve asks, his voice deepened by sleep. "yeah, thank you for coming in last night." I say, blushing lightly in embarrassment as the memories of last night flood my brain. "Its okay, you were screaming everyone's names, telling Loki to stop. I'm always happy to spend the night with you if you can't sleep, I went through a stage of it after I came out the Ice. the memories of Peggy and Bucky were... just too much." He admits to me, my arms automatically tightening around him. 

I hear shuffling my the door, both Steve and I look up to see Tony. "Nightmare?" he asks, leaning against the doorframe. I nod, my eyes dropping away from his. "please, don't send me away. I can't deal with it. I care about you lot, you can't get hurt." I say as the memories of Tony's body, cold and still, no blue light floods my brain. "yeah thats for the best, I think. If we're with you, we can protect you. I think we do need to stick together. Sorry I went off at you a little last night." he apologises as we sit up. "No no its okay." I assure him, slipping out of bed. "you are going to do great things, kid, I truly believe that." he mumbles into my hair as he pulls me into a hug before ruffling it and retreating back towards the door. I'm going to go train, Cap. I'll see you later." he waves, leaving the room. 

Training... an idea pops into my head, and I look over at Steve. "Steve." I say, plopping back down onto the bed. His eyes meet mine questioningly, urging me on. "Uh- could you train me? to yknow, Fight?" I asks hopefully, watching his face. "no. you're too young to be fighting, Ryder. please, you know Tony would agree." he tells me, his expression going hard. I sigh, looking down. 

Just because Steve won't train me, doesn't mean I can't train.


	7. Training

Steve left quickly after that, after ensuring I was okay, talking about sparring with Tony. I hop in the shower, washing away the nightmare from last night, the image of Loki still etched into my mind. I climb out, feeling energized for once due to actually sleeping, and pull on a pair of jeans and a hoodie, deciding to something with my hair today instead of just shoving a hat over it. I do a small braid along the side of my head, sighing when it looks rubbish. I pull the plait apart and slip out into the hallway, tracking down Clint's room. I knock gently, knowing he would either be hiding out in here or sitting somewhere high up, watching. fingers crossed he's in here.

The door slowly opens, revealing Clint, who's face lights up when he catches my eyes. "oh hi Ryder. what can I help you with?" he asks, leaning against the wall. "Do you have hair clipper type things? I want to do something new with my hair." I explain to him, the sound of a door opening behind me makes me spin around in shock. Natasha is peeping her head around her door, a cheeky smile on her face. "I heard clippers." She says, grinning. "yeah I want to shave half my head." I say with a shrug, which causes her face to light up even further. without a word she shoves past Clint, a small "hey!" falling from his lips, and within seconds she's back in front of us, his clippers in hand. she grabs my arm, dragging me towards the kitchen area. "THANKS CLINT! cmon Ryder lets do it on the hard floor so we can clear it up after." I let out a laugh at her enthusiasm, planting myself down on a stool in the center of the kitchen. 

"ok so you want half of it gone, right?" she asks, grinning happily. "yeah please." I hear the whir of the clippers starting up, and I feel the col metal run across my scalp. "so why the sudden want to cut your hair off?" she asks curiously. "got annoyed at a plait." I answer, grimacing as I think of the mess that made of my hair. damn plait. "ah yeah been there." she nods along, as if its enough of an explanation. I let out a small laugh, just before Tony and Steve walk in, covered in sweat.

"uhhhhh?" Tony says, the confused sound falling from his lips as he catches sight of us. "Ryder tried to plait her hair." Nat explains to him with a nod. "ah yes of course?" Steve laughs, walking to his room. "you people are weird. see you later" Tony struts off, causing us both to laugh. "ok. you're all done." Nat says as the buzzing stops. she walks around me, her eyebrows raising as she steps back. "wow. you look very cool." she says, nodding before pulling me to the mirror. "wow.." I mumble as I twist my head to get a better glance at the pale skin. I run my hand over the short hair thats left, Nat had managed to slightly fade my hairline in which looked epic, and made my hair flow a bit easier. 

"Thanks, this is epic!" I say turning and grinning at her. "ah anytime, I love experimenting on people." she grins, unplugging the clippers as Clint walks in. "wow looks good shortie!" he says, ruffling my hair and grabbing his clippers back of Nat. "hey! I'm like basically the same height as Tony!" I tell him, crossing my arms. "yeah I know. You aren't the only shortie in this house, shortie." he tells me, fighting to keep his grin off his face, which fails when Tony shouts "HEY!" across the apartment. we all end up in floods of tears.

A few hours later I grab my telescope, heading down to the lab. "Hi Ryder!" Fitz greets me as I walk in. "oh hey. wanna give me a hand? I'm making some upgrades." I say, grinning at him. My telescope was really cheap when I bought it, so naturally it was a pile of garbage. Over the years I've managed to make a few upgrades, mainly to the mirrors and the focal length. it now works like a top of the range telescope, but I still have some ideas.

"cool. what are you thinking?" he asks, looking the telescope over. "a digitalized viewfinder might be cool. I made my own red dot viewfinder but its not calibrated right anymore I don't think." I tell him, pointing to the chunky piece of plastic taped to the top of the telescope. "yeah easy to do. I'll work on the circuit board and you work on the casing?" he asks, his hands still occupying themselves with the RA and dec coordinate system. "yeah sure." I reply, grabbing the materials I need and getting to work, mapping out the parameters he shouts at me. 

"Hey Ryder? looking at this it would be super easy to add in a setting to make small adjustments, yknow when its really zoomed in." he tells me, looking up from his work. "yeah that sounds epic, if you can. Just tell me the numbers for the sizes." I finish mapping out the new sizes, doing a few calculations before getting on to cutting up some aluminum. 

"alright that should do it." Fitz tells me after a few hours, handing me the small circuit board. "so connect this to the keys, and this to the mechanical arm you're going to use for it to move. got it?" he asks, grinning at what I had already made. "yeah thats perfect, thanks. Really appreciate the help, I've never been too good at all that stuff so it takes me about triple the time it takes you." I tell him, letting out a small laugh.

A few hours later, at 11:30 at night, I'm on the roof, setting up my telescope. I glance through it, controlling its movements with the keypad. I manage to find the moon, deciding to start with something easy as a test run, and I change the lens again and again before I can see the details of each crater on its surface. "fuck yeah, thats epic." I mutter, punching in the coordinates of the whirlpool galaxy. The telescope moves itself, until I'm staring at the majestic double galaxy, the arms stretching out over light years, reaching away from the bright center, the giant supermassive black hole, slowly eating matter from the galaxy.

Time flies by, and suddenly it's 2:30. I carefully take the telescope back inside, being super careful not to make noise and wake up the super soldier. I slip on a pair of leggings and a sports bra, before heading down to the lab. I grab my ideas for the bullet and the way it could administer the sedative, before making my way to the gym. I place the ideas on the floor where I can see them, deciding to run numbers while I train. I take a swing at the punching bag, it not moving an inch. "what the fuck?" I mutter, landing few more punches on the bag, one finally making it move. with a satisfied nod, I continue punching the bag, until my arms feel like they will either drop off or catch on fire. I stop, resting my hands on my knees and taking a few deep breaths.

"Micro sensors." I say, writing the words in big block letters on the page. If I can condense the size of the pressure sensors down, I could use them on the bullets. Next I wander over to the cross trainer, switching in on and setting off running. After a while of that my mind drifts back to the punching bag, and decide to do some basic exercises before heading back to the bag.

I end up doing some sit ups and pushups on the mats, eventually giving up as my muscles weren't having any power anymore, me being barely able to do a single pushup. I put my work away in the lab, making sure to leave the page about micro sensors at the top of my pile so I'll remember to work on it later.

I carefully slip back into my room, getting a shock when I check the time. _I had been in the gym for 5 hours?_ I furrow my brow, stepping into the shower. After my shower, I flip my sketchbook back open, refusing to look at the previous drawing as I fish out a pencil. I sketch the outlines of all the avengers, instead of off to the side though I place myself next to Cap. I'm crouching down, a plain suit on, abut unsure of what I should've drawn me wearing. I finish the sketch, deciding to leave it in black and white. I grin, placing it down on my bed before heading downstairs to get a coffee. 

"Hiya spark plug, get any sleep?" Tony asks as I walk in. I send him an amused glance at the nickname, causing him to just raise an eyebrow at me and smirk. "yeah slept quite well, came in with my telescope and went straight to sleep." I tell him as I pour a coffee taking a sip. Steve narrows his eyes at me from the place where he is leaning against the work surface. "hmm thats odd because I heard someone come in as I woke up." he tells me, turning to face me. "really? could've been Clint, I was in my room all night." I tell him as I take another sip of coffee, sighing as he shakes it off. 

"oh Tony I had an idea for the bullets and was wondering if I could run it by you. I'm having a little trouble making it work." I tell him, sliding into the seat next to him. "ooo yeah sure, what is it?" he asks, his eyes lighting up. "micro sensors. Like little pressure sensors, which would have to also have a small hole for the needle." I tell him, his face scrunching up. "could that even work?" he thinks out loud, numbers flowing past his eyes. "yeah, I ran the numbers. just having trouble with the material I can use." I tell him as he glances back up at me. 

"well its a genius idea, and it'll be a big breakthrough if you can get it to work. God, you've been here, what - a week? starting to look like you'll be leaving us sooner than expected." he tells me, a slightly sad look behind his smile. "yeah well I had a lot of the work done before I got here, its now just small tweaks and production." I tell him, returning his smile. "ok well I better go get showered, see you both later." Tony says, walking off.

"so. wanna tell me where you were?" Steve asks me quietly after he's left. "by that you mean...?" I ask, raising an eyebrow. "last night. I know it was you who came back, I heard the shower running, I heard your bedroom door. why didn't you come to me if you couldn't sleep?" he asks softly. "just the idea with the micro sensor, wanted to get the numbers down. only was down there for about an hour though." I lie, pouring the rest of my coffee down my throat before standing up. "I better be off, see you later, Steve." I say, walking into my room, before stopping and walking over to Natasha's, quickly knocking. 

"yello?" her voice shouts from inside her room. "Hi its Ryder was wondering if you were busy? want to chat about something." I tell her, my eyes bright with my idea.


	8. the god of mischief

"So what's up?" Nat asks. We are now sitting, crossed legged on her bed, facing each other. "I need help, but I also need you to keep an open mind because when I talked to Steve about something like this he completely shut me out." I tell her, slightly nervous of her reaction.

"If you're going to spurt the same 'training' bullshit that you did to Steve then I'm not listening." she told me, setting her jaw. "ah he told you then." I mumble, looking down before meeting her eyes again. "anyways, thats not what I was going to say. I want you to teach me to shoot a gun and actually hit something." I tell her, sitting up straight.

"Ryder.. you're safe here. No one can get to you-" "but they did, didn't they? Loki found me. thank god he wanted to 'spare me' or whatever, because I shot 3 bullets at him, all of them missing." I say, my voice laced with poison. Not intentionally, but it appears to have had the desired effect anyway.

"I guess it wouldn't hurt for you to be able to aim, no point you having a gun if you can't shoot it - but you have to promise you won't do anything reckless - it needs to be a last case scenario, break glass in case of emergency skill. okay?" she asks, her face unsure. "yeah yeah of course. do you mind if we keep it between us though? Steve and Tony would worry..." I say, my voice fading off as I think about their reactions, or overreactions. 

"yeah of course. I'm busy today, but at 10 tomorrow meet back here, we can head down to the shooting range out back. sound good?" she asks, a hint of a grin on her face. "yep thanks Nat, I really appreciate you doing this for me." I say, smiling kindly at the spy. "yeah yeah, just please please be careful." she tells me, patting my knee.

I spend the rest of the afternoon down in the lab, working on my idea for the micro sensors. Tony found me a couple of hours in, with news on the new material he thinks could work. I add it to the list of ones he has told me to experiment with, setting up my experiments. I'm strapping a sample of the material to the front of a bullet made of the metal I plan to use for the bullets, filling it with water to make it the right weight, and testing to see the level of power the sensor sends out when it hits my thigh. I know I would get into a lot of trouble for experimenting on myself yet again, but the 'skin like material' they gave me isn't as precise. This needs to be perfect. 

a few hours on I had tested about half the list, with varying levels of success. I have a few contenders, but it would be better if I could get a more suitable material. I sigh, packing my things away before heading upstairs. tonight is movie night with the Avengers, and Clint is choosing. We all settle down onto the sofas, snacks carpeting the floor and blankets everywhere. "ok J, hit the lights, hit play." Tony says, rubbing his hands together and settling down next to me. the film Clint ended up picking was the hunger games catching fire - big shock there - which earned him a lot of moans as the film began. Despite the moaning, I'm pretty sure they all enjoyed it, I know I did, I guess we don't give Clint enough credit, even though this film was probably made with teen girls in mind. 

the film ends and JARVIS turns the lights back on, us all grimacing at the sudden brightness. We all work together to make dinner - just going simple with spaghetti Bolognese and meatballs - before settling back onto the sofas, all agreeing we had time for a 2nd film. Bruce ended up deciding on the Truman Show, which actually turned out to be pretty good, although I think I do prefer action films. 

Halfway through, I stand up and collect everyone's bowls, heading over to the sink to wash up. A pair of hands instantly join mine, grabbing the tea towel and drying as I wash. "you honestly can go and sit back down, it won't take a minute." I tell Bruce as he smiles up at me. "nah, I've watched this show too many times." He laughs quietly and we descend into a comfortable silence. That's the nice thing with Bruce - it doesn't feel like every single silence needs to be filled. We tend to understand each other quite easily, him understanding that I don't want another person asking if I'm sleeping, if I want to talk. 

The film ends and we all decide to head to bed as it was pretty late. I wander into my room, turning to close the door, only to find Tony following me. "I just wanted to say well done with the materials today. get any successes?" he asks setting himself down on the corner of my bed. "yeah, some let out a good amount but I'm going to test the rest to see if another works better." I tell him, him nodding slightly. "ok cool, I guess I'll see you tomorrow then. Sleep well." he tells me, giving me a quick side hug before leaving. That has become a regular occurrence - Steve and Tony giving me small hugs, but mainly Tony. Sometimes Clint does it too, but he doesn't tend to be around very much. It's not in a creepy way - just in a comforting, friendly, you don't have to worry kinda way. 

I sit on my bed, stretching out my back and neck as I think. I know I don't need to test every material - I have ones that would work perfectly - however I still find myself dragging this project on. I feel a sense of safety - a sense of family with this mad bunch, a very chaotic family maybe, but a family all the same. I know the second I finish my project I'll be out the door, them having no reason to keep me on, but I just wish I had more time. I know it's selfish, and I wish there wasn't this greedy, selfish, attention seeking part of me, but there is. I just need it to shut up for a bit, let me get on with my work.

As soon as I'm sure everyone is asleep, I slip a pair of leggings and my NASA T shirt on, carefully making my way down to the door. When I hit the communal area I feel a presence. I whip my head around, scanning the room and seeing nothing. after a moments hesitation, I quickly slip back into my room, grabbing my gun before heading out to the gym. 

I decide to leave my work today, just needing to clear my mind. I head over to the bike machine, wanting to get my heart rate up before I get onto the fun stuff. An hour and a half later of varying paces of cycling, I head over to the weights, picking up the lightest ones. I maybe good at working out for a long time, but I have absolutely no muscle. I feel the burn in my arms, changing to the next level up every now and again, every time imagining Loki, pleading myself to just keep going. 

After a while of that, I decide to head onto the punching bag for the rest of my time down there. I sit on the mats for a minute, catching my breath and trying to regain motivation. "Hey JARVIS?" I ask cautiously, unsure if he is linked up to the gym. "yes, Miss Moore?" he replies quickly. "Please play my new playlist called workout, I need a bit of motivation." I say, heaving myself up as Immigrant song by led zeppelin begins to play. I head over to the bag, taking a few light swings at it before I get properly into it, lightly singing along to the catchy tune.

The next song that comes on makes me smile - its the song that would play at the tours Steve used to do in the 40's as Captain America. It always seems to inspire me to be better, maybe because of the personal touch. I hear a snort from behind me, causing me to whip around, JARVIS lowering the volume of the music for me. I turn to see Steve leaning against the wall, his arms crossed. I glance at the clock, seeing it to only be 5 am. "why are you awake?" I ask him, confused to see him up so early. "Could ask you the same thing. I woke up, wanted to come and check on you. I poked my head around your door, only to find your bed untouched. I told you that you should have come and got me!" he shouts, his voice laced with frustration and also worry.

"I'm sorry, I just really didn't feel like sleeping, so I came down here." I mumble, suddenly realizing I had ditched my NASA T shirt in the corner, leaving me in just a Sports bra and some leggings. A nervous blush rushes over my cheeks, my eyes glaring at the rolls over my stomach and the obvious lack of muscle. "look, I thought we were not going to do this whole training thing? you're safe here - theres no need for you to worry about this, you can just focus on your work." he tells me, slowly making his way over to me. 

A sudden dose of confidence shoots through my body as I stand a little taller. he can judge my body if he wants, but I'm going to work and make myself fitter, look thinner. even Captain America can't stop me. "I know, you said you wouldn't train me. That doesn't mean I can't train myself. I need to be ready." I tell him loudly, crossing my arms.

He thinks for a second, before letting out a sharp sigh and looking into my eyes. "okay. If you're going to be training anyway, I may as well help, otherwise you'll just end up hurting yourself. Show me how you punch." he says, waving his hand towards the bag. I step up to it, releasing a few punches to it before dropping my arms and turning to face him again. "okay, so not bad. your fists are good, but keep your hands up. that way you can block." he demonstrates, raising his hands to his chin. I copy his actions before dropping my arms to my sides again. "oh and also your stance is terrible. one punch and you'll have fallen over. you need to have your legs apart, one let behind you, knees slightly bent. I do as he says, him watching my movements carefully.

Suddenly his hands are on my hips, twisting my body away from my back leg slightly. "there you go, feel stable?" he asks, ignoring the fact that I just blushed beet red. I nod, unable to properly form words at the moment, before throwing some punches at the bag. I can already tell I have more power, already feeling more stable. I grin at him, watching as he pulls ups another bag. We spend a few hours in the gym, Steve teaching me different techniques and giving me hardcore workouts to help with muscle tone. Afterwards I feel completely drained, looking up at the clock. "we should probably head back up, Tony will be worried." I tell him, walking over to get my T shirt and panicking when I realise my gun is underneath it. I pick up the top, bundling it up in my hands. 

"aren't you going to put that on? there's probably going to be some business people outside." he tells me, nodding to my T shirt. "oh uh- it got a bit sweaty when I was using the weights." I tell him, nodding to myself slightly. Steve slowly makes his way over, a suspicious look on his face. "Ryder. Whats in your top?" he asks softly, placing his hand on top of mine. I let him take the fabric, unwrapping it to find my gun. he wordlessly chucks the shirt at be, and I quickly pull it over my head. Steve places the gun in the waistband of his PJ bottoms, his loose top covering the bulge. We both head upstairs silently, the energy radiating off Steve making me very nervous. 

We step into the kitchen area and I try to make a quick break for my room, but a hand catches my arm. I snap my head back towards Steve, a pained look on his face. "Ryder, you don't need your gun if we are in the building. I can protect you." He tells me, his grip not loosening as he steps closer to me. "I don't need you worrying about me all the time, it's not fair on you lot." I tell him, ripping my arm from his grasp, slipping my hand under his shirt to grab my gun, careful not to make any contact with the hot skin on his stomach, before whipping around and heading up to my room. 


	9. avoiding the inevitable

After my shower, I pull on my tight ripped jeans, a tight black top and my leather jacket. I run a hand through my slightly wet hair, deciding to attempt the plait again. I do a simple braid along my hairline, making it look basically blue with all the ends of hairs in it. I grin, sticking my gun in the waistband of my jeans and stick my head out of my door. After I decide that the coast is clear, I make the short trip over to Nat's room. I quickly knock on her door, letting myself in when she tells me its open. It's not that I don't want to face Steve, it's just that I don't want another 'be responsible' lecture from him. He means well but I just make too many mistakes to have a speech for each one I make. I force a smile out, sticking a hand out to quickly catch the black blob that has just been thrown at me. "uhhh what is it?" I ask, holding up what appears to be 2 rings connected together. "its a thigh holster. It's yours, just don't wear it in front of the others" Nat tells me with a wink, before grabbing her gun and holster. "lets go." She tells me with a grin.

We make it down to the shooting ground without being noticed by Steve. I grimace when I see that it could be easily seen by anyone who looks out of the window for too long, but I push that to the back of my mind as I follow Nat's actions and strap the thick leather strap around my thigh, slotting my gun into it. "perfect. Lets work on your stance first, then we'll talk shooting." she tells me.

An hour later and I'd sat down and jumped up, getting into my gun stance and grabbing my gun out of its holster maybe 10000 times. "okay! I think we've got that. talk to me about your gun." she says, sitting down in front of me. "ok so we have the place you put the bullets," I say, pulling the container out of the bottom of the gun and clicking it back in place. "This is the safety," I flick the safety on then back off. "this is the trigger, the barrel and the handle." I say pointing to each part. "yeah pretty much. now. show me your stance." I roll my eyes, jumping up and holding the gun out, my arms outstretched, my feet apart, knees loose, my finger on the safety. 

"cool good. shoot at the target." she tells me. I send that I expect to be a round of bullets, but is just echoing clicks. "what??" I ask, turning the gun over and looking back to find Nat looking at me in astonishment. "Ryder. The safety." she reminds me, a smirk playing at her lips. I roll my eyes, switching the safety off and sending a bullet at the target, hitting the corner. "YES ok thats good!" she shouts from behind me. "this is all I can teach you, for now. You have to practice this as much as possible, then we can work on different stances, different ways to shoot for sticky situations." she explains. "we should probably head back in now anyways, its lunchtime." she tells me, pulling the holster off her thigh. I follow her actions, returning my gun to my waistband. "ok, lets go." 

we walk back up to the Avengers area, both of us chatting animatedly, hyped up from the morning of guns. We walk into the communal area laughing, and I quickly make it back to the safety of my room. I put my holster away, opening my door again and slipping into the hallway, only to see the whole team. I consider my options, deciding that slipping back into my room is my best one at the time. I open my window, letting my body hang onto the top of the window as I slowly make my way around the building. _I wonder if this counts as dumb_. I laugh in my head, refusing to think too much about my current situation and to just keep on moving. I finally make it around to the flat room, only to remember it's the one that you can see out of the huge wall of glass. In the communal area. I sigh, doing a roll across the floor, which absolutely failed and ended up in me crawling along the floor on all fours, most definitely visible to anyone who would be to look out of the window. I make it to the other side of the window, taking a breath before launching myself towards the ground. I land on the ground luckily on my feet, but I feel a splitting pain run through my ankle. "FUCK" I shout, instantly throwing my hand over my mouth. _WHAT PART OF THIS DID I THINK WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA???_

the searing pain doesn't ease, so I plant myself onto the ground cradling my ankle. Suddenly, a cold hand is against my shoulder. I instantly pull my gun out, pressing the barrel to their abdomen. "Loki?" I say in shock when I see the green clad man. "you know, you're not doing a good job of finding the avengers without me." I say, pressing the gun further against him. "aw its good to see you too, Charlotte. That gun won't do much for killing me by the way - may slow me down but I'm a god sweetie. anyway, I'm not here for the avengers. You see I just couldn't stop watching you. The second you hurt your ankle, I couldn't help myself." He tells me, crouching down to press his cool hands against the skin of my ankle. I feel frozen in place, 1000 thoughts running through my head at once. 

"oh god, are you okay? let me help you back to your room, you need to rest this ankle." Suddenly smoke surrounds me and I'm being placed down onto my bed. "wait here." He tells me, disappearing again, before reappearing a second later, Dr Banner with him. "hey, Bruce." I greet him, still a little confused why this god is being so kind to me. "Loki. why do you help me?" I ask defensively, staring him down. "I don't know, Charlotte, you're just special I guess. Can you fix her?" he asks, turning to Bruce. "uh yeah obviously, but I need my equipment" he replies, crossing his arms. Loki flashes away and back, carefully handing Bruce his box. "Are you really dumb enough to come back here?" Bruce asks him, raising an eyebrow before crouching down in front of me. "well are you really surprised? isn't it you lot that write those soppy poems and songs about the girl that won't leave your brain?" Loki asks rhetorically, pacing and waving his arms dramatically. Bruce finishes wrapping my ankle up, quickly packing away and placing a defensive hand on my shoulder. 

"maybe its time for code green?" I whisper to him, watching the god carefully. "no not yet." Bruce replies silently as Loki turns to face us. He grabs Bruce, teleporting him out of the room before returning to me. He gently lifts me, pulling the duvet back and gently placing me under it, before removing my jacket and gun, placing my jacket over my chair and my gun on my desk. "mind if I sit? I can't stay long, but I would like to talk to you." he asks me softly, and I roll my eyes at him. He gently places himself onto my bed, looking over to me. "I wish we had met in different circumstances, which I had gotten the chance to explain myself to you. You see, Charlotte, I don't want to hurt you. I only attack the Avengers because they are a threat to me. They have won over my brother, one of the people who could kill me. I've made mistakes. I've hurt people. I regret this greatly, and now I want to make it up to people. I was never accepted as a child, my Father took me from an enemy planet, meaning I've always been pushed out but never known why." I sigh, feeling a slight bit of empathy for the god, if what he's saying is true, of course.

I hear a banging on the door, followed by Steve's voice. "Ah, it seems we don't have much time left. I could give you everything you could ever want, Charlotte, I could care for you, protect you, and even, if you would let me, love you." He tells me softly, his eyes inches from mine. Tony blasts a huge hole in the door with his repuler, glancing through the gap. "Don't worry, Kid, we'll be in in a second" He tells me. "goodbye, Charlotte, hopefully we can see each other soon." Loki presses a soft kiss against my forehead before disappearing into nothing. A second later, Steve and Tony manage to get in, the others waiting outside. Tony's arms surround me as Steve waits near the door, the contrast from Loki's frigid grasp comforting me. "It's okay, It's okay. he can't get to you." Tony mutters over and over, as I feel myself descend into a panic attack. 

My chest feels thick, not enough air anywhere. My vision has little white spots everywhere, slowly covering my vision as they fade from white to grey, to black. 

I peel my eyes open, glancing out of the window. I hazard a guess that its about 4 am. I glance over to my desk, to see Steve sat in the chair, reading a book. "how do you feel?" he asks, his eyes lifting from the page. "I'm so sorry Steve. I did a stupid thing. I just wanted to get to the lab, but I was so embarrassed about the gun I just- well, I made a mistake, one that could have cost me the lives of all my new friends." I say, letting my eyes drop. Guilt floods my emotions, the image of them all laid out, dead. I shiver, shaking off the thought and suddenly hands are around me. "hey, It's okay. It's okay that you felt unsafe in the compound at night, with Loki and these nightmares. I'm not mad at you, and I'm not going to lecture you. We are all going to make sure at least 1 person is with you at all times until we can contact Thor, meaning you'll have to spend the nights with people, whether thats sitting and drawing in their room or trying to get some sleep." he tells me, leaning back until he is sitting up and my head is against his chest. The warm throb of his heart comforts me, until Steve's voice chimes back in. "J, do you mind getting Banner? Might be an idea to give her a once over." Steve says, and a moment later Bruce walks in. 

"oh thank god you're awake. How do you feel?" Bruce asks as Steve carefully sits me on the edge of the bed. "yeah, okay. my ankle is sore though." I tell him as he brods at the tender skin. "I'll get you some pain killers for that, you'll have to be careful about not putting pressure on it for the next week or so. I'd suggest some sleep, It's still the middle of the night." Bruce tells me, placing a couple of pain killers next to my bottle of water before leaving. I quickly swallow down the pills before deciding to get changed out of my jeans.

"uh- I'm gonna get changed, but you can stay here because I'm not going to fully strip or anything." I assure Steve, hoisting myself up, grimacing as my foot touches the ground. Steve gently pushes me back onto the bed before heading towards my dresser. "ok, what is it I'm getting?" Steve asks, turning to me. "uh there should be some fabric shorts and a NASA T shirt." I tell him, watching as he pulls out the items before carefully closing the door. He turns around as I pull my Top and bra over my head, replacing it with the loose T shirt. I carefully stand again to try and wrestle the jeans from my legs, when Steve turns around. "Are you comfortable with me seeing you in your pants? I won't look but I can get Nat if you'd prefer.." he trails off, looking at me. "No no you're fine, I don't mind." I tell him, blushing slightly. 

Steve looks slightly flustered as he moves towards me, carefully unzipping my jeans and beginning to pull them over my hips. "trust you to wear the tightest jeans possible.." he mumbles with a slight chuckle as he manages to get them over my hips. He is about halfway down my thighs as I hear him gasp. then I remember the experiments. "oh uh yeah I needed flesh to test the compatibility of the plates.." I mumble to him, looking past him out of the window in shame. "god theres - what - 16 bullets here? I can see they weren't proper bullets as they didn't go through your thigh but my god, how are you walking?" he asks in horror. "With pain?" I reply, letting out a small laugh. "It's honestly fine, Steve." I tell him, wresting my hand on his shoulder. "I will let it go for now, but I will tell Tony tomorrow." he tells me, looking up into my eyes. I let out a soft sigh, him carrying on removing my jeans silently. 

He finally manages to get the clothes off me and replaces them with the shorts, before getting into bed and wrapping his arms around me. "I'm here, get some sleep." he tells me, softly stroking my hair as I drift off into a peaceful sleep.


	10. Bed bound

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the timeframe in this is just one big mess so just pretend it isn't

I come to, snuggling further into Steve's arms. "Morning. how did you sleep?" he asks, looking down at me. "great, thanks. You fancy a coffee? I am CRAVING coffee." I mutter, pulling myself into a sitting position and reaching for the crutches Bruce left for me. "oh my god is this a joke? so I now have to hobble around like a fragile little thing?" I ask, sighing. "sorry, I've never been too good at being ill." I admit rubbing the back of my neck. "hey, its okay. Follow Banners' orders and you'll be back on your feet soon." he tells me, helping me up. We eventually make it into the communal area and I instantly hobble over to the coffee machine.

"how are you doing?" Tony asks, smiling at me. "good now I have coffee." I say, taking a sip of my coffee and leaning against the work surface. Steve stares sympathetically at my thigh and I remember the conversation from last night, instantly spinning around to hide the black and blue circles on my thighs from Tony. "ah ok so I'm going to go sit down in my room and drink my coffee. See you later." I say, rushing away. "wait Ryder, I need to come with, you need someone with you." Tony tells me, standing up. I sigh, this is going to get old really quick.

"actually, Tony, could I get a word first? It'll only be a minute." he tells him as I continue to hobble down the corridor. 2 guesses what thats about. I step back into my room, settling beneath the duvet and sipping slowly at my coffee. a minute later, Tony storms in, a dark look on his face. "let me see them." he tells me, his careful actions to peel the duvet from my legs a complete opposite of the tone of his words. A soft breath falls from his lips as he looks up at me, instantly pulling me in for a hug. "I'm sorry, Tony. I'm so useless compared to you lot and this felt like something worthwhile, something I could do for the cause." I say, holding out the duvet so he can slip in. "You're useless, huh? yeah. you just are designing the bullets that will save millions, perhaps the work that you are doing is going to grow into something even bigger. You're the least useless member of this team. We all care about you so much, you're literally like a daughter to me. so don't do that. Know your worth." He tells me, his face so sad I am worried he might even cry out of frustration. 

"can you get Steve for a second? I want to get changed and I need help and I just- I trust him with that." I explain quickly, looking for any signs of hurt on Tony's face from that comment. "yeah sure. I'll be outside. J, get Rogers for me." Tony slips out as Steve walks in, heading straight for the dresser. "soo what do we want today then?" he asks, grinning at me. "so this is going to get awkward for the both of us. I need to change my underwear but for some reason you are the one I feel the least uncomfortable doing this in front of. are you okay with this?" I ask him, searching his face. "as long as you are." he tells me, nodding and smiling slightly. 

"ok so any pair of pants and screw it I don't need a bra - just a long sleeved T shirt and some tracksuit bottoms will do." I tell him. He throws the items at me turning around to let me change. I start with my top half, pulling my top off and replacing it with the other. "tell me if you need help." he tells me, looking at the ground. "I should be good, everything's pretty- ah." I say, stopping short when my pants and shorts get tied up around my bandages. "Ryder? can I turn around?" Steve asks, sounding mildly alarmed. "No no I have no pants on. my pants and shorts are all knotted, just gimme a minute." I mumble, my hands manically fiddling with the bandages.

"OW ok fuck yeah I'm going to need a hand with this, just let me cover myself up." I tell him, throwing the duvet over my lap. "ok you're safe." I tell him, smiling as he turns around. "how the hell did you even manage to get this so tangled?" he laughs, his gentle hands carefully working with the bandages. "ok you're free." he tells me, standing back up and turning to face the closet again. I quickly slip my clothes on, glad to finally be properly covered up as I tell Steve he can turn back around. 

"Okay I'm going to go and get Tony, I have time booked in down at the shooting range. I'll see you later!" he says, ruffling my hair and causing me to scowl. Tony walks back in, placing himself down on the end of my bed. "okay, what are we doing now?" he asks, sending me a smile. "can you help me to the bathroom so I can brush my teeth? then I was thinking about heading down to the lab to do some more work" I tell him. "yeah sure." he says, placing his arm around my waist as he pulls me up, us slowly making our way over to the small bathroom. I quickly brush my teeth, watching Tony as he messes around with my telescope, his eyebrows shooting up as he sees my new coordinate system. "It has a setting for micro movements too." I tell him after I finish, smiling as I watch his face light up as he inspects the box. 

"you made this?" he asks, turning around, his eyes alight. "Fitz, my friend from the lab helped with the circuit stuff as i'm a tad slow at it, but apart from that, yeah." I tell him, scratching the back of my neck and looking at the ground. "Whoa.. okay lets head down to the lab, sugar puff." he tells me, grabbing my crutches and handing them to me as I slip on a single shoe, deciding not to even attempt to get one on my bandaged foot. "really Tony? Sugar puff?" I ask, looking up at him as he bursts out laughing. 

We finally make it down to the lab after Tony making me very embarrassed in the lobby, shouting loudly for everyone to move because 'the crippled is coming through'. I turn around, a pair of slim arms pulling me in for a tight hug. "are you okay? I was so worried when I heard about your accident!" Gemma tells me, releasing me from her tight grasp. "yeah, I'm okay. Did they tell you what happened then?" I ask her, mildly surprised they gave the details to the people in the lab. "they didn't tell us but Fitz and I have been working really closely with this guy whose quite high up in Fury's books, who gave us the details." She tells me, her face lighting up when she talks about this man. "oh thats cool. I'm just going to work on my bullets for a bit, I think I have finally gotten the right material!" I tell her grinning. "oh well done! I better be off, Fitz and I are heading out on a mission with our team for a few days." she tells me, her British accent bright with excitement. "well have fun! say hi to Fitz for me, and tell him the telescope is working perfectly." I tell her, smiling as she nods, pulling me in for another hug. "see you soon, Ryder." she waves, walking out of the lab with a few boxes in her hands. I look over to see Tony pulling out my box, placing 2 chairs in front of it and patting one. "C'mon then, lets get to work."

A few hours later and we have 3 bullets, fully functional. "ok so this is so cool! Just the arrows left to go now!" I say, grinning down at my creation. "yeah, that was good thinking in making them standard size so they fit into all handguns. Lets take a break, maybe join the others for a spot of lunch." Tony says, holding his hand out for me. I grab it, letting him pull me up and grabbing my crutches. We make it back upstairs, everyone already sat around the table. 

"Hi Ryder, hows your ankle feeling?" Bruce asks as soon as I walk in. "yeah, its okay thank you." I tell him, hobbling over to the coffee machine and pouring myself a pot of coffee. I sit down at the table next to Clint, him turning and patting my thigh before rejoining the conversation. 

"so Tony how is the Avengers Tower coming along?" Steve asks. "yeah it's looking pretty good, should be ready in a week or 2." Tony nods, grabbing his book from the side. "oh cool. I can't wait to see it. Are you sure there's nothing we can do to help?" "ah no Birdbrains not until its furniture time, then I might have to get you lot to help with moving things." Tony tells them. I carefully stand, grabbing my sketchpad and opening it at a new page, allowing my hands to guide the pencil, still not too sure what I want to draw. 

Half an our later, a voice chimes up beside me. "wow, didn't know you could draw!" Nat says, leaning over Clint. "this is really cool." she tells me, looking down at the book. I had just finished the outline of the drawing - It was the avengers, stood in a circle, everyone doing something different. The hulk appeared to be screaming, his body leaned forward, Nat was reloading her gun, Clint was pulling his bow taught, an arrow peeping over the edge as he looks around, Cap is crouching down using his shield to block a hit, Thor was catching his hammer, although he doesn't have a lot of detail as I've never met the guy, him spending most of his time in Asgard, and Tony had his hand outstretched, a light blue laser shooting from the disc in his hand. 

In the end, all the Avengers have passed my book round, a bright red blush on my cheeks. After a few minutes, they descend back into their conversation about different tactical maneuvers and I work towards finishing the drawing. It wasn't until I was shading in the building behind them, smoke billowing from the cracked side, that I noticed the silence. Everyone had gone except Bruce, who is sat next to me, his eyes tracing lines in his new book. I finish off the drawing, folding the page over and glancing at the next page. I start sketching out the image from my dream - starting with Steve, his shield buried deep in his chest. I sigh at the image, looking up at Bruce. 

"I think I'm going to go and find Clint so I can talk to him about the arrows, I'll see you later." I tell him, closing my sketchbook. "okay R, talk to you later." He mumbles, his eyes not lifting from the page. I slowly hobble my way down the corridor, gently knocking on Clint's door. "Hi Clint do you mind if we talk about arrow specs for my designs?" I call out, hearing some shuffling before Clint pulls the door open. "Hiya Kid, c'mon in." he tells me, shutting the door behind me. I gently place my sketchbook down on his desk, sitting myself down into his chair. "So I was mainly just coming to ask if I could borrow an arrow tonight, just to make sure I make it all the same size and weight." I tell him, knowing how crucial it is that the feel of the arrows is the same so he still gets an accurate shot. 

"yeah sure! whenever you need. Did you manage to finish that sketch?" he asks, sitting crossed legged on his bed and playing with an arrow. "uh yeah I did actually, you can have a look if you'd like." I tell him, picking my sketchbook. "here, lets swap." he tells me, holding the arrow out to me as he grabs the book. I roll the arrow over in my hands, watching as he flips to the right page. "oh wow, this is so accurate!" he tells me, smiling down to the page. After a minute, he hands the book back to me, but it grazed my hand and went tumbling towards the ground. He gasps as the book falls open to the most recent drawing, the one from my dream.

So far I only had Steve, half his shield sticking out of his chest and the other attached to his arm, and half of Tony, his suit cracked and without a blue glow. "uh thats... dark." He mutters, his hand grazing the edge of the page. My body freezes in its place, horror plastered on my face. "wait.. is this the thing you're dreaming about, you know when you are shouting all our names?" he asks, glancing up at my face. A small tear escapes my eye, the drawing making my mind reel with images from the dreams. His hands are instantly around me, whispering words to me, words that sound like I'm underwater, the sounds reaching me but in no way coherent. I look up at his, his face covered in worry as he holds me up. Suddenly I hear a crash from across the room, and turn to see Steve rushing in. he stops dead in his tracks as he sees the drawing, Clint saying something to him before his arms join Clint's around me. He's saying stuff to me too now, and Quickly the rest of them join us in the room, all gasping at the drawing. I feel my head go woozy as I start feeling dizzy, and I let myself slip into a peaceful sleep. 


	11. Memories

I slowly let my eyes peel open, feeling a rush of guilt as I realize that I had fainted yet again. I sigh, sitting myself up onto my elbows and glancing around the room. The whole team is there again, all looking stressed. a few are pacing, but they seem to be having a conversation.

"-aw it too, Nat. She's seeing us, dead." Tony snapped, turning around. "how do we help someone through this?" They all look at the ground. "We just love them. we let them know that we're here I guess." Clint adds quietly. I let my elbows buckle beneath me, falling back onto the soft bed at their words. "You don't have to help me. It's not you're responsibility." I tell them, letting my annoyance slip into my voice. "stop stressing yourselves out every time I get hurt, I bring it on myself anyways!" I say, the heels of my hands digging into my eyes as I start to develop a headache. 

"Ryder, we are going to worry about you, we're going to protect you. We want you to be our responsibility, we want you with us." Tony says gently, sitting down next to me. I sigh, having no clue what to say to that. "I don't just see you guys dead, I see you dying. I see you dying, all because of me. Do you think I want to be your responsibility if theres even a fraction of a chance it will end in that coming true?" I tell them, leaning on my elbows again, their faces filled with sorrow. "look, I'm going to get some sleep, If you want we can all talk about this tomorrow. You shouldn't be worrying anymore, give it a week and I'll have my work done and will be out of your hair again." I tell them, rolling over in my bed. I hear them all shuffle out, but one person stays behind. 

"You need someone with you remember? Loki is still out there." Tony tells me, making his way over to the chair. "Tony, If you're going to insist on staying then I'm going to insist you get into bed. It's big enough for the both of us and you'd be stupid to think I would let you sleep on a fucking chair." I tell him, squidging up go give him more room. He sighs, getting under the covers and pulling me in for a hug. "you know Loki isn't going to get to you while I'm here right? I care about you Ryder, and if you think we'll all just forget about you when your work is done, you're sorely mistaken." he mumbles. 

Loki.... Thats always an idea to get them to stop worrying. I'll have to leave them a note, of course, just so they don't panic. I wait until Tony's breathing evens out, gently pulling away from him. I place my hand on the top of his arm, pressing a soft kiss to the top of his head. "Forget about me, the world needs Iron man alive, not dying for some silly little girl with a deathwish." I whisper to him, watching him groan and roll around in his dream. I stand, grabbing my crutches and making my way out of the room. I slip my gun into my waistband, ripping the drawing I did of them in the circle out of my book before placing it down on the table. I stick a sticky note to the table below it, grabbing a pen and writing as neat as I can.

_Dear The Avengers,_

_Don't worry about me - this is my choice. this way, you can get on with your jobs, I can stop holding you back. Don't worry about 'rescuing me' or whatever is currently running through your heads, I doubt you'll be able to find me. I don't even know where I'll be by the morning._

_Tony, I have left all my research in my box, the rest I'll leave beside this note. Everything is there - everything you need to finish the arrows and everything on how I made the bullets._

_I love you all,_

_Ryder._

I let a tear fall from my eye as I turn the drawing over, deciding to write something there too. I sit for a moment, writing a poem quickly in my head and watching as the words appear on the page. 

> _A think fog covers my eyes I_ _t's purpose, I think, is to hide my lies._
> 
> _For it believes that you can see what I'm hiding, the truth, the real me_
> 
> _when you look into my eyes._
> 
> _A thick fog fills my brain, drawing circles, writing pain_
> 
> _It distorts my words, making my brain roast, destroying the things that I love most_
> 
> _For now it believes that I will burn my friendships, my feelings, when it's my turn_
> 
> _to tell you how I feel._
> 
> _A thick fog blankets the grass, it knows, I think, that it will not last_
> 
> _for when the sun begins to shine and shows the fog the deadly sign_
> 
> _that's_ _its time for it to leave_
> 
> _and show the real me._
> 
> _-Charlotte (Ryder) Moore x_

The poem holds no meaning in terms of the situation, yet I think it still fits. Maybe I've been lying to myself, just a little bit, hiding who I really feel I am. I have recently been feeling like Charlotte and Ryder are 2 separate people, but maybe they're the same, but one is just a mask for the other. I turn the drawing back over, resting my hands against the table as tears stream down my cheeks. I know it hasn't been long that I've known these people, but I haven't felt so close to anyone since I was kicked out.

"Hey, J?" I say, a small chime is followed by the calming British voice of JARVIS. "hello Miss Moore." "I'm just saying goodbye, J. I'm going away for a little while." I tell him. "good luck on your journeys, I'll hope to see you again soon." "yeah, you too, J. I'll miss you." I place the research down on the table, grabbing my crutches and hobbling out into the night. I stand on the lawn, looking back at the building. "bye guys." I mumble before looking upwards. 

"hey, Loki? I don't know if you can see me right now but if you can, please come and get me. I want to leave." I say, pleading him in my brain to hear me. I bright rainbow light descends onto the grass, leaving a burn mark into the lawn. "oops." Loki mumbles as he looks at it. "you okay?" he asks, his eyes filled with worry. "I just have to leave this place before someone gets hurt." I say looking up at the man. He gently takes my hand, pulling me in close. "hold on tight." he tells me before he light appears again, and I'm being sucked away. I fall to the ground hard, tumbling over a cold floor. I glance around me, staring at the golden walls of what appears to be a dome. "thank you, Heimdall, and thank you for telling me she wanted help." I hear loki say, and my eyes meet a figure, covered in gold armor and holding a long golden sword.

"welcome to Asgard, Miss Moore." Heimdall greets me as I pull myself to my feet. "oh, you crutches don't seem to have made the trip. I'll get you down to the infirmary, the doctors will sort you out." Loki tells me, wrapping his arm around my waist and pulling me to my feet, before helping my walk towards the grand golden castle.

"so what made you call for me? didn't you have someone more.. trustworthy to call?" Loki asks, letting out a small chuckle. "well not really. You literally were my only option. Also, I think people are quick to judge you, and I wanted to give you a second chance. You seem like you have a good heart, but that its just misplaced." I tell him, unsure of why I was being so open with him. He glanced at me, a smile on his face. "You are one of the kindest people I've met. I bet you'll get along well with my mother. She's strong willed but kind, similar to you." he tells me as we continue the walk. "Why are you here, anyway? Isn't Thor mad at you?" I ask, remembering my last encounter with him. "he had no reason to be, I didn't hurt anyone. He is never happy with me, but they're still letting me live here." He explains as I nod along to what he tells me. 

We finally make it to Asgard, Loki placing his spare hand against a huge gate before turning his head to look at me. "welcome to Asgard." he says with a grin, pushing the gate open. I let out a breath at the sight - beautiful houses and beautiful people, cobbled paths everywhere. Everything surrounds the centerpiece - the grand castle, made of gold. I've read about this place before, but my god those books don't do it justice. "this is so beautiful." I whisper, smiling at people as they pass me. "do you mind if we stop a second? hopping is absolutely murdering my leg." I tell Loki, stopping his movements. He ponders something for a minute, before swooping an arm under my legs and carrying me, bridal style. A small blush creeps over my cheeks as Loki carries me into the infirmary, the nurses turning to look at us. 

"hi, this is Charlotte. She's uh- human. She appears to have broken her ankle, and we lost her crutches." Loki explains to the doctor, smiling a kind smile as he places me down on the bed, holding my hand gently. 

"Hello Charlotte, there is something we can do for broken bones here, something that is too advanced to be attempted by your doctors. Please, try and lay still, it will be over in a few minutes." The doctor explains, quickly unwrapping the bandages and scoffing at the sight. "Bandages. You Midgardians love wrapping everything up, when that really doesn't help too much apart from preventing further damage." The doctor laughs, Loki letting out a soft chuckle too. The doctor presses a needle to my skin, gently releasing the liquid into the vein in my ankle. I feel the area instantly go numb, it probably being some form of a local anesthetic. The lady gets quickly to work, making a small incision over the break. Her fingers move the bones around, probably repositioning them before a big machine is pulled over my foot and lined up with the cut. 

"this will fuse your bone back together." The lady explains as soon as she clocks the curious look on my face. I raise my eyebrows, feeling a slight tugging sensation in my foot. the procedure is over quickly, and the Doctor returns with a small device. She turns it on, a thin laser coming out of the device. She draws a quick line over my ankle, the cut quickly sealing, leaving a thin red line. "this will be tender for a few days, then it will fade to a scar." she tells me, helping me up. "thank you so much." I say, shaking her hand. "it is my pleasure. enjoy your time in Asgard, its not often we get a human here, let alone 2 at once!" the lady exclaims. "wait 2 at once? is Jane here?" Loki asks, an annoyed look on his face. "yes. Mr Thor arrived with her earlier today." she tells Loki, before hurrying away to help another patient.

"ughhhh!" Loki moans dramatically as he takes my hand. "I don't mind the girl, but whenever she's here Thor is all 'Jane this' and 'Jane that'" he complains, mimicking Thor in a high pitched voice. I let out a small laugh, letting him drag me along to find his mother. We walk through the golden halls, Loki talking animatedly about his adoptive family. This Loki I'm seeing now is so vastly different than the one I saw in SHIELD. He's sweet and friendly, and I'm not sure why he can't always be this version of Loki.

"Ah! Mother! I want you to meet my friend, Charlotte!" Loki shouts as he spots his mother. The lady is dressed in pale gold robes, her blonde hair flowing over her shoulders as she turns to face us. "Hello dear, I've heard much about you. Please, call me Frigga." she says, shaking my hand with a soft smile. "It's lovely to meet you Frigga. I have heard a lot about you too, just condensed down into the space of an hour." I say, smiling at Loki and causing Frigga to let out a soft laugh. "Your son talks very fondly of you." I tell her, adoring the loving gaze she gives her son. 

"-ust so excited to have you back here! It feels like its been forever since I've seen you an- Oh hi Loki." Thor says, walking into the room with his arm linked with Jane's. "You must be Charlotte. I have to say, it is a shock to see you here! How are my brothers in the Avengers?" Thor asks, releasing Jane's arm. "yes, everyone is good. I can't say I particularly thought this through though, and I would greatly appreciate it if you could pay them a visit at some point to stop them worrying." I ask, my brow furrowing. "ah of course. I was planning a visit today anyway. I will not reveal where you are, do not worry." he places his hand on my forearm in a comforting way. "thank you, I really do appreciate that." I say, making my way to introduce myself to Jane.

"Hi, you are Jane Foster, right?" I ask her holding my hand out. "Charlotte Moore, I'm also an Astrophysicist and a big fan of the work you've done." she shakes my hand, smiling. "It's nice to meet you, Charlotte. we'll have to talk some time. the stars here are magnificent!" She tells me, her eyes lighting up. 

The rest of the day consisted of tours of the castle by Loki followed by dinner in the banquet hall. They were having a celebratory dinner after some warriors returned from a fight, which somehow I was invited to. "here, this should fit you." Frigga says, handing me a pale blue dress. I slip it over my head, the material feeling soft under my fingertips. "thank you, this is a very beautiful dress." I say as she directs me to a chair. "oh you must let me style your hair! I'm very intrigued by it, the only women with hair this short are warriors and aren't to keen to have it styled." She laughs a pearly laugh as her fingers brush through my hair. "its naturally curly! how pretty." she complements me as my hair falls in small ringlets over my face. I smile, Frigga doing a thin braid across my hairline, which is connected to the back of my head with a big flower clip. She spends another 10 minutes making the curls fall how she wants, directing some to fall over my forehead and others to fall backwards. "aand done!" lets go and find Jane." he says, grabbing my hand. "thank you, I look so pretty!" I say, staring at my reflection in the mirror.


	12. Asgard

The dinner went amazingly, I ended up sat next to Loki and Frigga. the banquet hall was far larger than I imagined, hundreds of warriors and royalty pouring in. I got introduced to countless people that night, Frigga and Loki giving me encouraging looks. One time, someone handed me a drink, saying they dared me to drink it. Me, being up for a challenge, brought the glass to my lips, tilting the suspicious liquid towards my lips, before a pale hand grabs it from my grasp, sending a scowl in the direction of the man, who is now doubled over with laughter. "Fandral, you fool, she's Midgardian! This drink could have killed her!" Loki shouts, slamming the glass down onto the table, it shattering under his grasp. Fandral takes a quick step backwards, which goes unnoticed by Loki. I place a gentle hand on his shoulder, him leaning his cheek down so it touches my fingers, his eyes glancing over his shoulder to meet mine. "It's okay, He was just having a joke." I whisper softly to him. his eyes slip shut as he mumbles an apology. 

A few hours later I'm sitting on a spare mattress on Loki's floor, him deciding he'd prefer me nearby but me refusing to take his bed. My veins still run with electricity after the exciting night as I slip into some night clothes that Frigga had gotten me. There is a soft knock on the door, I softly call them in. Jane slips through the door, grinning at me. "So you like the night's sky, want to see something cool? Midgard is out tonight!" she tells me, excitement in her voice. I simply raise my eyebrows, letting her drag me along. We eventually make it all the way to the bridge, setting down a few blankets and laying back. "so that one there is Midgard." she tells me, pointing out a multicolored blob in the nights sky. "Just off to the left of the center is the Milky way, although I wouldn't be able to tell you exactly where just looking at it like this. Here - set this up." she tells me, motioning to her telescope. I quickly set up the mount, evening out the legs before attaching the telescope, moving the dials around to make sure its not going to slip out of its cradle. 

"okay, got it." she tells me, leaning away from the telescope and motioning me to take a closer look. I lean into the eyepiece, staring in amazement at the sight. 2 galaxies rest in sight, one significantly larger than the other. "is that.. what I think it is?" I gasp, staring at the familiar galaxies. "the milky way and Andromeda. you, Charlotte, are the second human to have ever seen the Milky Way from this angle." she tells me, grinning. "thats- thats so beautiful I have no words!" I say, unable to tear my eyes away from the sight. 

We head back inside, walking through the deserted hallways. "I'll see you tomorrow, Thor is planning to go down to earth tomorrow morning so you can put your mind at ease." she tells me as we reach my door. "ok cool. goodnight." I say, resting my hand on her shoulder for a second before carefully slipping into the room, watching Loki as he sleeps peacefully in his bed, all worry gone from his face. I sigh, the sight making my heart ache for the man. "It's not going to be easy, but I'm going to try to help you, Loki. Don't push me out." I whisper softly, climbing into bed before drifting off to sleep. 

* * *

**STEVE**

I wrench my eyes open, sweat soaking my body through as the memory of Peggy's voice plays in my mind, the pain as she tells me to not be late, the guilt in my heart when I know I will be. I rest my head in my hands, pulling the covers off me and standing up, stretching my spine out and causing it to crack. I walk down into the communal area, heading to the kettle and flicking it on. I flip around as the edge of white paper catches my eye, sliding the paper towards myself. I smile down at the drawing, in awe at her skill. I next divert my eyes to the sticky note, horror flooding my face as I read it. By the time I'm done, tears stream down my face as I run to her room. 

Tony is laid in her bed, curled up, an obvious Ryder sized gap left. I gasp, softly speaking to JARVIS. "J... wake the Avengers..." I mutter. "Right away, sir."

I carefully shake Tony's shoulders, becoming harder has he doesn't wake up. "C'mon Stark! Wake the fuck up!!" I shout, his eyes rolling behind his eyelids. "ugh.. Language Rogers." he mumbles, his eyes sliding open. His face freezes as he sees the look on my face, not looking away from my eyes as his hand pats the space next to him. "Steve. Where is she?" he asks, jumping into action. 

2 minutes later, we are all gathered around the table, all in our gear, all of us having read the note. "How are we going to find her then?" Tony asks after a moment of silence. "she told us to not try to rescue her." Bruce reminds him in a soft voice, a sad look on his face. "TO HELL WITH THAT! Loki is still out there! I don't care what she wants, we're finding her!" He replies, slamming his hand on the table. "Tony, none of us are happy with this, but you read the note. How about we find her but don't let her know we've found her?" I suggest, trying to calm the situation. "yeah that's not a bad idea actually. watch from afar, keep her safe." Nat agrees, nodding. 

"okay, J, show us the footage from last night." Tony sighs, a small hologram appearing. we all watch as Ryder writes the notes, tears streaming down her face. Clint carefully flips over the page as we see her writing on the back of the drawing as well, him raising his eyes before placing it back on the table. I continue watching mesmerized as she says goodbye to JARVIS, her voice cracking as she walks away. 

"okay in retrospect, that was a very useless thing to do." Tony admits, leaning back on his chair and raising his fingers to pinch the bridge of his nose. "okay, security cameras JARVIS." "Running checks now, sir." "that'll take him a while so we need a plan of action." Tony tells us, everyone looking to me. "check everywhere she knows. her apartment, her old job, Gemma and Leopold's houses." I suggest, thinking about the friends she doesn't stop talking about. We all jump into action, different people shouting out different places they will look. I end up knocking on Gemma's door, my shield attached to my back. "Steve Rogers?" she asks as she answers the door, rubbing her eyes. "sorry to disturb you so early, Gemma, but Ryder has left, and we're worried where she has gone, you know with Loki on the loose and everything." I tell her, watching her face fall. "oh god... I wish she was here, but sorry, haven't seen her since she left the lab yesterday. here's my number if there's any way I can help, and if you don't mind, if you get a spare minute if anything changes, please do update me. She's a very close friend of mine." she tells me, handing me a small slip of paper, her brow furrowing. 

"of course Gemma, thanks for getting up to help. I'll keep you posted, I'll also get JARVIS to send you regular updates. here- text this number if you get anything that can help - its connected to all our phones." I tell her, handing a number to her. "okay, thank you Mr Rogers." she says, carefully shutting the door. I sigh, heading off to my next location. 

It was 11:30 at night when I had exhausted my list of places. Annoyed beyond belief, I head back to the headquarters, flopping down on the sofa next to Clint. we both sit in silence, every now and again another avenger joining us, until we were all there. "Sir, the scans are complete. I've scanned all the faces I could, but there are some where I can't see faces and can't rule her out." JARVIS pipes up, displaying photos on the screen. we all decide to grab our own StarkPads, an invention of Tony's, and we worked until morning, analyzing each figure to find her. we came up empty.

that morning, a bright flash of light through the sky makes us all jump, and we all turn to see Thor stood on the lawn. "oh thank god." Tony mutters, opening the door for the Demigod. "ah friends! why do you all look so low?" he greets us. we sit him down, explaining the whole situation with Ryder. he frowns as we come to the end of the story, us waiting for some advice. "so you couldn't find her? maybe try just waiting a few days before you worry too much. Even with Loki about she isn't in any imminent harm - Loki talks well about the girl and he is also currently in Asgard, wanting to spend some more time with our mother." He tells us. "yeah, I guess we may have overreacted, but we all care about her a ton." I tell him, slouching in my seat. "look - I'll stay around for a few days, but I'd suggest getting on with your work. She's a girl that has lived alone since the age of 9 remember - she might just be missing that life. We know she can care for herself anyways, she sounds like a pretty strong willed girl." Thor tells us, Me kind of hoping for him to know exactly where she is, as childish as that dream is. I know he's right, but its just so hard to give up on her like this.

* * *

**CHARLOTTE**

I wake the next morning, sun streaming in through a crack in the blinds, I stretch, sitting up and pulling the blankets off myself. "Morning!" Loki greets me as he walks back into the room, his hair dripping. "oh hi Loki." I say, stifling a yawn as I make my bed, gathering the clothes someone had left on the table for me and quickly changing in the bathroom. Just as I walk out, there is a knock on the door. I answer it, letting Jane and Thor step in. "Hi, just coming to let you know that I'm heading to earth now and probably won't be back for a few days." Thor tells me, smiling kindly. "I'm also heading back too, Ian is probably getting annoyed." Jane laughs, pulling me in for a hug as she says goodbye. "I'll see you in a few days Charlotte, Loki." Thor nods as he steps out of the room, Jane following behind him. "so. what do you want to do today?" Loki asks, a cheeky grin on his face.

Loki and I spent the next few days glued at the hip, causing us to grow incredibly close. we had inside jokes, we understood what each other were thinking, we even knew how to calm each other down. Loki spent a lot of time trying to teach my how to ride a horse. He kept telling me I was a natural, then ending up laughing a few minutes later as he watched me struggle to get back on the horse after being left dangling, my feet holding on to the stirrup, my body shaking with laughter. He also taught me some tricks to do with hand to hand combat, teaching me ways to get out of different situations and interesting ways to attack to catch your opponent by surprise. He also taught me some exercises to quickly build certain muscle groups, which left me aching.

One night, the nightmares came back, like they always do. This time it was Loki dead too, laying in the center of the avengers. My voice rang out in my head, telling me I didn't save them, telling me I failed them all. I crouch down next to Loki, placing my hand on top of his. "LOKI!" I shout at him, shaking his shoulders. He moves slightly, his emerald green eyes snapping open and sending spikes through me. "Charlotte." he tells me, distress in his voice. "CHARLOTTE!" he screams, panicking. "I'm sorry Loki, I'm right here. I'm so sorry I let them hurt you." I cry, falling into his shoulder. "Come on, you need to wake up for me, this is just a dream!" he shouts, me sitting up and looking at him. "what do you mean..?" I ask, looking around me. Now he mentions it, everything is wrong. Nat has black hair, my apartment is the wrong way around, even Tony's suit is blue. the sudden realization pulls me from the dream. my eyes snapping open. "oh thank god." Loki whispers, his small yet strong frame wrapping me in a hug, me instantly returning it. I let his familiar scent calm me down, carefully laying back down and grabbing his arm. "can you stay? I tend to have less nightmares when I have someone with me." I say, a light blush on my cheeks. "yeah, I'll stay." he tells me, snuggling down next to me and wrapping his arms around me. The next 2 nights he wordlessly gets into his bed, pulling me with him and holding me against his chest. 

I wake up on the fourth day, lifting my head off Loki's chest to glance towards the window. their is light behind it, telling me its daytime. Loki stirs underneath me, his eyes meeting mine with a tired smile. "hey miss mortal, what'd you want to do today?" he asks with a grin. We both slowly get changed, him in the bathroom and me in his room. We chat animatedly as we do so, talking about our plans for the day. I tie a small braid through my hair, it becoming a common thing I do as my hair becomes longer. My hair has always grown fast, but instead of fighting the ringlets that form at the end, I let the now slightly faded blue tips coil up, them brushing my jawline. "oo can I redo your hair? the blue is fading. we also need to redo your undercut!" he tells me, rushing off to grab his clippers. that, is how I ended up sitting in the bathroom with Loki cutting my hair. He had to get Frigga to help with the bleaching and dyeing part, not trusting himself to get it right. By the end of the 2 hours, I look much more me. "thank you so much for your help, you two!" I say, Frigga pulling me in for a hug. 

Suddenly there is a sharp knock on the door, Thor rushing in. "Charlotte, I think its time you go. You're needed badly on Midgard." Thor tells me, a worried expression on his face.


	13. back down to earth

I feel my face drop as Thor grabs my hand, pulling me up. "whats going on?" I ask him, panic setting in. "man of iron is a mess, the captain will barely speak, even big green is losing it slightly, even though he's always so good with emotions. This isn't working. they need you. I ended up telling them where you were when they wouldn't stop looking, and now they are very worried." he tells me as I pack my things away. "okay, yeah maybe I made a bad choice. I already miss them like hell." I admit, regretting all the pain I had caused. "thank you Thor, you were a big help." I tell him, hugging Frigga goodbye. Loki grabs my hand as we walk with Thor to the bridge. "can I take her back? I won't let them see me." Loki asks, turning to Thor. "yeah I guess I don't see the harm in that. Good luck, Charlotte, it was nice meeting you." Thor tells me. "you too, Thor. See you soon!" I wave as Loki holds my hand tightly, us silently making our way down to the Bifrost gateway. 

"goodbye, Midgardian, good luck" Heimdall tells me, smiling as he slots his sword into the pole, Loki wrapping his arms around my waist. My feet hit the ground as my knees buckle beneath me, a pair of strong arms holding me upright. Loki silently pulls me in for a tight hug, whispering softly in my ear. "This isn't goodbye, short stuff. I'll be visiting, I'll miss you like hell." he tells me, holding me close. He's almost as god as Tony with his nicknames, always having a new name for me. "Good, because I'll miss you too Gummy Bear. Not goodbye." I say, pulling away from him. "not goodbye." he whispers as the Bifrost reopens, my friend disappearing. I sigh, turning towards the grey building, only to be met with 5 pairs of shocked eyes. I quickly curse under my breath, knowing that the Bifrost must have alerted them to our arrival, meaning they probably saw my goodbye with Loki. I quickly make my way into the building, half jogging back to my home.

As soon as the door opens I launch myself into the nearest persons arms that I see, that person just so happening to be Steve. His warm scent overflows my senses, my eyes letting out floods of tears. "I'm so sorry I left. I thought I could spare you guys hurt, stop me from holding you back, but I just ended up causing you more pain." I blubber into Steve's chest, his warm arms holding me close and safe. "yeah, yeah you did a pretty dumb thing. there are other ways you could protect us, like developing science for example. Don't take off with a dangerous Asgardian out of the blue!" Tony shouts. I pull away from Steve, walking over and pulling Tony in for a hug. "I'm sorry. I was dumb." I tell him, pulling away from him. He runs his hand through my hair, his fingers teasing the newly dyed ends. "This looks really nice with your natural curls." he mumbles, cracking a grin. I let out a small laugh, my hands dropping from his sides. "Don't do that to me again kid, got it? I missed you like hell, we all did." he tells me, his face going serious again as he wipes a stray tear off his face.

"hows your ankle?" Bruce asks me, pulling me in for a quick hug. "Good as new. Cool Asgardian procedure." I tell him, letting him inspect the mended bone, his finger tracing the now white line. "fascinating..." he mumbles, standing back up. "So it's completely healed?" He asks his eyes alight with interest. I throw him a nod, smiling when his mouth forms an O shape. "So Loki, Huh? Thor said you actually called for him!" Tony says, causing me to turn back around. I itch the back of my neck, feeling nervous at the sight of the Avengers with dark looks in their eyes. "I had no other options! I was going to tear you lot apart or you would end up dying for me, and I had to at least stop that from happening!" I shout, all their eyes turning from angry to concerned. "He's actually very kind - we spent these days growing very close, there is a side of Loki that he doesn't show! He's a troubled man, true, but he doesn't deserve to have everyone not trusting him!" I defend my new friend, everyone's jaws locking as they look at each other.

"Ryder Loki is-" Natasha starts but I cut her off. "I know who he is and what he's done, but I'm just telling you what I saw." I tell them, looking down to see me still dressed in the Asgardian cloths Frigga had given me. "I need to go and get changed." I tell them, almost running back to my room. I walk in to find everything untouched, all except the bed, who had obviously had someone sleeping in it. I carefully make it, catching Steve's scent on the sheets as I straighten them. I place my gun down on top of my dresser, pulling out a pair of jeans and a hoodie, before picking up my sketchbook. I sketch the outline of my new friend, not in his battle clothes though, in the casual gold and green clothes he wore around during the day. I sigh, knowing that I need to let off a bit of energy before I can properly talk to them. I change into some leggings before making my way out of my room.

"Can we talk?" Steve asks, grabbing my arm, a sad look on his face. "Later, I'd just get angry now. I'm going to go and let off some steam." I tell him, before turning and leaving the room. I make my way into the gym, JARVIS instantly playing my workout playlist as I do some warmup stretches. I decide to do the workout Loki showed me, my mind wandering off as I daydream. I dream about a time that I can fight, a time I can help the Avengers, A time I can save them. I sigh, walking over to the punchbag to practice some punching. I throw some of Loki's dodges in there, slipping past the bag proving much easier than slipping past the god of mischief. I stop for a moment to catch my breath, taking a big drink of water, before returning to the punching bag, it proving very useful in letting off some energy. 

"Mind if I join?" A voice asks from behind me. I turn to see Steve stood at the door, his arms crossed. "You can join, but I told you, I don't trust myself not to get angry." I tell him, returning to throwing punches at the bag. Steve smiles, doing some basic stretches. "I just want to spend some time with you. I missed you tons." He tells me. "Yeah, I missed you too." I tell him turning away from the bag. "wanna go a round? I'll be light with my punches, I promise." Steve asks with a smile, my face morphing into a smirk. "you're on, spangles." I say, referring to his old nickname of 'star spangled man', making him laugh. We get into defensive poses, nervousness washing through my body at the sight of his muscles. _why did I think it would be a good idea to fight a super soldier again?_ Steve throws a punch towards my head, which I easily dodge, climbing onto his back and wrapping my arms around his neck. "you need to try a little harder than that!" I whisper into his ear, easily jumping off his back and landing in front of him. We go on like this for a while, me managing to land a few hits on Steve, which I'm pretty sure he could have blocked, and him giving me advice all the way through on ways to change things up. 

Steve ends up pinning me down, both of us too exhausted to continue. He carefully rolls off me, landing on his back and turning his head to face me. I let out a small laugh, my breathing heavy and sweat covering every inch of my body. "C'mon, lets go get showers." He says, standing up and pulling me after him. He continues to hold my hand as we fight our way through the business men in the lobby, not letting it go until we reach the apartment. "We're going to go shower, then lunch?" Steve asks the gang as we walk in. "I'm always up for food." Clint says, grinning. "ONE AT A TIME, STEVIE!" Tony shouts, causing Steve to blush bright red. "That's not what I- oh nevermind." Steve rolls his eyes, grabbing my hand again and holding the door open for me. "m'lady." he says, causing me to giggle. "you're welcome to wait inside the bathroom instead of awkwardly lingering outside, if you'd like." I tell him, laughing as he leans against the wall. "really?" he asks, raising an eyebrow. "there is such thing as a shower curtain, and it's not like you've never seen most of me naked anyways." I tell him, dragging him inside and shutting the door.

I step into the shower, pulling off my clothes as soon as I am behind the curtain and placing them in a neat pile on the floor. I let the hot water run over my body, easing my aching muscles. "so tell me about Asgard. I promise not to say anything snarky about Loki." Steve starts, letting out a light laugh. "oh it was amazing. it was like the drawings just infinitely better. everyone was happy, some warriors came back from battle and we all had this huge banquet! Thor's mum is just the sweetest person ever, Odin is also kind but I didn't get the chance to see him very much. Jane Foster was actually there for some of it! we watched the milky way at night, it was so beautiful" I tell him, smiling at the new memories. "wow, that sounds amazing. So tell me about Loki. I want to understand this guy." He asks me, his voice light and showing no signs of malison, so I start back up again.

"Loki was completely different. He was funny and caring and so overly cheeky. He taught me some of those moves I pulled on you, he also tried teaching me how to horse ride! He was so different from the Loki we see on earth, it was amazing. he held me at night when I had nightmares, kept me safe when the warriors would dare me to do stuff, he was just so sweet." I tell him, remembering my friend. "you're going to need to turn around, I forgot clothes. Luckily there's 2 towels I guess." I tell him, before hopping out the shower and securing a towel around my midsection. "wow, I can't even imagine it, he sounds like a good person." Steve tells me, surprise in his voice. Steve showers quickly, our conversation straying from Asgard to just casual chatter, and soon he was stepping out the shower and wrapping a towel around his waist. We leave the bathroom, me struggling to keep my eyes from his chest, because, well he is a super soldier after all, his chest is literally perfect. 

once I was back in my room, I quickly change into some casual clothes before returning to the communal area. "Hiya. my whole body hurts, why would you let Steve come and fight me?" I complain, grabbing myself a coffee. they all laugh hard, probably imagining me getting absolutely destroyed. "he was holding back too." I moan, slightly embarrassed at the fact. "Not as much as you think, you're fast." Steve tells me as he walks out of his room, water still shining in his hair. he throws me a soft smile, grabbing himself a cup of tea and leaning against the work surface next to me. 

"Ryder.. we need to talk about Loki." Tony starts, standing up. "what is there to say? I made a mistake, but discovered a kind, friendly, troubled man in the process. I know I hurt you lot, but I can look after myself, I'm stronger than I look." I say, smirking with that last line. "Not physically." Tony says, walking towards me. "He could have hurt you so easily, could have killed you. Do you think that we would have been able to deal with- to even process that, If you were to die?" he asks, coming closer and closer. "I didn't mean physically. I mean mentally, emotionally. I can put up walls, can play games. I made sure not to be too vulnerable in front of him until I knew it was safe." I lie, trying to placate Tony. the point is, I can look after myself, but I did open up to Loki very quickly. Tony sighs, pulling me in for a bone crushing hug. "We care about you. we just don't want to lose you, kid." he tells me quietly, placing a kiss to the side of my head. "thank you. I love being loved, I'm just not used to it so don't know how to act. I'm going to make mistakes with it, but know I love you lot too, and I'm _trying_ to not hurt you, I just get it wrong sometimes." I explain, leaning against Steve. My ankle may be healed, but those few days I spent not walking on it weakened the muscle, not to mention the broken bones tearing one, causing my ankle to become sore and tired very easily. 

"you okay?" Steve mumbles to me softly, his gaze worried. "yeah, just my ankle is a little tired. I think I'm going to go and sit down for a while." I tell him as I make my way towards my room. When I get there I flomp down onto my bed, my hands instantly finding the half finished sketch of Loki. I grab the book, my pencil gently moving over the page as I shade the drawing. A small shadow is suddenly cast over my book, and I look up to see my drawing come to life, standing there, smirking at me. "hellooo" Loki greets me, joining me on my bed. "LOKI? What the hell are you doing here you idiot! you do know I live with the bloody Avengers, right??" I whisper shout, even though I know these walls are thick enough to hide our voices. "Yeah, I know, but whats life without a little danger? anyways, I wanted to see you. Asgard is soooo boring without you!" he tells me, turning and scooting up next to me, throwing his arm over my shoulders. "aand I'm guessing I am not the only one that misses somebody!" he laughs, looking down at the drawing in my lap. "super realistic, by the way, spot on." he laughs as I shove his arm hard, him toppling off the bed in surprise. Our eyes instantly snap to the door, both of us freezing and listening for any evidence of movement after the hard thud Loki made as he fell off the bed. After a minute of silence, we both break out into laughter, grinning like mad. 


	14. like ghosts in the snow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> started this on xmas day, so merry christmas everyone :)

Loki continues to visit every day for the whole week, us spending maybe an hour laughing and messing around, like we would on Asgard. I'm sleeping less too, deciding my time is better spent on getting stronger and improving my aim, anyways, I'll sleep when I've been kicked out of this place. My relationships with the Avengers slowly repair themselves, them quickly accepting me back. Steve and I tend to spend more time together too - He seems to get what I feel just as Loki does, seeming to always be feeling the same thing. With Loki it usually ends in a playful argument, him knowing my train of thought because his is on another track, going in the opposite direction, yet with Steve there is this peaceful connection, where we both understand each other, because we are more alike than we thought. My arrows grow closer to being finished, the impending moment where I have to act cheerful as I leave the only real family I've ever had growing ever closer. I also have been getting my strength and speed up, deciding to hide my progress from Steve and the others for now, not knowing how they would react. no need to stress them out.

"Для ад..." (fucking hell) I hear Natasha mumble as I walk into the communal area. The team is stood around a hologram, watching what appears to be the news. 

"Что случилось?" (What happened?) I ask as I slide onto a barstool. Everyone's eyes stick to me like glue, confusion in their gazes. "wait- you know Russian?" Natasha asks, raising an eyebrow. "да. when I was 8ish, I wanted to go into space. maybe it was a sort of getting away from my home type thing- I don't really know, but I saw online that the only way up was in a Russian Soyuz capsule, in which all the controls are in Russian, so, I learnt it. I'm surprised I haven't told you guys that yet." I say with a shrug, pouring myself a glass of water. "okay then, at least this means we can confuse the hell out of the boys. Вы тренировались в стрельбе? (have you practiced shooting?)" Nat asks me, grinning at the curios look Tony gives her. He always wants to know everything, so he's going to hate this.

"да, почти каждый день. (yes almost every day.)" I tell her with a proud grin. "любой хороший? (any good?)" she asks, raising an eyebrow. "meh. определенное улучшение. (definite improvement)" I tell her. "Good. we have a situation." she tells me, waving a hand towards the hologram. the news story that JARVIS is now playing on repeat is describing a situation where a giant spider type device is terrorizing downtown new York, slowly making it's way through the city. "It appears to be being remotely controlled, so we need to get down there and destroy it, but also figure out who is controlling it. You're job kid is to look after this place. I'll put it into lockdown as we leave. Keep your gun nearby, don't be afraid to use it. Stay here, too, unless we tell you any different." Tony tells me, deciding to ignore the 30 second conversation between Natasha and I, for which I'm glad. I'm pretty sure he would throw a super fit if I told him about the gun practice. 

"Okay. stay safe you lot, good luck!" I tell them as they all rush off to gear up. "turn that off, J." I tell the AI, walking to my room to grab my gun and placing it in my holster which is strapped tightly around my thigh. I hear the Avengers rush out, Tony shouting for JARVIS to enter lockdown and to connect to the coms channel as they leave. I tell JARVIS to mute the mic until I tell him otherwise as soon as they're out of the door, slipping on my tight leather trousers and a plain black T shirt, pulling my leather jacket on. 

"shit, there's alien monster thingies coming out of the robot? oh wait, they're just humanoid robots. Be careful." Tony declares, sounding out of breath. "you're not seriously going to go down there, are you?" A voice asks from behind me. I turn to see Loki watching me, an eyebrow raised. "they need help. You can stand there and watch me or you can help. I need a way to cover my face and hair." I say, rummaging around in my room. "here." Loki says, throwing a bandana type thing at me, along with a bottle of black hair dye, the stuff that washes out. "found this. let me help you sort out your hair. I'll help you, but remember I can't show up at the fight, so you're going to have to be careful and not die for me." he tells me, quickly pulling me towards the bathroom and covering my blue tips with the dye, before straightening my hair, changing the side of my parting and covering half of my face with the black curtain. Next, he lines my eyes with thick black eyeliner, before tying the bandana around my nose and mouth. "there, this will have to do you. Don't stand too still or get too close to anyone, they might recognise you. also, why the fuck don't you have your fingerless gloves on? I told you, if you're going to wear the trousers you must wear the gloves!" Loki shouts, rummaging through my wardrobe and throwing the gloves at me. I laugh, tightening them around my wrists. I give him a quick hug, him pressing a quick kiss to my cheek.

"See you later, Loki." I say, grabbing my earpiece and syncing it up with JARVIS, turning off the microphone. "be careful. I'll see you soon." he tells me, gripping my hand. I run out, my hands jittery as I try not to think too much about how this is my first time going in to fight, not even knowing if my skills are good enough to last a second. The shouts of my friends urge me on, they're struggling down there, they need my help. I quickly turn back around, my brain was in autopilot and completely forgot about the fact that the place is in lockdown. I run, leaping out of my window and rolling across the soft grass as I land. I stand back up, taking off running again. 

A few minutes later, I reach the site of the battle. Buildings are cracked, people screaming, everything on fire, and in the center of it a giant metal spider, the Avengers fighting around it, clearly outnumbered. I run towards the first robot I see, kicking its knee and ripping it's head off. "uhh - an unknown entity has entered the field. this one is a human." I hear Tony say through the com. I look up to see Iron man hovering, staring directly at me. "I'm just here to help you out." I shout, slipping into the American accent that I haven't used for ages, also meaning I've never used it in front of them. "good. we need help. Do anything suspicious though and we will not hesitate to take you out." he warns, shooting a robot. I nod at him, laughing as I hear his voice through the coms. "friendly, for now. Don't hesitate to shoot though, it seems a little off that someone just shows up wanting to help." he says, and I get back to fighting. 

Eventually I manage to fight off all the robots around me, turning too see Natasha and Clint surrounded, Hulk and Cap preoccupied with their own robots. I grab my gun, sending precise shots at the robots, drowning out all sounds and focusing on the shots. _breathe in, aim, breathe out and shoot._ I say quietly in my head, managing to take out 3 robots. I turn to see Tony attempting to get into the big one, and I quickly take out a few robots that are hot on his tail. I try my hardest not to laugh as I listen to them talking about me in the coms, them obviously not knowing I have access to their conversation. "wow, they're a really good shot. Who do you think it is?" Clint asks. "not a clue. Guess we'll have to ask, their face is covered so I can't run a scan." Tony replies, his voice out of breath. 

"hey, Ryder? you in on this? how's it going over there?" Steve asks. _shit._ I look around, seeing no Avengers close enough to hear me speak and turn on my mic. "yeah good, I'm just doing some sit-ups and pushups because I needed to let off some energy, so sorry if I sound out of breath. You guys getting close?" I asks casually, trying to even out my breathing, and quickly turning off my mic as I shoot 2 robots. "yeah, hopefully. Tony is just taking the beast offline now, then it will be getting rid of the little ones and cleanup." he tells me. "okay, thats good." I say, ducking behind a tree and crouching down, before jumping back up to shoot some aliens. "is that gunshots? where are you?" Tony asks me, his voice angry. oops. "yeah, I'm watching a bad spy movie on TV." I say quickly. "I'll let you get back to your fight, be careful." I tell them, flicking my microphone back off and returning fully to the fight. 

Tony finally disables the big spider bot, the rest of the robots falling dead as he does so. "well that's convenient." Nat says, picking up a robot and beginning a pile. I decide to stay to help with the cleanup, us all adding to the pile. I ignore the looks they give me, focusing on the job at hand. I look up to see a group of reporters heading towards up, instantly backing away. "you off? thanks for the help. maybe drop by the new Avengers building when its finished, it'll be done in the next few days. We'd love to meet you." Steve says, holding a hand out. I just continue to back away, quickly replying to Steve. "yeah, maybe. I'm quite busy and not very trusting though so I don't know. I need to go though, don't want to be caught on camera." I explain, quickly turning and running off. When I get back, I walk into my room to find Loki stretched out on my bed. "welcome back. thought I'd hang around and listen to the coms, it sounded good." he says, smiling at me. "you might not want to hang around, they'll be back soon. I need to get changed and showered, thanks for all the help." I thank him, chucking the bandana and my gun and holster into my wardrobe. "No problemo. see you soon!" he shouts, disappearing. I peel my clothes off me, shoving them under my bed so I remember to clean them later. I pull out a casual outfit, jumping into the shower and watching the black dye swirl down the drain. 

After washing my hair twice to get my blue back, I get out of the shower and pull my clothes on, just to hear the Avengers arrive. "hey guys, congrats, sounded like it went well." I say as I walk into the communal area. "yeah, all thanks to the mystery girl. Wonder who she was." Clint says, his brow furrowing. we ended up watching a film together, no one suspecting a thing. Steve ended up on the sofa next to me, his arm behind my head and his head on my shoulder, asleep. I feel a light tug in my heart at the sight, his blond hair tousled from the fight and mud smudged on his face, him still not having changed out of his Captain America outfit. The film finishes, everyone making their way to their own rooms, as I sigh. I hook my arms under his body, gently lifting him and carrying him into my room. I place him gently down on the bed, slipping out of my room to grab him some clothes. I return, deciding to strip him down to his boxers, placing the PJ bottoms down on the bed before gently removing his top, folding it neatly before moving on to his trousers. I finally get them off, getting a shock. I expected to strip him down to his boxers, a way that I've seen him before because we're close friends, but that's pretty hard when he's not wearing boxers. "whoa okay, jeez Steve, you don't wear boxers under your suit. okay." I say quietly, refusing to look towards that area. I quickly slip the trousers onto him, pulling my duvet over his body and quickly leaving the room, needing some air. 

I fall down onto the sofa, snapping my head sideways when I see a shadow. "NAT? holy shit you gave me a heart attack." I say, leaning forward and placing a hand on my chest. Natasha laughs as she sinks down onto the sofa next to me. "I was just having some alone time, when I heard a voice coming from your room. Jeez, you're still bright red!" Nat says with a laugh. "that good, huh?" She laughs harder as I punch her on the arm, feeling more heat flush my cheeks. "I mean, super soldier and all that, I guess it makes sense that his whole body got a growth spurt." She adds, grinning. "okay then, I'm off." I say, standing up. "Noooo!" she shouts, her arms around my waist, puling me back down onto the sofa. "That punch hurt, you've gotten really strong. we need to get outside tomorrow by the way, I want to have a look at your shooting." she tells me, smiling. we end up spending about an hour watching TV and chatting, before we both went off to bed. I slip into bed, propping my pillow upright and sitting up.

I grab my sketchbook, deciding to draw the sleeping man next to me. I sketch his outline, smiling down at him when he rolls over in his sleep, one arm wrapping around my waist as he mumbles nonsense. I finish the drawing, throwing the sketchbook to the end of the bed and deciding to try to get a little bit of sleep. I scoot down under the duvet, Steve's arm now around my shoulders. I snuggle into my friend's chest, wrapping my arm around his waist and breathing in his scent, letting his warm skin lull me to sleep. 

I wake up to movement underneath me and I open my eyes to see Steve trying to sit up without jostling me. He sends me an apologetic smile when he sees my eyes open. "sorry, I didn't mean to wake you. uh- how did I end up in your bed last night, by the way?" he asks, his brow furrowing. I laugh at the sight, sitting up before replying. "you fell asleep during the film so I carried you in here." I tell him, smiling. "ah okay, good. Wait- did you change me?" he asks as soon as he sees the pile of clothes on the floor. "oh uh- yeah. I didn't know you didn't wear boxers underneath your suit before I did, by the way. I didn't look, or anything, don't worry." I say, trailing off. "oh yeah, they bunch up." he explains, that causing me to burst into laughter. "c'mon, lets go get me some coffee and you some tea." I say, crawling out of bed and heading out to the kitchen. 

"hey Captain no pants, did you two have fun last night?" Nat asks as soon as we get there, a grin on her face. "It's just because they bunch up..." He mumbles, blushing. I hit her arm again, a soft "hey" falling from her lips as I do so, grasping her arm. "can you please stop doing that, your punches hurt now!" she says, pouting. "Я перестану, когда ты перестанешь шутить о его члене. (I'll stop when you stop joking about his dick)" I say, slipping into Russian as I don't think Steve would be to appreciative of that. Nat burst out into laughter, regaining herself before she replies. "ты знаешь, тебе понравилось. (you know you liked it)" she says, smirking. I punch her in the shoulder again, her pulling up her sleeve to show a red mark. "gah! Look what she did to me, Steve!" she shouts, holding her arm out. "wow, that was a good hit." Steve complementing me, holding his hand up for a high five. "Not even as hard as I can hit. I'm saving that for the next time she pisses me off." I say with a grin as my hand connects with his, him letting out a soft laugh, his fingers entwining with mine, a soft blush on my cheeks. "sorry, I don't know why I did that." he says, quickly dropping my hand and looking away. "No, its honestly fine. I like holding hands with people." I mumble softly, slipping my hand back into his and gaining a grateful smile from him. 

"bleh. I'm drinking my coffee somewhere else." Nat says, breaking the silence and storming off. we laugh, sitting down at the table. "so, my project will be done today." I tell Steve, taking a sip of coffee to hide the sadness in my eyes. "oh- uh- well done." he says. "our new building will be done tomorrow, maybe you should come and visit?" he asks, sadness in his eyes. "yeah, I'd like that." I mumble with a smile. 

later that day, I'm sanding off the tip of the arrows, attaching all the parts together and adding finishing touches to the arrow holder, bow and pistol I had designed. I decided to make a little something for everyone on the team to say thank you. I made Tony a new panel in his arm that can hold the bullets I had designed, painted in red and fully loaded with my non lethal bullets, I made Nat the pistol, with my bullets, the gun having a fingerprint sensor so only she can shoot it, Clint gets his bow and arrows, for Bruce I made some upgrades for his science equipment, deciding that Hulk is his weapons and there wasn't much I could do for him there, and for Steve I made a special stand for his shield, so that it isn't always getting in the way, along with electromagnet controlled sensors, one for his wrist and one for his shield, meaning it will come back to him when it's within a certain distance. I sigh, placing all my new builds in a box before placing all my work for the bullets, including the working thing in another. I leave the box for the Avengers in the lab for now, instead walking to go and meet with Nick Fury.

I make it to the conference room where I first met Nick Fury, knocking gently and straightening out my suit jacket. "Ah, miss Moore. Please, sit down." Nick greets me, motioning to the seat opposite him. "thank you, Mr Fury. Here I have all you'll need to mass produce these bullets and arrows, they're standard size so fit into all regular handguns. These are the real things, ready to use." I explain, pulling things out of the box. "this is fantastic, thank you for all your hard work. here is the money we have decided on, that envelope has $1000 in cash, and a cheque for $4000." he tells me, my eyes widening at the amount. "wow, that's very generous, but I can't accept this amount! I was thinking more along the lines of maybe $500, maybe less than that as you let me stay here!" I say to him, placing the envelope back on the table. "No no, you deserve this amount, everyone agrees. this product will save hundreds of lives! The work you did here was fantastic, and in such a short amount of time, you deserve every penny!" he tells me, smiling. "wow, thank you Mr Fury, I've really enjoyed my time working here." I say, returning his smile.

Later that day, I'm finishing packing up my room, my box of presents on my bed. I look out my door, seeing everyone in the communal area, their eyes glued to the TV. I sneak into each of their rooms, leaving their gifts on their beds. I sigh, returning to my room and looking around. I pick up my gun, returning the one with bullets and the holster to Natasha's room, before slipping the one with plastic bullets into the waistband of my jeans, leaning down to grab my bag and my telescope. I glance around the room once more, before heading out to say goodbye to the others. I have already said goodbye to my science friends, Gemma crying lightly when we hugged and Fitz making me promise to visit. 

I place my stuff down by the door, Tony instantly pulling me in for a hug. "gah, I'm going to miss having you around, kid." he says, holding me at arms length. "you better visit my beautiful new tower soon." he tells me, grinning. "of course! Thanks for putting up with me." I say, letting him go and turning to face Bruce. "I'll see you around, Bruce. Thanks for all the help on my bullets." I tell him, pulling him in for a soft hug. "no problem, any time. I'll see you soon." he promises as I turn to Clint. "enjoy your new arrows, birdie boy. Hope I got the weight right." I say, him hugging me. "I'm sure they're perfect, kid. I'm going to miss you." he says, giving me a light squeeze before letting go. "Прощай мой друг (goodbye, my friend.)" Natasha says, pulling me in for a tight hug. "bye Nat. I'll miss you!" I say, her pressing a soft kiss to my forehead. Finally, I turn to Steve, him silently pulling me in for a tight hug. "Are you sure you don't want me to walk with you back to your place?" he asks softly. "No, don't worry. I've got it. I'll miss having you to hug when I have nightmares." I laugh, a tear threatening to escape my eye. you'll still have me. You can always call, I'll come straight to you. No matter what time." he promises, pressing a lingering kiss to my cheek, wiping away a tear that had managed to escape. I finally let go of him, turning to see everyone fighting off tears. Tony hands me a small bag, his logo on the front. "this is so you can stay in contact with us. all our numbers are already in it." he tells me pulling me in for another hug. "thank you, Tony. I'd best be off now, bye." I say, slipping out of the apartment as the tears start falling.


	15. All alone again

I trudge home slowly, my eyes dancing over the buildings as they become more and more run down, the bitter winter breeze nipping at my tear covered cheeks. I finally make it to my apartment, twisting my key in the lock and shoving the door open, before closing it behind me, my eyes instantly meeting the bag of booze I had bought the last time I was back here. My eyes stay far from the area of ground that I watch my friends bleed out on night after night as I pull a beer out of the bag, hesitantly removing the cap before taking a large gulp from the glass bottle. My nose scrunches at the bitter taste as I place down my bags on my bed, unzipping my bag and returning my clothes to the drawers in the corner of the room. I place my sketchpad and notepads on my table, standing my telescope up by the shattered window. I sit down hard onto my bed, laying back and letting the beer numb my mind, the bottle feeling empty far too soon. I sigh, standing up again to fetch another beer, returning to my position on my bed, this time sitting up.

A few beers later and my brain is already fuzzy - noticeably quicker than it was before I spent about a month not drinking. I enjoy the warm embrace of the alcohol, letting it numb my brain and kill any stray thoughts. I let my eyes slip shut, before snapping them open again, my eyes meeting the box in the corner. I carefully unwrap the soft white bag, slipping out a neat box, the Stark logo displayed on the front. I open the box, slipping out the phone and turning it over, the cover being a personalized cover with a picture of all 6 of us, snuggled under blankets in the sitting room area, with Tony holding the camera. I sigh, more waterworks making their way down my face as I press the on button, the background picture being one of just Steve and I, in front of the mirror in the bathroom, his lips to my cheek and my nose scrunched up, however its impossible to miss the smile on my face, the color in my cheeks. 

I scroll through my contacts, seeing everyone's names in there, including Gemma's, Fitz's and even Fury's, but my scrolling stops dead when I see one name: JARVIS. I press call instantly, his soft voice filling my ears. "Miss Moore, what a pleasure." he begins as I smile. "JARVIS! am I just talking to you or can this be heard over the whole apartment?" I ask hesitantly before I say something I will regret. "Just me, and this is totally confidential, Tony will have no record of our conversations." he tells me helpfully. "oh, great. I was wondering if you could notify me every time the avengers are called out?" I ask hesitantly, awaiting his response. "Of course, miss Moore. anything else I can do for you today?" "No thanks, J, Bye." I say, hanging up the phone and placing it on the bed next to me, before downing my drink.

"You're honestly still going to help out with missions, even though you've finished your work there?" A soft voice asks, and I turn to see Loki. "LOKI!" I shout, launching myself into the mans arms. "Hey.. it's okay..." He tells me, his eyes drifting to my empty beer bottles before sighing. His hands knock my legs from underneath me as he carefully carries me around my bed, setting me down on the hard mattress. His hand wipes across my cheek, wiping away tears I didn't even knew had fell. "Bad day?" he asks, his arms holding me to his chest as I listen to his steady breathing. "Y-yeah. hard day." I hiccup, the beer having gone straight to my head. "okay. lets get some sleep." he says gently, pulling my gun from my waistband and placing it on the table. I snuggle into my friends chest, his lips on the top of my head as I drift off. 

I wake up a few hours later, a splitting headache raging though my skull. I lift a hand to my forehead, wincing as I let my eyes slip open. Loki brushes the hair from my face, holding out 2 paracetamol and a glass of water, which I swallow down quickly, sending him a thankful smile. "ah. sorry you had to see me drunk." I apologize, looking down. "you're a very pleasant drunk, I could hardly notice." He assures me with a smile. "well I wasn't really too drunk." I mutter, leaning into his hand. "you want to get some more sleep?" he asks quietly, I just shake my head. I end up spending the night teaching Loki how to use my telescope, us both laughing every time he turns the wrong axis, almost dropping it out of the window. 

the next week passes similarly to this - Me spending less and less time with Loki, Me drinking more and more, until one night where Loki only shows up for 5 minutes. He instantly grabs hold of my body, holding me close. "I'm very sorry, Charlotte, but I'm not going to have the chance to visit for the next few weeks." Loki whispers into my ears, my body instantly tensing up. "I'll return to you as quick as possible, but I'm needed in Asgard." he tells me, rubbing my hair. "Its okay, take all the time you need." I tell him, leaning back out of the hug a plastering a smile on my face. "okay. I'll see you as soon as I can!" he tells me as he disappears into nothing. I turn, sitting down on my bed, only for my phone to buzz. I grab it, clicking on the notification that JARVIS has sent me a message. I instantly tense up, ready to jump into action, when I read the message.

_Dear Miss Moore,_

_Mr Stark wishes to invite you to a party, celebrating the opening of the new Avengers Tower. The party will be being held tomorrow night, starting at 8 pm, however Mr Stark wishes for you to arrive at 7:30 to catch up. It is short notice, but the build has just been finished and Mr Stark wants to celebrate this as soon as possible. Please reply to inform me of whether you will be attending._

_JARVIS_

I smile down at the message, checking the time. Its currently 9 pm, so theres no point in going out to look for a dress now, I'll just have to do that tomorrow morning. I send a quick text back to JARVIS, letting him know that I would love to attend Tony's party, before pulling my new hair trimmers out of their bag. I sit in front of my mirror, carefully cutting away the black hair on the side of my head again. I smile, my fingers brushing through the short black hair. I next turn to the soft curls that hang over my face. The last time I dyed them, I only went for a semi permanent, as I couldn't find permanent, so the color is barely visible. I grab the fresh bottle of hair bleach along with the slightly more green color of dye, before getting to work. I layered the bleach into my hair to make it fade slowly darker, hoping it will have the same effect with the blue. I let the bleach seep higher into my hair this time, as my hair is longer now. I wash the product out, before applying an even layer of the blue over the top. I wait a little longer than the box specifies to get a more intense blue, my hair always bouncing back well after this form of damage. I finally wash that color out too, admiring the newly colored hair. I smile, before sitting down at the table to do some more work, every now and again pepping over to my telescope to have a break. 

The sun finally begins to rise, my telescope quickly being rendered useless. I slip on a casual outfit, not bothering to even attempt to control my hair, before brushing my teeth and cleaning up my work. I set out to the shops, having to walk for almost an hour to find a dress shop. "hello, how might I help you today?" the cashier asks, eyeing up my faded jeans. "hi, I've been invited to a party by a friend, and want to look nice for it." I tell the lady, her stepping out from behind the desk. She spends the next 10 minutes picking out dresses that she claims matches my hair, or my eyes, or my skin tone. I spend the time flicking through the racks of dresses, my hands breezing over the soft materials. The lady hands me a large pile of dresses, ushering me into the changing rooms and asking that I show her any that I like so she can make sure the size is correct. I spend almost 20 minutes trying on dress after dress, them either being an odd color or odd shape. one even had huge tassels dangling from the chest area, making me have to stifle a laugh.

I finally find a 3 dresses that I like, one being a red, loose dress that brushes my knees. the neckline is modest and the sleeves short, with no decorations on the dress itself. its a nice dress, but when I tried it on thats all it was. It was nice, but nothing special. the next dress is blue, approximately the same blue as my hair, and tight. It had gold linings and no sleeves, the neckline being bandeau, the dress either barely covering the top of my bra or the bottom of my pants, neither both at once. I sigh, placing the dress with the red one. I try on the last, my current favorite, pleased as it slips on fairly easily. It stops about mid thigh, the thick black material clinging to my skin. there are sections of it cut out at the sides, revealing parts of my stomach and shoulders. The sleeves are long but the neckline plunges down the front of the dress, a silver zip down the front to control how far it goes. the rest of the neckline is kind of like a turtleneck, standing up and brushing my jawline. the dress has a slightly blue tint that is only noticeable in some lights, the dark burgundy lining slightly visible. I smile into the mirror, before walking out of the dressing room. The assistant claps, telling me how well the dress suits my figure, blah blah blah. basically just stuff to make me buy the dress, but I'm already sold on it anyway. 

After purchasing the dress I walk into the shop next door, and begin browsing shoes. I end up picking out a pair of black boots, with zips down the sides similar to the one on the dress and a large heel. I smile at the cashier as I buy them, checking the time. It was just coming up for 2, so I decide to look for a housewarming present before heading home. I gently place the bottle of prosecco down on my table next to the collection of small plants, one for each of them, in pots that are designed to look like them. I laughed when I saw them, knowing I had to buy that for them. I check the time, seeing that its already 3:30, so I decide to do some excercise. I don't have access to a gym anymore which is annoying, but instead I've taken to doing yoga, it giving a much better workout than you would've imagined. After an hour and a half of yoga and some basic workouts that don't require equipment, I decide to get a shower. After stepping out of the lukewarm spray, I slip into some clean PJ's, sitting down at my table and pulling out my sketchpad. I fill 2 pages with sketches of my favorite galaxies, nebulas and planets, their vibrant colors jumping out of the page. When the time hits 6, I decide to get changed so I can ensure I'll get there in time. I slip the dress on, grinning to myself because I remembered to shave my legs, which for me, is a success. I play with my hair until the ringlets fall over my face, the strands now tickling my jaw. I apply some makeup to my eyes, trying to conceal the large bags that now live there permanently, before applying some black and blue eyeshadow, and some bright blue lip tint. I smile into the mirror, gently slipping on my shoes and throwing my leather jacket over my shoulders, slipping my arms through the sleeves and doing it up. I shove my phone in my pocket, grabbing the present bag with the Prosecco and the plants in it before making my way out of my apartment.

Half an our later, I reach the new Avengers building. The tall white building has a huge glass side, which still manages to conceal what hides inside. A giant A sits on the front of the building, lights lighting it up. I walk up the light grey path to the glass door, checking the time. "Shit.." I mumble under my breath as I see the time to be 7:48. I ring the doorbell, JARVIS's smooth voice blaring out. "hello, Miss Moore. welcome to the Avengers tower." he greets me, the door opening in front of me, "oo, nice J." I say, smiling. I step inside, soft music meeting my ears. my hands begin to shake slightly as I make my way upstairs, the walk seeming to take too much time and too little time at the same time. I sigh before turning the last corner, the sight making me smile.


	16. housewarming

I walk the last few steps ignoring the ache in my ankles following the walk from my place. "Ryder!" Tony shouts, pulling me in for a hug. His suit is a dark blue with a red tie, his hair neat on the top of his head. He releases me after a second and I hold the bag out to him. "happy new home! theres a little something for each of you in there." I tell him as he places it down on the new black countertop. Everyone greets me, and I feel myself slip back into my routine with these people. Steve slowly walks up to me, hugging me and kissing my cheek. you look gorgeous, as always, may I take your jacket?" he says, with a grin. I let out a small laugh, letting him pull my jacket off of my shoulders. Nat guides me towards the new bright red sofa, sitting me down before offering to get me a drink. "Нет, спасибо, ты не можешь дать мне напиток, который я хотел бы (no thanks, you can't get me the drink I would like.)" I say with a laugh, enjoying the opportunity to use my Russian. Ignoring my comment, she sits down next to me. 

"thank you so much for my gun, I can't wait for a chance to use it!" she tells me, grinning. "ah, it was no problem. I had the design for a fingerprint activated gun in my head for a while, it was just setting out the design." I tell her, crossing my legs. "how did you get my fingerprint, anyway?" she asks, confusion on her face. I laugh self consciously. "While you slept." I admit, laughing. "You came into my room while I slept and I didn't wake up?" she asks, raising her eyebrows as I nod. The rest join us quickly, everyone thanking me indervidually for their new gear, Tony going on about how he was so shocked I had managed to recreate a panel of his suit so accurately. 

"so are you excited for christmas?" Tony asks, gesturing to all the decorations he already has up. "You do know its only the 1st, right? theres still literally 25 days until christmas." I say with a laugh. "well I'm hosting a party on christmas eve, and you're coming." he tells me, smiling. I laugh, returning his smile. People slowly start arriving, the Avengers quickly becoming occupied. I recognize a few people from my work at SHIELD and from seeing them on TV, but most of the people are complete strangers. the introvert inside me quickly appears, leaving me sat at a bar stool, silently sulking that Tony still won't let me drink. I nurse my lemonade quietly, beginning to wonder whether I should just go. It's not like I'm adding to the mood of this place, anyway. I take another sip of my lemonade, as a man, maybe late 20's, slides into the seat beside me. I vaguely recognize him as an interviewer, smiling kindly at him. 

"Hi, I'm Alan." he greets himself, holding his hand out towards me. "Ryder." I tell him. I don't know why but I've started picking and choosing who calls me what. It's like when I'm with the Avengers I'm confident, sociable Ryder, yet when I'm with Jane or Loki, I'm Charlotte, the quiet girl with the brain. "So, what's a pretty girl like you doing alone, at a party?" He asks, me having to hold back a laugh at the cheesy line. "well, my friends are a bit busy." I tell him, nodding towards the Avengers who are currently surrounded by people, still sat on the huge sofa. "well, they don't deserve you if they don't spend time with you. How's about I new your new.. friend?" he asks, hesitating at the word friend and throwing me a wink. ah, so thats what is happening here then. His breath stinks of alcohol as he leans closer to me, smiling a sloppy grin. "More like they don't deserve me. I have a habit of, uh, destroying friendships." I say with a smile, taking a sip of my lemonade. "maybe the friend part is the problem then. maybe you don't need a friend, you need something quick and intimate." he tells me, not even trying to be subtle anymore.

"perhaps." I mutter, trying to be as polite as possible. I tend to just shut down in situations where men are so openly looking for a hookup, me not having had any good experiences with it. "one peach schnapps and lemonade, please. and another lemonade for the girl." Nat says, sitting down on the opposite side of the man. "why, hello there. I'm Alan." Alan introduces himself, completely forgetting about me. "Пьяный мудак? (drunk asshole?)" Nat asks, completely ignoring the man. "просто ищу легкого секса. (just looking for a hookup.)" I tell her with a thankful smile, the man getting up and leaving when he realizes that he has no shot with Black Widow. She slides into the seat next to me, the barman bringing us our drinks. Nat quickly switches the glasses, smiling at me. "I think you need it, after that." she says with a laugh. "ah, I'm used to it. I live in apartment block full of sleazebags." I tell her with a laugh. she smiles lightly, worry in her eyes.

I take a sip of the drink, enjoying the slight burn of the alcohol, and sending Nat a big grin. "this place looks really good, I will have to congratulate Tony on it, If I, y'know, get a chance to get anywhere near him." I say, laughing at him. he is sitting on the sofa, about 10 girls, all in dresses that are too tight and too short, climbing over him, a giant grin on his face. "the man might be a genius, but he's a real idiot." Nat says, laughing at the sight. Bruce quickly joins us, also looking a little lost in the crowd. the three of us sit and chat for about an hour, watching Tony being smothered in girls and loving it, Steve talking to different people, moving professionally around the room, and Clint sitting on a high windowsill, watching, much like us, a smile on his face. 

I reach the end of my drink, and I sit and watch as a girl manages to corner Steve. I point it out to Nat and Bruce as the girl gets closer and closer, Steve's face looking flustered and awkward. he catches my gaze, sending me a panicked look before getting back to the problem at hand. "I better go and rescue him. see you later." I say with a laugh, hopping off my stool. I strut over to him, a plan in my head. I wrap my arm around his shoulders, planting a kiss on his cheek and whispering "go with it." into his ear. "hey babe! I've been missing you! dance with me?" I say in an overly hyper voice, my body flush against him and my hand on his chest. "of course, my darling. It was nice speaking to you." he says to the girl, taking my hand and leading me to the center of the room. he pulls me in for a hug, us swaying to the slow song currently playing through the speakers. "thanks for saving me." he says with a laugh. "it was my pleasure. the look on her face was priceless, she was so mad!" I laugh into his shoulder. "I was a little worried that I was dragging you away from the opportunity to dance with her, she was very pretty, but you did look absolutely terrorized." I laugh, remembering the look on his face. iconic. "no I'm glad you did, because now I get to dance with the prettiest girl here." He mumbles quietly, twirling me around as a blush creeps over my cheeks. A little lost for words, I hold him close, enjoying the warmth radiating from his body. 

the song changes pace and he leads me over to the sofa. "Do you want a drink?" he asks, smiling softly. "yes please, a lemonade would be great." I tell him, watching as he disappears into the crowd. I stay where he left me, watching people all around me having a great time. Time passed slowly and I quickly became curious about what was taking Steve so long. I brushed it off as being a long queue, when my phone buzzes. I pick it up, it being a video chat from Natasha. I quickly answer. "hey Nat, whats up?" I ask, smiling into the camera. "hi Ryder, you may need to come and rescue Steve again." she tells me, turning the camera around to show Steve, pinned against the bar, a brunette stood in front of him, her hands on his chest. His face has the same surprised and scared look, causing me to laugh. "I'm on my way." I say, slipping through the crowd. I find Natasha, still sat next to Bruce but Clint now occupying the seat I was in. "hi guys. where is he?" I ask, smiling. Natasha points along the bar, laughing at the sight. "you may want to move fast, she did just grab his crotch." Bruce tells me, laughing. "wow, that very.... forward." I say, cringing as she kisses his cheek. I make my way towards him, catching his eye before the girl sees me. this time, I signal to him, asking of he wants help. he nods vigorously, and I strut up to him. 

I gasp loudly, turning the girl around. I smile lightly to myself, thinking about the scene I'm about to cause. "Get away from my boyfriend!" I shout in a bitchy voice. "well he wasn't exactly stopping me!" she shouts back, slapping me across the face, causing me to grin. I grab the lemonade that Steve had gotten me, and slowly pour it over the top of her head, the room going silent. She screams, stomping her foot before Storming out. I double over in laughter, turning to see Clint, Bruce and Natasha in exactly the same state. Steve is laughing, still slightly shocked at the situation. I feel a hand on my shoulder and turn to see Tony, absolutely wetting himself. "I don't know what as more funny - watching Cap's face while that girl was on him or what you just did." he tells me, laughing. "I've always wanted to do that, and she was getting on my nerves." I say with a shrug, grinning like mad. Tony high fives me, before slipping back into the crowd. Mine and Steve's phones ping at the same time, both of us instantly pulling them out to see a video link from Natasha. She'd managed to catch the whole thing on camera. we laugh as we rewatch the situation, us laughing at Steve's face. the barman silently slides another lemonade towards me, smiling. I thank him, taking a sip, only to find it had peach schnapps in it. I glance at Nat, who winks and grins at me. I send her a smile, grabbing Steve's hand and sitting down. He puts his arm over my shoulder, giving me a one armed hug.

"you really need to get better at fighting off girls, as fun as it is I won't always be here to pretend to be your girlfriend." I say with a laugh. We both quickly drink our drinks, both of us thirsty after all that laughing. within half an hour we're back on the dance floor, my brain slightly misty from the drinks. we dance, chatting and laughing the whole time as I feel myself becoming more confident. I don't know if it's the music, the dancing, the alcohol or the company, but our conversation quickly becomes flirtatious, each touch electric. "you want another drink?" I ask as the music drifts back into a slower song. "aww but that involves letting go of you." Steve whispers, pulling my body against his. "yeah, you're right. we can't be having that!" I say, laughing. "no we cannot." he replies, us lightly swaying. "so any guys catching your eye tonight?" he asks after a second of silence. "yeah, but no one in my league. One guy was actually hitting on my earlier, was quite surprised." I tell him, nodding my head at Alan who is now dancing with one of the short skirt girls. "oh really?" he asks, smirking. "yeah. hitting a bit below his level, I'm quite shocked. he seems happy enough now, though." I say, grinning up at Steve. "I think you mean above. seems like he's settled for his own level now." he tells me quietly. "don't think I did mean above his level." I correct him, meeting his eyes. no way I'm losing this argument, as much of a gentleman as he is, I know my own worth.

"no, you definitely did. you're by far the prettiest girl in here." he tells me, a serious look on his face. I scoff at that comment, noticing us entering a loop, and having no intention in giving in. "mmhmm, sure, in a parallel universe, maybe." I say as he spins me around. "maybe you're the one in the parallel universe, then, because I know what I'm seeing." He whispers, his hand on my cheek. "gah, stop being such a gentleman, Mr Perfect, I'm just glad you've let me dance with you for this long!" I say in a joking manor, not joking one bit, and Steve knows it. I always have been bad with this topic, I've never been able to let people lie, saying I'm pretty, or worth their time. "I'm far from perfect. I know you're bad with complements, and I know you won't accept the truth, but believe me, Charlotte Ryder Moore, I will make you see how much you mean to me." he tells me, seeing exactly what I'm thinking, like always. I keep eye contact with him, unsure of hat to say. the eye contact hurts more and more the longer the silence drags out, but I find myself unable to look away. I didn't even notice our heads drifting towards each other, until our foreheads gently rest on each others, our eyes still locked and our bodies still swaying. "You're perfect.." he mutters, smashing his lips against mine and pulling his hands to cup my face. My hands snake up his back, coming to rest on the back of his neck. he pulls away softly after a couple seconds, the kiss being short and innocent yet holding so much emotion. we just stay like that smiling for what feels like an eternity.

Finally my thoughts return though, and I realize the extent of what just happened. I just kissed Steve fucking Rogers. Me. The girl who drinks to drown her thoughts, who can barely be bothered to drag herself out of bed each day, who's closest friend lives on another planet. I pull back sharply, Steve's eyes filled with confusion as mine reel with shock and guilt. "I- I'm so sorry, Steve, I don't know why I thought- I was an idiot and you deserve better than that." I say, rushing away from the man and grabbing my jacket. As soon as I am out of his sight I feel the sting of tears in my eyes, and end up having to sit down on the stairs because I was crying too hard to walk. I just fucked up another friendship, with Captain America, and probably the rest of the Avengers. Why am I so inept at everything?

A hand rests on my shoulder, and I look up to see Tony standing over me. "C'mere hun." He slightly slurs, sitting down next to me and pulling me in for a hug. I cry against his shoulder, my whole body shaking. "I fucked it up, Tony. I fucked it up." I mutter, looking up at him. "You didn't fuck anything up. Steve kissed you. thats all. his choice." Tony tells me, looking into my eyes. "how could it be his choice, Tony? I mean I was pulling all the moves on him, I basically forced his hand in it. there's no way he would've wanted to kiss a girl like me anyway, I watched all night as he pushed away girls 10x more beautiful than me." I tell him, knowing I should just leave. why am I letting myself ruin another man's night? "well you need to show me these girls, because I didn't see any that fitted that description. There's been something between you two since you first met, we all saw it. don't push him out, okay? go home, sleep, think. then come back tomorrow. you don't have to talk to Steve, but talk to me, or Nat, or even just JARVIS. we're still going to be here for you, kid." he tells me, helping me to my feet. 

"okay, thanks Tony. I'll see you around." I say, turning and beginning to walk, but stumbling, feeling dizzy from the crying. "C'mon, I'll drive you." He tells me, taking my hand. "you're too drunk to drive, I'm fine." I tell him, looking down. "then JARVIS will drive us. C'mon." he leads me to one of his fancy cars, helping me in and setting the location, JARVIS driving the car. Tony's phone begins to ring, and he answers it, a video coming up on the dashboard. Nat's face pops up on screen. "hey, T, where are you? people are starting to leave." she tells him, glancing around. "Just taking Ryder home. I'll be back soon." He tells her, smiling at me. "ok, no rush. how are you feeling, Ryder? I saw you run out." she asks me, concern in her eyes. "I'm fine, but you should probably be asking Steve that." I tell her, not offering any more information. I hear her sigh quietly, looking at someone beyond the camera. "we'll talk when I get home, I'm just pulling up now." Tony tells her, hanging up the call. "thanks for the ride, Tony. Sorry I made a scene in your party, I had a really good time." I say leaning over to give him a quick hug before getting out of the car. I hear a door slam behind me, and turn to see Tony following me. "well I may as well make sure you get up there okay." he says, me too tired to fight him on it. He sighs, his fists balling up as we walk past drunk old men with young girls throughout the building. we finally make it to my apartment, me opening the door. "want a drink?" I ask as he follows me in. "no thanks." he tells me, continuing to look around the room. I pull on some PJ's wiping off my makeup. "I'd better be off, see you soon, R." he tells me, hugging me again.


	17. the reminants

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kind of sad but a cute ending

**TONY**

By the time I'd gotten back that night, most people were already in bed, so I followed quickly, finding it hard to rest, knowing Ryder was in that apartment, all by herself. The next morning, I roll out of bed, trudging to the kitchen and pouring myself a coffee. "hello." I greet everyone, everyone else already up. "Tony. what happened last night? I saw Steve and Ryder's kiss, watched them flirting all evening, then all of a sudden she was gone?" Natasha asks. I look over at Steve, who looks dreadful. he has no color in his face, he clearly hadn't slept. poor guy. "She was confused. she has never thought very highly of herself, but I think theres something deeper there. She instantly shut down, she was in floods of tears, not even able to walk. She was mumbling all this stuff about ruining the evening, and how she'd ruined another friendship." I explain, Steve looking up sadly at that. "I told her to come back today, but knowing her, she won't. her apartment was a mess, it was worse than I remembered it. The place was tiny, everything was broken, even the window, there were these middle aged guys everywhere, acting all suspicious, all with young girls trailing behind them. I don't feel she's safe there." I admit, worry on my face. I go and sit down next to Steve, wrapping my arm softly around his shoulders and pulling the younger man in for a quick hug. ever since he came out of the ice Steve's been a hugger, always needing physical comfort to calm him down. he's converted us all too, it being our natural way of interacting now. "you okay?" I ask him quietly, letting go of the hug. "just worried about her. can we get her out of there?" He asks, looking broken. "I honestly don't know." I mutter, worried about her too. 

**RYDER**

It is now the 15th of December, exactly 2 weeks and one day since the party. If you thought I was a mess before, I'm hardly recognizable now. every day, someone asks if I'm in so they can visit, every day I say no. They can't see me like this - a mess because of some boy. before when I was sad, I'd drown myself in my work, but now I'm just sitting, doing nothing all day. at about 3 in the afternoon, however, that changed. A message pings ups on my phone, JARVIS in big block letters across the top. I open the message, reading it in my head.

_ASSEMBLY ALERT: battle on 1st Street, New York. report talks of Aliens, armed with crossbows._

I jump into action without a second of thought, pulling on the outfit that Loki had helped me put together. I quickly cover up the blue, throwing my jacket on and covering my face before taking off. I arrive just a little after the Avengers, them still working out a plan of attack. I lean against a tree a bit away from them, watching the aliens. their voices stop and I look up to see all the Avengers staring at me. I look up through my newly straightened hair, waving quickly at them before crossing my arms. they suddenly jump into action, Steve walking up to me. "Hi, I thought you'd appreciate being filled in. The plan is to reduce the damage and protect civilians, this one won't be as hard as killer robots but don't let your guard down. ready?" he asks, smiling at me. "yep. lead the way." I say, uncrossing my arms. we both run into the battle, everyone nodding at me before launching in to fight. halfway through the battle, I overhear a conversation between Steve and Natasha. "you got any clue who she is?" Nat asks quietly. "no, I think I recognize her. something about the way she holds herself..." Steve mumbles. "yeah. We'll find out soon enough." She replies, returning to the fight. I flip over the car, kicking an alien that was about to shoot Steve. "Not if I can help it, Nat!" I shout as I run past them, winking. my step falters as I realize I had used her name, the idiot I am. I had gotten too into the fight, forgetting my cover. "Fuck." I mutter, turning to see Nat's confused gaze. 

I launch back into the fight, noticing myself being less careful than usual, and not giving a single fuck. I grin, stealing a crossbow and shooting an alien. I look up, trying to see where I am needed. I turn, watching in slow motion as an arrow flies gracefully through the air, burrowing itself deep in Steve's shoulder. "NO!" I shout, running as fast as I can towards him as his legs buckle. I punch aliens as I go, trying to get to Steve as fast as possible. "you hold them off, I'll help him. I know first aid." I shout at Nat, still running at Steve. I grab him and his shield, pulling him into a building and out of sight. I look around for something to use for compression, coming up short. I flip him over, using my jacket as a pillow for his head, before ripping off my bandana and wrapping it round the arrow, pressing down firmly but making sure not to bury the arrow any further in. Luckily, it didn't go all the way through. I check his pulse, it still strong. "okay.. just stay with me, They'll get you out of here soon." I assure him. "Thanks for helping me. whats your name?" he asks quietly. "I- I've got to go." I tell him as soon as I spot Tony slying towards me. I run off, shielding my face as I go, looking up to see all the aliens taken care of. I sigh, slowing my pace to a walk. I stop by a shop on my way back to buy an new jacket and bandana, suddenly realizing my phone and wallet were in my jacket. "oh fucking hell." I complain, turning around to walk back. I slip into a building, staying in the shadows. Steve is still laying there, the others now lifting him off the ground. A moment later, Tony returns, picking up my jacket and dusting it off, before making his way back to the jet.

"Fuck you, Tony Stark, why do you have to be such a good person?" I moan, watching the jet fly away.

**NATASHA**

Tony had managed to get the girls jacket after the battle, hoping to be able to somehow return it. this is how I ended up with a strangers jacket on my chair. we all decided pretty quickly that we'd just get it back to her the at the next fight, all of us more concerned about Steve. he was doing well, the girls quick action having saved his life. he could have easily bled out or been shot again. he spends a lot of time grumbling about the fact that his arm is in a sling and that he can't use it, but at least he as superhuman healing so it'll be gone soon. we are all trying to stay positive, but we're all finding it hard. The place is kitted out for christmas, lights hanging off every surface of our new home. 

Its now the 23rd of December, the day before the party. Steve's arm is now out of the sling, but its still wrapped up and he has to be careful with it. Tony has us all on decoration duty, him sorting out the food and drinks. JARVIS is sending out invites while blasting christmas songs, all of us singing along at the top of our voices. "Sir, I have a question about the invites." JARVIS pipes up, the music turning down. "Shoot, J." Tony says, still dancing around. "Miss Moore, am I still sending her invitation?" he asks, everyone's faces falling slightly. "uh- yeah you may as well, no harm in asking." he says sadly, before turning back to his preparations. I escape to my room, laying down on my bed and glancing at the jacket. I look away, before snapping my head back to it when I hear it buzz. "YES!" I shout running out to find Tony. 

"TONY! the girl had stuff in her pockets!" I tell him, placing the jacket on the table. all of us crowd around as he pulls out a wallet and one of his phones. "wait.. these are prototypes, not on the market yet." he says, holding up the phone, confused. he turns the phone over, gasping and instantly dropping it. "oh. oh _fuck_." he says, turning it on. The screen lights up, but we can't see what he's looking at, but tears spring into his eyes. "oh no.. Miss Moore, Mr Stark invites you to his christmas party tomorrow night, starting at 8:00." He reads out, imitating JARVIS's voice.

"oh my god..." Clint exclaims, putting 2 and 2 together. "I knew I recognized her. this makes so much sense now!" Steve groans, putting his hand to his forehead. "I'll go round there." Tony tells us, grabbing the phone and wallet along with the jacket. 

**RYDER**

I'm not doing well without my money. I haven't been able to buy food, not like I buy much of that, anyways. the main thing is that I'm being kicked out of my apartment at the end of this month, due to the fact that I can't pay my bills. I stare at the bundle of presents in the corner - something I bought for everyone before the battle, yet I can't bring myself to sell, even though I won't see them, maybe ever. I sigh, placing my hand on my forehead. It'll be fine. I'll figure something out.

There's a sharp knock at my door and I quickly stand up, making my way over. my hand hovers over my fake gun as I open the door, gasping as I see Tony. "here." he says, holding out my jacket, phone and wallet, his face dark. "ah.." I say grabbing the stuff. "um. thank you. do you- uh- want to come in?" I ask, holding the door open and shutting it after him. "what the hell were you thinking? you're 19!" he shouts, turning to face me. "I can fight, and its the only time I get to see you!" I shout back, putting a hand to my forehead. I ran out of headache tablets 2 days ago, so now my head is just continuously pounding. "whos fault is that? you were always welcome to come by the tower!" he shouts, frustrated. "Was I? after what I did? isn't it just easier for everyone if I stay away?" I ask him, staring at him. "also, can you keep your voice down? pounding headache and I have no tablets or alcohol." I complain. "why didn't you buy more tablets?" he asks, and I just hold up my wallet. 

"anyway, no. this is not better, for anyone. pack a bag, you're not staying here, we'll talk this through later." he tells me, sitting down at the table. "okay, lemme go pay my rent real quick." I say, but his arm just catches mine. "what if you don't?" he asks, looking up at me. "I get kicked out." I tell him, ripping my arm free. "No, what if you come and live with me? this isn't working, we all miss you. He misses you. come back." he tells me, standing up. "are you sure?" I whisper, unable to process what he is saying. "as sure as a sunflower." he says with a straight face, and I can't help but laugh. I pack up all my stuff quickly, him helping me carry everyone's presents down to the car. within 10 minutes, we're all packed and ready to go. we sing along to christmas songs in the car, me still unable to work out how we got from him being mad at me to christmas songs and 'come live with me'. We pull up outside the building, me still in awe at the sight. "I will never get over this place, Tony. You truly outdid yourself." I tell him, smiling. His face breaks out into a grin as he helps me out of the car.

we grab what we can, making our way upstairs. when we get there, however, everyone is in their own rooms. Tony places his finger to his lips, before leading me back downstairs to grab the rest of my things. Soon, all my presents are under the tree and my things are set up in the spacious spare room. he grabs my hand again, us silently making our way out to the living room. he sits me down in on the sofa, hugging me when he notices how much I'm shaking. "hey, it's okay. they're not mad, just worried." he assures me, before walking back over to the kitchen. "J, call everyone down here for a chat." he says, smiling at me. people slowly file in, everyone clearly agitated. "how was she?" Nat asks, looking at Tony. "A mess. a few days away from being kicked out of her apartment!" he tells them, doing a good job of not looking at me and also not not looking at me. 

"is she coming to the party?" Clint asks. "I don't know. she said she'll think about it, but she's still convinced she's ruined our friendships, especially her one with Steve." he tells them, nodding at Steve who begins to pace, his head in his hands. it makes my heart ache at the sight, Tony catching my eye when he watches my face fall. "god, why can't she see that thats not bloody possible! now shes out there - what - risking her life to spend time with us? this is so fucking twisted." he shouts, clearly on the verge of tears. my eyes follow his every movement from my dark corner, feeling like I am imposing, so I send Tony a quick message asking if I should leave them to it. he decides to end the charade, answering the text out loud. "No, you're fine. You needed to hear that anyways, to hear how we all feel." he tells me, the shakes returning as 4 more sets of eyes land on me.

"HOLY SHI- jesus fuck she scared the living daylights out of me!" Clint shouts, but my eyes stay on Steve, and his on me. suddenly Natasha is in front of me, grabbing my hand. "whoa, you're shaking like a leaf. calm down. we missed you." she tells me pulling me into a hug, tears start flowing instantly, and so does the blubbering. "I'm sorry, this is just a lot to take in. this morning I was in my apartment, wondering how I was going to get more money to keep my house, feeling like I had no one on my side, and now I've found out you lot are still here, still rooting for me, oh and you now know that I was secretly helping you with the fights and god knows how you lot were going to react to that one..." I continue, my voice fading out as my breathing increases, my lungs burning. "hey. Ryder. calm down." Natasha demands, panic on her face. "Nat I- can't breathe." I whisper, gasping for air.

Suddenly I'm on the sofa, a new pair of arms on my shoulders, Steve's face in front of mine. "hey hey hey hey hey, you're okay. Come here, listen to this and copy it, okay?" he says, pulling my ear to his chest. I hear the whoosh of air and try to copy it, before panicking even more. "NONONO I can't, I'll die!" I shout, Steve's hands stroking my back. "Its fine, you won't. Do you trust me?" he asks, Me instantly nodding and pacing my breathing with his. I was sure I was dying, but I stuck with Steve's breathing, in and out, until I wasn't dying, I was _breathing_. I let out a shaky laugh, squeezing my eyes shut for a moment. "better?" he asks gently, I simply nod against his chest. he then swivels around so he's sitting next to me, pulling his arm over my shoulder and pressing a kiss to the top of my head. I let my eyes remain shut, leaning into the kiss before snapping my eyes open, my muscles freezing as my eyes meet Tony's. I move away from Steve, glancing back at his hurt expression. "sorry I- I'm sorry." I say, leaning my elbows on my knees and my head in my hands. I feel his hand rubbing circles against my back.

"is this okay?" he asks, knowing exactly what I need, once again. "yeah. I'm sorry, just thought too much." I tell him, glancing up and smiling at him. I look around to see that everyone has retreated back to their rooms, Steve and I deciding to follow suit. I slip under the soft covers, sighing softly. I haven't slept since the party, and even though this bed is so soft, I know theres no chance of sleep tonight either. I lay in bed for an hour, before giving up and sitting upright. Theres a quiet knock at my door, followed by Steve poking his head around my door. "couldn't sleep either?" he asks, stepping into my room. I shake my head. "Not since the kiss." I tell him, giving him a grim smile. He silently sits next to me, pulling me in for a hug. "you okay if I stay, and we both try to get some sleep?" he asks me, looking into my eyes. "that sounds nice." I tell him, us both snuggling under the covers.

"Steve?" I ask, him opening his eyes to look at me. "where do we go from here?" I ask, wanting to do everything in my power to save this. "How about we just don't think, and take things as they come?" he suggests, holding me close to his bare chest. "I like the sound of that." I tell him, smiling. I carefully lean up, placing my lips over his as they move perfectly in sinc. I smile into the kiss, pulling away and snuggling into his chest. "night Steve." I mumble, happier than I've been in a long time. "Night Ryder." he replies, kissing the top of my head. with that I fall into a deep sleep, sleeping better than I have in a very long time.


	18. the christmas party

I'm the luckiest girl alive.

That is my first thought as I wake up, my hand and head on Steve Rogers's bare chest, his light snores echoing around the room, a light smile on his face, his blond hair tousled. His snores fade away as he stirs, his arm tightening around me. "mmm. Morning.." he mumbles, his voice lowered with sleep. He presses a featherlight kiss to my forehead as I roll off him, laying facing him instead so he can move. "mmmM!" he moans, his arms following me, his eyes still not open. I let out a laugh at the sight, his eyebrows furrowed. "come on, we should probably get up. we slept in until 10!" I say, jumping as I look at the time. We both roll out of bed, holding hands as we make our way into the communal floor.

"Morning sleepy heads!" Tony greets us, smiling. "oh good, I have something to show you Ryder!" Natasha announces, pulling me away from Steve and placing her phone on the table. she shows me a whole playlist of photos and videos of Steve and I. the first being one of us snuggled up on the sofa, the next Steve asleep on my shoulder, the next is a recording from outside my room from when I had to change passed out Steve out of his uniform. I feel Steve's arms snake around my shoulders as he leans in to watch. we all laugh as my surprised voice rings out with "oh wow, you don't wear any boxers under your suit!", me sounding very flustered. I blush heavily, Steve shaking with laughter behind me. the next is from our first mission together, I'm crouched down, my gun outstretched and my eyes wide, as I shoot a robot sneaking up behind Steve, the bullet caught tearing its way through the robot, Steve turned in shock. there are countless photos and videos of Steve and I dancing together at the party, followed by lots of photos and videos of a very flustered Steve, being cornered by girls. we all laugh at one, Nat had managed to catch the girl mid crotch grab. the next is the video of the scene I caused, my hips swaying sassily as I walk towards the girl, the slap, the drink. We all laugh again, just as hard as we did on the night. that is followed by more of us dancing, then, a video I didn't know existed. one of the kiss. We all watch in amazement as we lean our foreheads together, eyes locked and lips slowly moving forming quick words. the kiss is short yet beautiful, captured before I'm seen running from Steve, my hand wiping my cheek and Steve standing there, looking confused and hurt. the last photo is one of us, clearly taken this morning, both fast asleep, loosely hugging each other.

the screen goes black as I turn to smile at Steve, before pulling Nat in for a hug and thanking her. I pour myself and Tony coffees, boiling the kettle for Steve, before leaning against the side. I carefully sip my coffee, the hot liquid melting my body. I throw on a pair of leggings and a hoodie, quickly making my way back downstairs to help Tony with the decorations. He has Steve and I finishing off the tree, adding extra baubles. "ow- fucking hell!" Steve shouts, a glass bauble shattering against the floor as he clutches at his arm. "oh my god, Steve, you ripped your stitches!" I say, standing up. "ah- yeah I noticed." he sasses back, a grimace on his face. I let out a light laugh, directing him towards Bruce's room. "Bruce! Steve tore his stiches!" I shout through the door, it opening immediately. Bruce cleans his hands, applying gloves and getting his equipment set up as I help Steve out of his now blood soaked top. I help Bruce lay him down on the bed, sitting on the other side and gripping his hand. "This is going to hurt, I need to clean it." Bruce warns him, soaking a piece of cotton wool in a brown liquid, which he proceeds to press to the half healed wound. "owww" Steve moans, gripping my hand hard. "ok, now relax your shoulder." Bruce instructs him, pulling the needle out. Steve does as he says as I rub soothing circles on his hand. "aand we're done." Bruce announces after a few minutes, pulling his gloves off and applying new dressing. "please, don't reach things that are high up, you idiot." Bruce says, punching Steve's arm lightly.

Half an hour later, I'm in a dress rental shop with Natasha, both of us looking for dresses for tonight. "I like this one but that _neckline_ \- that just isn't - Oh! try this on!" he says, shoving a bundle of fabric into my arms. We continue like this for an hour, me watching Nat in shock as she whizzes around the dress shop, something I'd never thought I'd watch a trained Assassin do. We both end up in the changing rooms, trying on dresses and laughing when they look ridiculous, which is most of the time. I end up buying a dark red dress in a heavy material, the short sleeves off the shoulder, the material tight over my chest before flaring out at my waist, tickling my thighs. There is a subtle black glitter to the bottom of the dress which catches the light as I watch myself in the mirror. Nat ends up with a classic black dress, the material clinging tight to her skin, a subtle snowflake design over the top. 

We get back, both of us saying goodbye as we walk into our own rooms. "J, how long do I have?" I ask, looking at my old leather jacket. "you have 4 hours until guests arrive." he tells me, a smile on my face. I end up back down near the dress shop, this time in a costume shop, in the 'pick and mix' section. I grab a new makeup set, picking up a studded belt and adding it to my basket. I also grab a new bandana, along with a new pair of boots, with buckles all over them, to replace my old tattered ones. I manage to make it back to the tower having only spent just over half an hour out, placing my new equipment into my wardrobe and sitting down on my bed.

There's a soft knock on my door after a second, my eyes snapping to the off white door. "It's open!" I say, watching as Clint let's himself in, sitting down on the end of my bed. "hiya kid, I'm bored and no one wants to fight me." he moans, falling face first onto my bed. I let out a laugh, patting his head. "I'm up to beat you up, birdie!" I say, grinning. "I promise to go easy on you!" I tease, winking. "yeah, you wish! I train with Natasha!" he says, standing up. "mmhmm and I trained with a demigod." I reply, raising an eyebrow. he waits outside as I pull on a pair of leggings, a sports bra and a loose top, before quickly grabbing him. "wow, that was fast." he mumbles as I leave my room. I just smile, him leading the way down to the gym area.

We both do some warmup stretches, before making our way onto the mats. Clint gets into a defensive position, but I decide to play some games, like Loki would, and stand there, arms at my side, my weight rested on one leg. Clint throws a punch at me which I easily dodge, grabbing his arm and using my leg to knock his feet from below him, sending him towards the ground. I laugh loudly, watching his flustered face. "what was that - 3 seconds?" I say, still laughing. Suddenly my legs are taken out from below me too, Clint suddenly on top of me. He throws a few munches towards my face, his eyes suddenly full of determination. I dodge the punches, kneeing him in the back and quickly squirming out from underneath him, and kneeling up. I stand up, letting him get up before beckoning him towards me. "You can do better than that, _Hawkeye._ you won't hurt me." I say with a smirk, slightly aware of an audience. I glance sideways to see all the Avengers watching, Nat grinning, Bruce watching with interest, Tony leaning against the wall and Steve looking slightly worried. 

"Stage fright?" Clint asks as his fist whizzes past my cheek as I turn, dodging it. "Nope. Just glad that there'll video proof of this!" I saw with a grin, nodding towards Nat who is suddenly holding a camera. I kick him in the shin, jumping at him, my forearm pinning his neck down and my legs crossed over his. he punches at my side, causing me to gasp for air as he tries to move away, but I just send an elbow into his shoulder, sitting back on his legs and grinning at him. He jumps back into action, us both suddenly on our feet, spinning around the room with lightening fast kicks and punches flying between us, no one making any contact. Clint manages to land a punch on my chest, knocking me to one knee, which I use to quickly slip between his legs, jumping on his back and wrapping my arms around his neck, as if I were going to break it. "I don't particularly want to kill Hawkeye - that much - but giving that I could very easily snap your neck right now, how about we say I've won?" I say, grinning. "That sounds fair." Nat adds in, everyone agreeing. "aw- fine." Clint grumbles, me loosening my grip on his neck and jumping off his back, grinning. 

"where did you learn to fight like that, by the way?" Tony asks as he high fives me. "Loki and co. in Asgard. those lot really know how to fight!" I say, remembering the amount of times I get beaten up by Asgardian warriors. I slip away, hopping in the shower when I notice that in an hour people will be arriving. I shower slowly, enjoying the calming water pattering against my back. I eventually step out of the stream of water, drying off before slipping into my dress and putting my heels on. I do a thin band of eyeliner around my eyes, putting some shimmery silver eyeshadow over the top and making it blend into a black shimmer. I paint my lips bright red, doing a simple plait along my hairline and sitting down on my bed. "Miss Moore, It seems that Mr Rogers is having some trouble getting his shirt on." JARVIS Informs me, a laugh breaking out of my lips. "Thanks, J, I'll sort him out." I say, walking into his room. 

I grab his shirt wordlessly, directing his arms through the correct holes and buttoning it up, before tying his tie around his neck and slipping on his jacket. "thanks, Ryder, I couldn't move my shoulder enough to do that." he says, blushing. "ah, anytime. I owe you it anyway after the amount of times you had to help me after my ankle." I say, laughing as I remember that time. "you look very pretty." he tells me, grabbing my hand. "you look pretty good too, but I do think that's all down to my excellent skill in tying ties." I say, smiling. Steve laughs, smiling down at me as we walk into the main room. "PEOPLE ARE ARRIVING GUYS!" Tony shouts, clearly a little stressed. I sit down at the bar, having a quick conversation with JARVIS, who is currently controlling an iron man suit and tending the bar. I smile at the sight, Tony having put a santa hat on the metal suit. 

The room slowly fills up, the Avengers quickly becoming surrounded by prying eyes. "M'lady, may I have this dance?" Tony asks, bowing in front of me with a smirk. "I thought you'd never ask!" I say in a high pitched voice, taking his hand and letting him lead me to the center of the room where mass of people are dancing along to the fast paced christmas song currently playing. "can I get you a drink?" Tony asks as the song draws to a close, a smirk setting on my face at the question. "Rum and Coke?" I ask, smiling innocently. I watch as he weaves through people, heading for JARVIS. He return a few minutes later, handing me a glass and both of us sitting down on the sofa. I take a sip of my drink, rolling my eyes when its just coke. "what? you're underage!" Tony says with a grin. We end up chatting for a few minutes, until Tony is approached by a few girls, wanting to drink. He quickly accepts, saying goodbye to me quickly before leading the girls away. I roll my eyes as the playboy, my eyes raking the room for the other Avengers. Nat and Clint are dancing together, laughing hard at something, Steve is surrounded by girls and reporters, listening as he talks, and Bruce is surrounded by a few people from the lab, all of them leant over a table, discussing something. I sigh, sipping at my drink as I watch the party unfolding. I glance back over at Steve, only to see him now alone, apparently watching the party like me, when he notices a girl walking towards him. I laugh, deciding to save him from that and have a little fun.

I walk towards him, knowing the routine that I've watched countless girls pull on both him and Tony like the back of my hand. I place a hand on his shoulder, holding my other out in front of me. "Hi cutie, I'm Charlotte!" I say in an overly cheery voice, grinning as he shakes my hand. "Steve." he tells me, looking a little shocked. I let out a high pitched laugh before replying "Oh, I think everyone knows that, hun. what are you doing all alone, Captain?" I ask, stepping closer to him. "apparently waiting for you." he smirks, playing along with the charade. "here I was, thinking that you were waiting for one of those other girls!" I reply, my hands on his chest. "I was always waiting for you." he whispers, dropping the charade. I let my act drop too as I smile up at him, letting him pull me in for a hug and kissing the top of my head. I let go of him, still holding tightly on to his hand as I lean against the wall next to him, both of us watching Tony dancing with the girls. "that man could have any girl if he put in the effort, yet there he is, surrounded by 14 year olds in overly short skirts." Steve observes, shaking his head at his friend. 

A man from SHIELD approaches us, shaking Steve's hand and not even sparing me a glance, so I swiftly slip off, finding Jane in the crowd. "JANE!" I shout, running up and hugging her. "Ryder! It's great to see you!" she says, letting me go. "yeah you too! how are you? where's Thor?" I ask, looking around. "I'm good, Thor's in Asgard still. He is taking on more roles there." she tells me, a loving gaze on her face as she talks about the man. "yeah, I think he's asked Loki to help." I say, missing my friend. "come, let me get you a drink and introduce you to Bruce." I say, leading her towards JARVIS. "ah, you may have to get your own drink, theres a protocol in JARVIS that stops me getting alcohol." I say, scowling at JARVIS. "that is true - it is underneath the heading of 'the baby monitor protocol' and is one of the many things that this protocol prohibits Miss Moore from doing." the AI confirms and I look at Jane. "sometimes I think I was better off in my apartment." I tell her as she laughs. 

"Bruce, this is Jane, y'know the astrophysicist I told you about." I say, introducing them. "Hi Jane, I'm Bruce." He says, shaking her hand. I smile at her, deciding to finish catching up with her later and leaving the braniacs to talk. I slip onto a bar stool, watching the room. The same man from the last party sits down next to me, frowning. "I've been around this whole room, not a girl taking any interest. It seems I have to come back to you, then." he says, sighing. "alan." I greet him, not looking at him. "so, Charlotte, what got you invited to this?" he asks, watching at me. "I live here." I say, still not looking at him. "wow, really? how did you manage that one then? they only allow Avengers to live here, and you're very clearly not a fighter. Too much fat, not enough muscle." he tells me, looking my body up and down in a way that makes me feel sick. 

"I am a scientist, they thought I was useful." I tell him, trying to get him to go away. he scoffs at that, raising his eyebrows. "yeah, that wouldn't be why, they have Bruce and Tony. Which one are you sleeping with?" he asks bluntly. I look at him, giving him a dirty look, before looking away. "ok I'm just going to assume all of them, you look like the slut type." he says, smiling. "Luckily for you, hun, I like little sluts." he places a hand on my thigh, my whole body freezing. "let me buy you a drink." he says, ordering a drink off JARVIS. he slides the drink towards me and I look down at the clear liquid, having no intention to drink anything that man gives me. "oh come on, don't be rude. A little alcohol will help you relax!" he says, squeezing my thigh. I quickly drink down the drink, the alcohol burning my throat and making me wince. "happy?" I ask, glancing at him. suddenly, there is 2 of him, their bodies morphing and moulding, never staying still. "can you stop that?" I tell him, frowning. "its okay, just relax. I'll look after you." he tells me, my mind unable to think. 

"Uh- I need to go to the toilet." I tell him, stumbling off towards the small room. I sit down on the toilet seat, my head in my hands as everything around me spins. I've been drunk before, but this is different. I barely have any control of myself, and my chest feels so restricted, I can't breathe. I hear the man knock at the door, my mind whizzing as I continue to gasp for air. I stumble out of the bathroom, needing to find Steve. I shout his name, my throat feeling thick as I place my hands on his shoulders, leaning against his chest. I found Steve.


	19. Christmas

I lean against Steve's chest, but I'm suddenly sat on the sofa, Steve next to me. His lips are on mine, his tongue tasting like alcohol. I place my hands on his chest, pushing him back lightly. "Steve.. I don't want this yet." I mutter as his hands find my boobs. "yeah you do, my slut." he tells me leaning back in. Slut. I don't like that word, but why not. My brow furrows, trying to decipher the small word. "No, Steve, I want this, but not yet..." I mutter, my head falling into his neck as my eyes slip shut. 

"Ryder?? what the hell? I thought you had a thing with Steve!" Natasha's harsh voice cuts through the white noise in my ears. "I do Nat." I say confused, reaching out for Steve again. "where did you put him... Steve?" I pat the sofa around me, my eyes being absolutely no use. "How many drinks have you had?" she asks, feeling my forehead. "Just one, the man said some alcohol will help me relax, but now I can't see, and I can't remember why I don't like being called a slut, and I can't breathe anymore, but Steve was helping." I explain, leaning on my friend. "what the fuck... I'll go and get Steve, you stay here." she tells me, hurrying off. Steve's hands are quickly back against my body and I lean away from his touch when it gets inappropriate again. "STEVE. I said I don't want to do that with you yet..." remond him, pushing his hands away. "hey, you love me right?" He asks, cupping my face. "of course I do but.. we haven't said that yet..." I remind him. "I'm captain America, you don't have to tell me for me to know." he whispers into my ear, his teeth nipping at my earlobe. 

Suddenly he's gone, and I'm cold. the sounds stop, and I'm lost. "wait.. Steve, I'm sorry! I'll do it, I'm sorry, I was being stupid, just don't leave me!" I shout, tears trailing down my face as I reach for him. I can hear shouting, then arms are around me, carrying me. "Steve... hi..." I say, patting his chest. "Hiya, you" he tells me with a laugh. "you came back, but who was shouting?" I ask, scrunching up my face. "That was Tony, Don't worry that man is gone now." he tells me, kissing the top of my head. "Steve.. I know I said I would do that for you, but please can we leave it for tomorrow? I'm so tired and I really don't want to but I will for you." I mutter, leaning heavily onto his chest. "Don't worry, you don't have to do anything. sleep, my love, I'll be here when you wake." he tells me, placing me down on a soft bed, as I fall asleep. 

I sit up slowly, beginning to open my eyes, but snapping them back shut as light assaults my eyes. "fuck..." I mutter, my hand on my forehead as it pounds unbareabley. I feel a hand on my shoulder, and someone hands me a couple of tablets and a glass of water. I swallow the tablets, gulping down the water after before the glass is taken from my hands. "Hi.. thank you. what happened?" I ask, my mind trying to piece together the blurry pictures in my mind from last night. "relax, we'll talk later, just let those tablets kick in first. How many drinks did you have last night, by the way?" Steve asks, lying me back down. "uhh- the one Tony got me and the one Alan got me. there may have been more but I don't remember.." I trail off, my ears ringing. "Its fine. thats enough for us to work with. Bruce will be in in a second to look you over and take a blood sample." he tells me, squeezing my hand as I carefully try opening my eyes again. My eyes find his, the blue orbs filled with worry. I place my hand on his cheek, rubbing my hand over it. "Don't be worried, I was with you most of the night anyway!" I remind him, managing to figure out that he was constant throughout the blurriness. "No I wasn't. you left me for 3 hours, after the SHIELD agent approached me." he tells me, referring to the blurry part of the night. "Thats the time I can hardly remember, but I can remember enough to know I was talking to you... you were kissing me, and trying to get me in here, but I didn't want that." I remember, thinking out loud. "Ryder. I don't know who that was but it certainly wasn't me. What did the man do to you?" he asks, panicking. "It's fine, we didn't do anything, He kissed me a lot, and was very demanding, but I just wanted to sleep, nothing more." I tell him, my mind muddled. 

A few hours later, I sit up again after having drifted off to sleep. I rub my eyes, sitting up and venturing out onto the communal floor. "she was drugged. Its a very common drug, a few drops in a drink and the person will suffer from confusion, short term memory loss and dizziness." I hear Bruce explain as my face wihtens. I remember things more clearly now, remembering that I couldn't breathe, I must have had 3 panic attacks last night. "Ryder! how are you feeling?" Bruce says, his hand against my forehead. "a little better, I remember all of last night now." I tell him, shivering at the memories of 'Steve', which I now know was Alan. "Ryder, who gave you the drink?" Steve asks, softly holding my hand. "Uh- drunk asshole from the new house party, his name is Alan." I say, looking at Natasha. "complete scumbag, was hitting on us at the last party." Nat confirms, nodding. Steve's arm tightens as we speak. "I'll find him." he says, his voice hard. I place my hand on his chest, calming him down. "It's fine, he's gone." I tell him, pulling him in for a hug. he relaxes slightly, but still feels tense under my arms. He isn't going to let this go easily. 

Tony hands me a cup of coffee as we all walk towards the sofa, me realizing its christmas day. "oh Tony, I'm so sorry, I've messed up christmas day!" I say, burying my head in my hands. If all the days I could ruin. "you haven't ruined anything, Its still only 11am, so presents!" he shouts, grabbing my hand and running to sit in front of the tree. I laugh, joining him on the floor and watching as he crawls under the tree, calling out names and passing out presents. We ended up spending 3 hours opening the presents then playing with them. I had gotten a fancy watch from Tony, one that measures about 5000000 things. It is also linked to JARVIS, and can alert people when I have a panic attack, which are becoming a frequent occurrence. the strap is blue, the same color as the tips of my hair. Nat had given me a gun, and had had it made with the same fingerprint technology as my old one, Tony telling me that I was only allowed to use it for defensive purposes while they were out on missions. Clint had gotten me a new set of wireless headphones, also connected to JARVIS and my watch, and a big print of my favorite galaxy, framed. Bruce had gotten me an upgrade for my telescope, and some things that you stick on and blow with a hairdryer, and they'll stain the telescope. He got me lots of Avengers designs, and some galaxies. Steve had gotten me some temporary tattoo pens, as I was saying that I wanted to get tattoos at some point, a fancy art set, including 40 colored pencils and 10 shades of grey pencils, and some books, written by my favorite physicists. 

I am now sat in between Steve's legs on the floor, showing him my watch. I still don't know everything it does, and I keep saying what I'm going to do and then pressing the wrong thing, causing us both to laugh. there's a flash of light outside, and I rush to the window to see Loki stood on the grass, in what he calls his 'casual armor'. I run outside, greeting my friend with a hug.

"Loki! oh my god! you're back?" I ask, him picking me up and spinning me in a circle, before placing me back on my feet. "sadly, not. I am only visiting, Thor is being overly bossy with when I can leave. I should be able to visit more often though - sorry its been so long!" he says, grinning from ear to ear. "come on, I have a present for you." I tell him, grabbing his hand. "hellooo..." he greets everyone as we run in, all of us freezing. I did not take the fact that the Avengers know Loki into account. "ah.. um- yeah come through to my room, I'll get your present..." I say awkwardly, quickly leading Loki to my room. "so. you're living with this lot again?" he asks, smirking. "yeah... they found out about the whole helping them out in fights thing I was doing. They were NOT happy..." I say, crawling under my bed to retrieve the box. I hand it to him, grinning as he carefully unwraps it. His face breaks out into a huge grin when he sees the ornately engraved knife I had gotten him, with green gemstones buried in the metal. "no wayyyyy..." he mumbles, grinning. "you got me a new knife!!!" he shouts, pulling me in for a bone crushing hug. "okay Mr Demigod, kinda killing the mortal." I tell him, laughing. "well, that was really my plan all along, you see." he replies with a laugh, before producing a small box and handing it to me.

I raise an eyebrow at him and he just smiles. "Do you think I just randomly chose today to visit?" He jokes. I unwrap the box, lifting the lid to reveal a silver chain with a small circle attached to it one side of the circle is made of green gemstone, the other of a blue gemstone, them meeting in the middle to form a blue-green. I gasp, holding the delicate necklace in my palm. "oh my god, Loki, this is too pretty!" I say, attaching the clasp together behind my head and letting the gem hang down over my chest. "that way, I can be with you, even when I'm busy in Asgard." he tells me, taking my hands. "aw, wouldn't have taken you for the soppy type!" I tease, pulling him in for a hug. "really, though, its perfect. thank you so much." I tell him, kissing his cheek. "you want to stay for dinner, we probably have food to feed another 10 people." I joke, pulling away from the hug. "I don't think Captain America would be too happy with that." he says, raising an eye. "well, he'll just have to deal with it, won't he. let me go and talk to them, I'll be back in a second." I tell him, leaving the room. 

I walk back downstairs, smiling nervously at the team. "hi, I'm sorry, I didn't expect him to come back, well, ever really. It's been months since I last saw him. Tony sighs, standing up. "would you like him to stay for dinner? we have spare?" he asks, smiling. "wait, really? are you sure?" I ask, glancing at everyone. "yeah, as long as he doesn't blow anything up, or kill off the whole planet, he's welcome. we don't have any reason to hate him, at the moment." Steve says, taking my hand. thats going to be fun to explain to Loki. "okay, thank you so much! I just need to go and talk to him for a minute, but We'll be out in a second!" I say, running off. 

I slip back through the door, grinning, my grin falling when I see Steve sat on my bed. I pick up a shoe, throwing it at 'Steve's' head. "very funny, Loki." I say, rolling my eyes. "what? I was bored. Was it a yes?" he asks, looking hopeful. "yep, the rules are no global destruction though." I tell him. He sighs dramatically, falling back onto my bed. "oh god, thats ruined all my plans!" he shouts. I punch him in the arm, pulling hi back up. "oh er- I need to tell you something first. Steve and I kinda have a 'thing' right now, I don't really know what it is but - just so you're aware or whatever." I say, rubbing the back of my neck. "aww, are you nervous?" he says, picking me up. "the mighty Charlotte was nervous to tell me she has a crush on Captain america!" he shouts, walking out the door, me still in his arms. "Loki you ass, they can hear you!" I tell him, punching him as he laughs. "yes, that was the idea." he tells me, grinning. 

I groan, hiding my face in my hands as I walk downstairs, entering the room to see everyone watching me, their eyebrows raised, Steve's face bright red. after a moment, they all burst out laughing. "oh shut up, you lot are as bad as Loki..." I mutter, walking over to them. Loki awkwardly lingers behind the sofa, clearly unsure of how to act. I roll my eyes, grabbing his hand and leading him to the sofa, sitting down next to him. "Well don't be awkward, my god!" I say, rolling my eyes at the man. "so, Loki, how is Thor?" Steve asks, smiling at the god and sitting down on the other side of me. "perfect as always, the man is being prepared to be king and my god is he going to be an annoying king!" he complains, smiling. everyone laughs, nodding in agreement. "yeah, I could see that to be honest." Tony agrees. Steve wraps a protective arm around my shoulders, obviously feeling a little uncomfortable about how close I am to the god. I pat his hand, smiling up at him. I turn back around, catching Loki smiling to himself out of the corner of my eye. 

"wow, this is pretty." Steve says quietly, the conversation breaking up into little groups. His fingers gently hold the pendant around my neck, admiring it. "yeah, Loki got it for me." I say, grinning proudly at my friend as he joins in in a friendly debate with Bruce about physics. "I'm glad I got to meet him." Steve tells me, pressing a kiss to my temple. I instantly know he's referring to the Loki I know, not the maniac who blows up cities. "yeah, me too." I say, smiling. 

we all eat a huge meal, everyone still chatting. Loki stops for a second, before looking at me sadly. "Ah, I'm sorry, but it looks like I'm needed elsewhere. Some enemies of Asgard have attacked, and Thor needs me to help him fight." Loki tells us, smiling sadly. everyone says goodbye, and I stand, walking Loki back outside. "It appears this is goodbye again." he tells me, laughing. "No, its not goodbye. You'll be back." I tell him sternly, before pulling him in for a hug. "come back." I repeat, a little sadder this time. "of course, as soon as possible. I'll miss you." "miss you too, Loki." I mutter, him having already gone. I sigh, walking back into the building. 

"thank for being so kind to him, I know he has done some very idiotic things in the past." I say, smiling at everyone. "yeah, a little more than idiotic, but it was nice to meet a new side of him." Bruce says, smiling at me. "yeah, I'm glad you got to see that." I reply. we spend another few hours messing around, before Tony cracks out the christmas music, telling us to all get up because we're having a dance party. we all dance around, getting tired out, Bruce and Tony randomly slow dancing around during the fast paced songs. Steve taught me a dance they used to do during the war, involving some kicks and lifts that end up completely failing, making us all end up giggling. 

the night quickly drew to a close, all of us slowly retiring back to our own rooms. I decide to go downstairs and practice my shooting, needing to let off some steam. I grab my new gun, shoving it in the waistband of my trousers before making my way down to the target area. I pop a pair of headphones on, holding the gun out in front of me and firing some practice shots. I then move on to doing some trickier poses, trying to think of situations that could occur during a fight. I eventually get tired, walking down to the lab area and opening up my notebook. "holy shit!" I mutter, quickly scribbling down my thoughts before I forget something. I just did it, I think I just solved the problem I've been having with my immune booster! I've been working on this problem for almost a decade, when I was 10 I came up with a design for a serum that boost your immune system to recover after an illness, but all the ideas I came up with would end in the subject basically catching on fire, as it also boosts adrenaline, causing the body to heat up. I grin down at the book, leaning back in my chair and admiring the new solution, it just needs to be- well- discovered. 


	20. Rydium

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok I'm sorry :) feat some more shitty emo poetry, I just can't help myself. XD

3 hours of work behind me, and all I have is a huge page filled with notes, a big circle around the word Rydium. I think I may have just discovered a new element. Suddenly, the alarm goes off, signalling an attack. I run upstairs to see orderly chaos, everyone running about and pulling their suits on. "oh Ryder, good. STAY HERE. keep your gun close, stay on coms. they connect to your left wireless earphone." Tony tells me as he runs past me, an Iron Man suit surrounding him as he speaks. within 2 minutes they're out of the house, Tony initiating lockdown protocol. As soon as they're gone, I pull out my outfit, quickly changing into my leather trousers, a skull t shirt and my leather jacket, lining my eyes in black and deciding to tie the bandanna around my neck this time. they know who I am. I slide my gun into the holster, slipping on my gloves and tightening my boots, before jumping out the window and rolling over. I stand, shaking off the fall before taking off running. 

A 15 minute run later, and I'm staring up at a portal in the sky, watching slightly blue monsters fall out of the sky. "hello!" Loki shouts, poking his head through a portal. "Sorry about this, there was a slight complication, and now the frost giants are coming here. Don't let them touch you!" he shouts, pulling his head back through and punching a giant. everyone nods, pulling out their weapons. Hulk picks up a car and crushes a few with it, grinning. I pull out my gun, backflipping over a car and shooting 2 in the head, landing next to Steve who catches his shield, glancing at me. "oh you idiot." he mutters to me, before speaking into the coms. "She's here already Tony." he says, looking at me. "hi!" I say into the coms, grinning. "fucking hell, thats like a 45 minute run in 15 minutes? how did you even get out?" Tony asks, clearly annoyed. "Jumped out of my bedroom window and tuck and rolled down a hill." I reply with a shrug, telling Steve to duck as I shoot 2 giants that were walking towards him. "GO HOME!" Tony shouts, glaring at me. "oh come on Tony! you're no fun." I reply, no intention to leave this fight. I just grin, running off to fight some more aliens. 

"oh by the way, Tony, I discovered a new element!" i tell him mid battle. "what?" he asks in shock, turning to look at me. "yeah... I figured out how to make a immune booster to help people recover from colds and such, I couldn't find the solution because it hadn't been discovered yet! I'm calling it Rydium." I tell him casually as I shoot 3 giants, sighing as more come through the portal. "holy shit kid! you've gotta show me this when we get home!" he says, excited. "uhh- a little help guys?" Steve shouts as a giant hits his shield, it hiding his head. I run, using his shield as I trampoline and flipping over the giants, shooting them all and landing on my feet, grinning. "that felt cool. did that look cool?" I ask, grinning at Steve. he just rolls his eyes, jumping back into battle. "oh cheer up Cap, you know I looked cool!" I say into coms, deciding that if I was going to be in trouble, I better have some fun with it. "you've gotten more confident since you've been hanging out with Loki." Steve tells me, ignoring what I had said. "I'M TAKING THAT AS A COMPLIMENT!" Loki shouts through the portal, and I wave at him. "oh no, you're in trouble with me too. you know what I think about you doing this!" he tells me, grinning when I use one of the tricks he taught me. "okay, yeah you do look cool, but still kiddie, stop being stupid." He tells me, giving me a stern look. "yes, I'm with the demigod on that." Tony chips in, earning an annoyed look from me. "yeah, says the guy on another planet, fighting off an entire species. We're just cleaning up your mess here Loki!" I sass back, still fighting as I talk. 

I end up on my knees, gun pointed at an alien as I shoot 3 shots at it, turning around and shooting another. I hear a deafening clang as something hits Steve's shield, and I look up to see him blocking an attack aimed at me. he knocks the alien out, before kissing me quickly, whispering "be careful." In my ear. I smile, launching back into action. 

Loki finally manages to close the portal, and we begin making a pile of aliens. Tony drops a tracker onto the pile so SHIELD can come and collect it, us standing by and waiting. I decide this time that I'm going to catch a ride back in the jet, giving theres no need for me to run off. A complication in the form of camera crew and reporters round the corner, and I quickly slip into a nearby building so I'm not seen. I watch as they try to bat off reporters, finally making it into the jet and quickly taking off. I sigh, waiting for the reporters to disperse before taking off running back towards the tower.

I hear jets above me head after a few minutes, and look up to see Tony hovering above me. "I've been flying around for 5 minutes looking for you! why didn't you just stay put?" he asks, slightly annoyed. "I just assumed you would assume I'd make my own way back" I respond with a shrug, catching my breath. Tony lands, the suit opening up and turning out to be empty. "climb in." he tells me. I grin, stepping into the suit and watching it close around me. "okay, I'm going to give you control now. please don't crash my suit." he tells me, the screen lighting up and different things popping up, including my heartrate. "whoa.. this is epic.." I say, testing out the repulsers, before hesitantly taking off, flying myself back home. I land not so elegantly onto the landing pad, standing up to see Tony watching with an amused look on his face.

"very elegant." he says, laughing. the suit peels away from me and I make my way over to Tony. "I know what you're gonna say, but first can I show you the element?" I say, grabbing his hand and dragging him to the lab. "ta da!" I shout, holding the book in front of him. "holy shit, kid, this is cool." he mutters, sitting down. "we need a particle accelerator." he tells me, pulling out a stark pad and creating a shopping list, ordering everything we'll need for the particle accelerator. "let me work on this with you. I don't want my name on anything, but please." he pleads, smiling at me. "I was hoping you'd say that, because I need your brain. Its taken me almost a decade to perfect this." I admit, looking at my work. "I need it to be perfect..." I mutter, smiling up at Tony as he pulls me in for a hug. 

we get started with creating the area for the accelerator, clearing the room and making pillars, all exactly the same height. It was about 7 am that we got back, and its now 6pm. "okay, thats all we can do for now. lets go get food, I'm starving." I say, grinning at Tony. I escape the room to go and get showered, only just noticing the fact that I'm still clad in fake leather. I peel my clothes off, hopping in the shower and putting on a pair of leggings and a hoodie. I wander back out to see everyone arguing over pizza. 

"No! we need a veggie pizza!" Bruce shouts, pointing at a spicy vegetable pizza in the menu. "oh come on, big green, you know it has to be the meat feast!" Tony replies. I roll my eyes at them, turning to Natasha. "Они снова спорят, какую пиццу съесть? (are they arguing about which pizza to get again?)" i ask, sighing. she nods, giving me an exasperated look. "почему они не получают оба? (why don't they get both?)" I ask again, her shrugging. "потому что они идиоты (because they're idiots.)" she replies, causing us both to laugh. "hey idiots, get both. I say, sitting down. the pizza arrives quickly, us ending up getting 4 pizzas because everyone seemed to want something different.

we all dig in, everyone starving after the fight. Tony and I talk animatedly about our plans as we eat, stopping dead when the news comes on. we all watch in silence as they pull up a video that appears to be being filmed from a helicopter, of all of us fighting. they talk about the Avengers, showing clips from then entering the quinjet, before they pause the video of us fighting and zoom in. on me. my eyes go wide, my face draining of color. They play the kiss that Steve and I shared, before zooming in on my face and talking about me. "Charlotte Moore is an english girl, who moved to America at the age of 9. there's been barely any proof of her existence except a bank card, not much going in or out. She's been seen many times exiting or entering both the old SHIELD facility and the new Avengers Tower, and the video captured here suggests a reason for that. Is this girl a quick hookup for our soldier out of time, or is she a secret the Avengers have been keeping, maybe a new powered indervidual?" the interviewer asks rhetorically, before moving on to the next story. 

"oh.. fuck.." I say, peeling my eyes from the screen. "fuck indeed." Tony agrees. "I need to get out of here, right now." I say, making my way up to the bedrooms. "I'll be back at some point, don't contact me. maybe say I was a short term scientist and that the kiss was spur of the moment? I don't know." I mutter, packing my bag. I grab what I can, getting Steve to leave it around the side of the building. "Ryder wait.." Steve starts and I just turn to look at him. "this needs to happen Steve, I won't let you take the heat for my idiotic mistake." I tell him, pulling him in for a hug. "I've enjoyed this, and I'm sorry to cut this short, but I just don't see anyway for us to be together now the world is on my trail." I say, wiping away a stray tear. "no.. don't break up with me.." he pleads, tears in his eyes. "I'm sorry.. this is the hardest thing I've ever done. I'll miss you." I tell him quietly, placing a desperate kiss to his lips before leaping out the window. I grab my things, before heading away from the tower. I pull out my phone, it ringing twice before a British accent picks up the call. "hello?" Gemma answers. "hey Gem, can I stay with you for a little while? I have nowhere else to go..." I mutter, wiping away my tears. "yeah thats fine, I have a spare bed. Are you okay? I saw the news." She tells me, worried. "can I just explain when I get there? I'm 5 minutes away." I tell her, hanging up the phone. 

I reach her apartment, the block looking nothing like mine - not a scratch in the paint. I knock gently, Fitz opening the door. He instantly pulls me in for a hug, grabbing my telescope off me and walking me inside. "that news story was brutal! 'a quick hookup for our soldier out of time', what a load of bullshit! they had no right to broadcast that, and you could easily see the love in that kiss!" he shouts, the anger making his thick Scottish accent even harder to understand. "hey.." Gemma says, pulling me in for a hug. "I'll show you your room, then you can explain." she says, showing me to the spare room. I place my bags down on my bed, before sitting down. a few tears trail down my cheeks as Gemma and Fitz join me, putting their arms around me. 

I expain to them the whole story, the story of how I'd sneak into fights to see them, the story of how I got with Steve. in the end my face is dripping with tears, the alarm clock displaying 11pm. "I'm sorry for showing up with so little notice, thank you so much for letting me stay here." I tell them, smiling at my 2 friends. "It's okay, we've got to stick together. anyways, its not like we have some raging social life! you're welcome to stay for as long as you need, we love having you around." Gemma tells me with a smile. "and you have the coolest telescope ever." Fitz adds, grinning. I laugh at him, promising to show him how it works tomorrow so he can use it whenever he wants. they eventually leave, saying goodnight before going back to their room. I sigh, pulling out my notebook to work on my serum, knowing full well that I'm not sleeping.

my phone buzzes after half an hour, and I pick it up to see a message from an unknown number.

_hi Ryder, this is a secure line to JARVIS. contact whoever you want (in the Avengers tower) through this, but everyone will see your messages so please god, no phone sex with Rogers. -Tony._

I laugh, typing out a response.

_Hi Tony, this is great news! send me pictures of the work, keep me posted on the element. really? no phone sex? not even a little bit? you're so harsh. I'm already missing you guys, sorry I couldn't say a proper goodbye. I'm staying with Gemma and Fitz from the lab, them letting me stay for as long as I need to. I'll be staying inside and away from the cameras, sorry for all the inconveniences I've caused you._

I press send, letting my phone fall to the bed, it buzzing in my hand not 30 seconds later.

_No way am I working on that element without you! we'll do it when you're back with us. By the way, YOU WILL BE COMING BACK. we've gotten through worse, trust me. Thank Fitz Simmons for me, good idea with the cameras. The rest are asleep, I'm just about to snuggle down, you get some too, please. I can't wait to see how much Steve blushes at that last comment, by the way, I'll get Nat with a camera so we can send you some photos. See you soon, don't lose hope. -Tony._

I sigh, my heart aching for them already. I set up my telescope, aiming it at the tower. I can't see anything except the top of the A, but I feel closer to them anyway. I sigh, repositioning it to be looking at the sky, watching as clouds slowly cloud my view of the stars. In my head I write a poem, something I've found myself doing when I get into a sad mood, and decide to write it down.

**_Clouds_ **

_Soft, calming clouds drift across the sky_

_some may stop and stare to watch as you pass by._

_For some you resemble memories, the passing of the years_

_while finding faces in your depths, their eyes just drown in tears_

_For others you signal rain and storms, roaring flashes of light_

_the colliding of your particles, what a sound, what a sight_

_when I turn to glance above, all I see are lies_

_For to me you live to hide the stars, to shield them from my eyes_

_Soft calming clouds, you drift across the sky_

_above the heads of busy ants, not a glance as you pass by._

I sigh, rereading the poem over again, before closing my book. I pull out my sketchpad, letting my hands draw what they want. I end up drawing the image that is etched into my mind from the news report - Steve holding me behind his shield, his lips of mine and eyes full of concern, my body visibly melting under his touch. I sigh, deciding to watch the sunrise as the golden rays light up my drawing, knowing Steve is watching too.


	21. why do I keep making this kid leave

I glance down as a message pings up on my screen, breaking me out of my own thoughts. I open the message, seeing a photo of Steve in a loose grey top, his hair tousled. His face is bright red, just as Tony predicted, an embarrassed smile on his lips. I laugh, before beginning to type.

_fuck you, Tony, now I'm sad! -R_

_why are you sad? -T_

_Because you're an asshole and are showing me pictures of something I can't have! (insert angry face here) -R_

_Don't forget we can all read these, and Steve is now blushing again. -Nat_

I put my head in my hands as I remember that fact, blushing too.

_yeah, so am I. Forgot about that small fact. (Hi Steve :) ) -R_

_hey Ryder, you watched the sunrise this morning, right? -S_

_yep, even wrote a soppy poem to describe my teenage emotions -R_

_whoa, in less than a month I won't be able to blame everything on my teenage emotions! -R_

_wait, when even is your birthday? -C_

_as if I'm falling for that one, birds nest. -R_

"Ryder, want some breakfast?" Gemma asks, knocking on my door. "sounds great, thanks!" I reply, opening the door and following her to the kitchen. Something catches my eye out of the window, and I look out to see a frost giant. "oh fucking hell, not these guys..." I mutter as more follow it. I grab my phone, quickly typing out a message.

_TONY!! track my phone, we missed some giants who are now marching around town. -R_

I quickly change, deciding to cover my face with the bandana, just in case, before leaving out of the window, making sure to stay hidden as I follow them. The avengers quickly arrive and I hide in a thick tree, staying out of sight. I pull out my gun, helping to take out a few giants. I see Steve glancing around every now and again, one time his eyes locking with mine, before he quickly rips them away to continue fighting. I feel a hand on my shoulder, almost falling out of the tree when I see Clint behind me. "CLINT! you're not meant to be talking to me!" I whisper shout, pointing at a street camera. "chill your beans, kiddo, how was I supposed to know you were in this tree? I just saw a good vantage point!" he tells me, pulling his bow off his shoulders. "okay catniss, you can stay." I mutter, glad to see him, even though its only been a day. We stay in our tree, picking off giants until they're all gone. He pulls me in for a quick hug, squeezing my shoulders. "stay in contact, Tony is sorting it out. also, stay in this tree until we're gone. its surprisingly well concealed in here." he tells me, grinning before jumping down from the tree. I sit back against the tree, watching the team go through the whole charade of trying to escape the press. 

A few minutes after they've left, the press leaves too, but I decide to hang around to make sure the coast is clear. I feel a hand on my shoulder, turning around to be ingulfed into a hug from Steve. "Steve!" I whisper, crying into his Captain America outfit. "I had to see you, I miss you so much already. Don't end things with me, please, I can't deal with it. We'll sort something out just- don't give up on me." he whispers into my hair, holding me close as I wrap my legs around his waist, him sitting against the tree. "Never... It was a stupid thing to say in the heat of the moment - you don't know how much it broke me." I reply, my words muffled by his shirt. I look up at his face, leaning our foreheads together as we soak each other in, knowing our time together is numbered. Soon, his lips are on mine, soothing and loving, but also desperate and with a sense of inevitability, both of us knowing we have to let go. He leans his forehead against mine again, pulling me in for a tight hug.

"I can't say goodbye." he admits, crying. "then don't. Don't let this be a goodbye." I say, knowing I can't deal with it either. He presses one last kiss to my lips, before dropping out of the tree and taking off towards the tower. I sigh, following his actions, instead slipping through the window in Gemma's house. "I was watching a live news coverage, don't worry they didn't see you. Are you okay?" she asks, I just shake my head. "Steve came and saw me, it was just hard to let go. I didn't realize how serious our relationship is until now, I really do think I love him." I admit to her, crying into her soft hug. "aw hun, relationships are hard, but you two are meant together. It'll all work out." she says, stroking my hair.

"so where were you? Fitz asks as we watch the news. I point to the tree that Clint is currently climbing into, and soon you see arrows flying from it. "look closely, you can see bullets coming from it." I say as they slow down the video, a bullet whizzing across the screen. "oh thats cool." Fitz mutters, smiling at me. we continue watching, me gasping as they announce that they're going 'live to the Avengers Tower'. I sit forward in my seat, all of the avengers appearing on screen in business suits. 

"thank you for meeting with us." the presenter starts, Tony flashing a smile. "hello, its our pleasure. We just wanted to talk about the situation with R- Charlotte, to clear up any confusion. Charlotte was living with us while working on a project, the decision being made that it would be more convenient for all. She showed great skill in combat, so helped us out as backup on a few missions. The kiss with Steve was not a 'quick hookup' situation, but a budding relationship. the two have been very close, and formed a very particular relationship, one that has now been terminated, due to the fact that her work with the Avengers has been completed, her moving out." he says, keeping the details as vague as possible. "that does clear things up, thank you Mr Stark. do you know a way that we can contact her? we would like to conduct an interview featuring her to wrap this all up." the presenter says, Steve's jaw locking. "I do not, I'm sorry to say." he replies, turning the call off. "ah it would appear that we have lost connection to the tower...." the presenter drones on. I put my head in my hands, knowing they're not going to rest until I've done that interview. 

The rest of the day goes much like the previous, as do the 3 after that. on a Monday morning, I decide to pay the news company a visit. I dress in my best outfit, before walking to their offices. I walk in, smiling kindly to the lady at the front desk. "hello, my name is Charlotte Moore, I've been told that some people are looking to interview me?" I say, flashing a smile. "ah yes, right this way please." she says, leading me down a hallway, her heels clacking against the marble floors. She leads me into a room, where I'm attacked by makeup and hair teams, before pushed towards some cameras. 

"and now, we bring you an unexpected situation, Charlotte Moore is here to do the interview! Welcome, Charlotte!" the interviewer says as I walk onto the stage, sitting down in a hard chair. "so what do we owe this lovely surprise?" he asks, giving me a fake smile. "well, I watched the interview that you did with the Avengers, and decided that I owed it to them to answer any lingering questions on the matter." I say, smiling. "oh how kind of you. lets get started then." he says. he starts off by asking a few basic questions, none of which relating to my work or the Avengers. then the hard questions start.

"so, describe your relationship with Mr Rogers." he asks, watching me. "well, not that its your business by the way, Steve and I were in a very close relationship, one that I had formed with all the Avengers from living with them. Steve always seemed to understand what I was thinking, and we just clicked. our relationship developed, as you saw from the kiss, which was him telling me to be careful as he saved me from being killed. as my work drew to a close, we made the decision to end it there, not wanting the distance to complicate the situation further." I respond, smiling at the camera. "but you still care for him?" the man asks, his eyes stabbing into mine. "I care about all the Avengers, as I said, I formed relationships with all of them" I reply, dodging the question. "yes, but Mr Rogers in particular, do you miss your relationship?" "well thats a vague question. I had a good time with Steve, we got on well, but I do believe it was the right decision to end the relationship." I blatantly lie, my heart calling out for him.

"How did you learn your skills in fighting? you seemed to quite advanced at it." "you'll never believe me, but I spent some time on Asgard, with the god of Mischief, Loki, where we became friends and he taught me to fight." I explain with a laugh. "wow, how intriguing. and were you and this god involved too?" he asks, a gross smile on his face. "no. that is a ridiculous question to ask, Loki and I were and still are close friends, but nothing more. I would like it if you could all stop making me out to be some slut, I do not appreciate it." I snap, going on the defense. The whole room is silent for a second before the Interviewer begins talking again. "sadly thats all we've got time for today. thank you, Charlotte, for that- informative interview, we appreciate you taking time out of your day to come here."

... lets just say I didn't get many happy looks on my way out.

my phone buzzes in my pocket as I begin my walk home, the chat going mad.

_that was, by far the most brutal interview ever -T_

_and not for the interviewee -T_

_can you please do all of our interviews from now on? -T_

_maybe I snapped at that comment about Loki. oops -R_

_that was literally amazing, will be rewatching that over and over -N_

_Not as many times as Steve will rewatch it though! -T_

_Tony, for the love of god, stop making the poor man blush! -C_

Clint had attached an image of Steve with his head in his hands, his whole head and neck a bright red. 

_you guys are idiots. I think the press will be leaving us alone now, so I think this is goodbye -R_

_no, don't you dare go there. -S_

_you said no goodbyes, and I'm going to hold you to that. -S_

_okay, so not goodbye then, so what is this? -R_

I wait for 15 minutes, staring at the screen, begging for someone to have a solution, my feet in autopilot, when finally, someone begins to type.

_we need to talk this through in person. -T_

_I'm a 2 minute walk from Gemma's, I'll get changed and head over. -R_

_perfect. Tell me when you're near, I'll knock out some cameras for you. -T_

I stuff my phone into my pocket, taking off running. I slip into Gemma's apartment, quickly explaining what is happening as I change out of my formal clothes, every cell in my body alight, buzzing with the idea of going back home.


	22. Plans

I take of running, towards the tower, towards my home. when I get 3 minutes away, I send Tony a quick message, slowing to a walk. I make it to the front door, JARVIS greeting me and letting me in the building. "hi everyone." I greet them, a huge smile on my face as I walk into the room. Steve jumps up, enveloping me in a hug. "hi.." he mumbles, smiling against my head. "hey you." I say, taking his hand and sitting down on the sofa. "so. anyone up for pasta?" Nat asks, dishing up the pesto pasta that she was stirring in the corner. she places 6 bowls on the table, all of us sitting around and chatting as if I'd never left. we all polish off our bowls, upholding our tradition of complaining for 5 minutes about how full we are and about how we ate too much, before heading to the sofa to begin brainstorming. 

"J, create new folder called project Night Ryder, store it in my private files. Make a document to be saved in it and note down every idea we come up with, including any comments we make on the ideas." Tony says, sitting down. "really Tony? project Night Ryder?" I ask him, smirking. "its a cool name and you know it." he responds. "okay. what ideas do we have?" 

we talk about ideas for over an hour, all of the ideas being idiotic. I sigh, placing my head in my hands as Steve rubs my back. "why doesn't she just move back in?" Nat asks. "cameras, public." Tony reminds her, groaning. "yeah, but it won't be hard to keep her away from that - she doesn't exactly need to leave the house." Nat says, all of us looking up at her. "wait.. that could actually work. you have to promise not to leave under any circumstances, even if theres a fight." Tony says, turning to me. "I can do that, for the time being." I say, nodding. "perfect. that was actually easy?" Bruce adds. "I wouldn't exactly call an hour of dumb ideas easy, but it'll work." Steve says, smiling down at me. "and this way Tony and I can work on our element." I say, nodding. "yeah. everything we need is here. someone needs to go round Fitz Simmons' place to get her stuff though." Tony says, Clint nodding. "I'm on it."

an hour later, Clint returns with my things. I grab them off him, thanking him, before returning to my room to unpack, smiling to myself the whole time. I'm finally home, with better than without a reason to leave - a reason I can't. I finish packing away, sitting on my bed. Steve carefully walks in, looking a little nervous as he sits down. "okay.. whats up?" I ask him, taking his hands. "I have a.. suggestion. You don't sleep well and neither do I, so I was wondering if you think it'd be easier for us to just share a bed?" He rushes out, his face red. I place my hand on his cheek, laughing at his nervous glances. "yes, I think thats a great idea Steve." I press a soft kiss to his lips, still shocked that he is mine. 

I wake up the next morning, Steve curled up beneath me, having slept the whole night. "morning" he mumbles as I stretch, kissing my shoulder. "good morning." I respond, snuggling back down to cuddle up to him again. we stay like that for almost an hour, exchanging the odd comment about our upcoming day. "oh come on Steve! Come do yoga with meeee" I whine, laughing. "ugh, fine, I'll do yoga with you." he gives in finally, laughing with me. "yoga is actually a lot harder than you think _Captain,_ it is one of the reasons I built up my muscle so fast." I tell him, rolling out of bed. "noooo..." he winges, reaching after me. I grin at him, grabbing a pair of leggings and a sports bra, turning around to change so Steve doesn't see too much, even though I know he wouldn't look. We quickly make our way downstairs after getting changed, entering the Gym. "J, run the next day on my yoga thingy." I ask, stretching. "of course, here is your _yoga thingy_. he says, letting out a robotic laugh. I perform the actions easily, having practiced them every day, laughing as I watch Steve fall flat on his face during some. "ok yeah, this is rubbish. lets fight." he says, standing up with a smirk. 

"okay star spangled man, you're on." respond, that making me think of something. "J, you know what to play." I say with a grin as the trumpet intro to the song about Steve from before the ice blasts through the speakers. Steve quickly leaps into action, pretending to hold his shield and doing all the dance moves that he was doing back then, adding in the dialogue he was having to speak. I just watch, laughing my head off at his reenactment. "gah, Bucky used to tease me so hard about that!" he laughs, his eyes slightly sad at the mention of his friend. I pull him into my arms, holding the man close, before flipping him onto his back, smirking. he grins throwing a punch at me, using my dodge to knock me off balance and quickly getting to his feet. I raise an eyebrow, both of us throwing punches and kicks at the other, our actions speeding up. I kick his shin, seeing and opening. I quickly knee his stomach, pulling my gun from my waistband and holding it to his temple as I pin him down. "holy fuck, was not expecting a gun." he says, panic on his face. I pull out the magazine to show him that its empty and smirking. "you really thought I was going to shoot you?" I laugh, placing a kiss to his lips. 

I had only meant for it to be quick, but the kiss quickly grew heated, his tongue sliding against mine as I let my body relax against his, my hands on his chest and his in my hair. A sharp cough breaks us apart, both of us blushing madly as we sit up. I look at Tony, him stood smirking in the doorway. I was wondering if you wanted to put together the accelerator, if you're not busy with Captain makeouts over there." Tony laughs as Steve blushes bright red, me helping him to his feet. "we were just working out. Let me shower and I'll meet you down there." I tell him, glancing at Steve. "yeah, working out your tongue muscles. See you down there in a bit!" he shouts, waving. "oh god..." Steve groans as I laugh, pulling his body against mine. "hes never gonna let us live this one down." I laugh, resting my head on his shoulder. "Nope. cmon, better not keep him waiting too long." Steve says, pressing a soft kiss to my lips before taking my hand. 

We walk into the elevator, pressing the button and waiting in a peaceful silence as the lift moves to the bedroom floor. I quickly shower, walking back into my room to see Steve sat on my bed, reading a book. "hey, I was thinking, If we're sharing a bed, we may as well just share a room." I say, rubbing my hair with my towel. "yeah I was thinking something similar. Your room has the better view so do you want me to move my stuff in here while you're working with Tony?" he asks, smiling. "yeah sounds great. I'll see you later, then, gotta go face the endless teasing!" I say, dramatically rolling my eyes, causing Steve to laugh. "good luck!" he says, grinning.

I make my way down to the lab, seeing how Tony and I had left it, but with big crated stacked at the side of the room. "you ready for some heavy lifting?" Tony asks from where hes sat cross legged on the floor. I grin, rolling up the sleeves of my flannel shirt before folding my legs underneath me to join Tony on the floor. "okay. so this is all the measurements, everything is set up right, I double checked that while you were showering, so now its just a case of finding which parts go where." he says, flattening out the large A3 pages on the floor, containing all the detailed diagrams that we had drawn out together. "perfect. Lets crack these crates open then!" I say, lifting the lid to the first one. "oh fuck Tony, its in small parts." I say, lifting up the quarter of a cylinder piece, about the size of my forearm. I turn it over to see A379 engraved on the side of it, smiling. "oohhhh yess I bloody love a puzzle!" I say, grinning at the organizational pattern of the pieces, all with their own indervidually codes. I pull out a booklet that was in the box, grimacing at the amount of steps. "oh yeah this is going to be hard. There's one in each box." Tony says, lifting another. 

we work for 4 hours without a break, finally having an organized line of cylinders. "okay! This is progress! just now to figure out how they fit together." Tony groans as he pulls out another instruction book. "well, at least there's instructions I guess." I nod, sitting down and taking a drink of water. "geez kid, Cap's positivity is really rubbing off on you." Tony grumbles, joining me on the floor. I laugh at that, placing my empty bottle down. "okay, I'm out of water. Wanna go get some food before we continue?" I ask, him raising an eyebrow at me. "I love that you just used the fact that you have no water as an excuse to eat." he laughs, standing up and grabbing my hand, pulling me after him. "C'mon then, lets go get some lunch." he says after a second, causing me to smile.

we eat our lunch, chatting animatedly about the accelerator. As we're washing up, Nat walks in, grinning. "thanks for that video, Tony, that slideshow is getting a little beyond PG13 now though." she says, smirking when I raise my eyebrow at her. "wait wait wait - what bloody video Tony?" I say, turning to him and crossing my arms. Nat places her phone down on the table, showing us a video, clearly taken by Tony, of Steve and I fighting, before I pin him down, a grin on my face and a gun in my hand. you can't hear our conversation but you can see our lips moving, then suddenly we're kissing. I sigh, placing my head on the table. "I will be cringing for the rest of my life, just an FYI. also, next party you throw I'm so making a video of all the funny things you lot do!" I tell them, punching Tony in the arm. "hey! I was just recording the video of your fight because I was quite surprised how well you were kicking Steve's ass, and wanted something to hold against him, I didn't know that was going to happen!" he says with a laugh, causing me to groan again. "okay okay lets just go build that bloody accelerator." I mutter, walking out the room quickly and hearing Tony and Nat laughing behind me. 

Tony and I finally finish our accelerator, both of us buzzing with excitement about the new element. We place the compound we had created in its holder, both of us ducking under the side of the accelerator. I stand near the thing to direct the accelerated particles, Tony standing next to the power switch. "okay... beginning acceleration in 5.. 4.. 3.. 2.. anddd 1!" Tony shouts, pulling the lever, both of us watching in awe as we see the speed of the particles ticking up, helpfully displayed by JARVIS. "okay... time to make Rydium!" I say, turning the wheel to focus the radiation on our compound, it glowing with heat. After a few seconds Tony kills the power, the compound settling into a deep red, slightly glowing color. "Test complete, congratulations Miss Moore, You have created Rydium." JARVIS announces, Tony and I shouting and hugging each other, both of us grinning like madmen. "Okay! Now to make my serum, fingers crossed! while I do that do you mind studying the Rydium, maybe make some measurements?" I ask Tony, still grinning. "Yeah, I'd love to." he says, grabbing the Rydium. I get what I need to off him, placing it in a test tube and mixing it with my serum, heating it lightly over my Bunsen Burner. 

We decide to leave it there for today, going upstairs and making dinner for everyone to celebrate. Everyone quickly joins us when they hear Tony pop the cork of a bottle of champagne, filling 6 glasses with the bubbly liquid. "You, kiddo, get a glass too. You've been epic in that lab." Tony says, smiling kindly at me, a glimmer of pride in his eye. "Thanks, Tony, I really couldn't have done it without your help though!" I say, pulling him in for a side hug. "Nah, it was you that discovered a whole new element, I just helped with making it." He says, looking up as people walk in. "AH! We are celebrating today because Rydium officially exists!" Tony shouts, handing everyone glasses. we all cheer, clinking our glasses together. We end up getting though 3 bottles of champagne, Tony even letting me drink enough to feel a slight buzz. 

"hey you, Brainiac." Steve says, sliding his arm over my shoulder as the evening grows late. I laugh, burying my head into his shoulder. "19 years old and discovering new elements - I don't even think I want to know the bonkers stuff you'll be doing at 20!" he teases me, kissing the top of my head. "probably still saving your starry ass, Captain America." I say with a smile, his face flickering slightly. "Not if I can help it." he mutters quietly after a minute, his lips pressed to my head as we sit together on the sofa. I sigh at that, wishing that they would start taking my abilities more seriously. I've proven that I can hold my own against a hoard of aliens, for gods sake, even sometimes saving them. "I will be." I respond, him pulling away. "Ryder..." he starts, looking down at me. "Look. I don't want some lecture on how I'm only 19, I've been an adult since I was 9. I think I've proven that. I can fight, Steve, I may not be an Avenger but I bloody well care about them. I don't care if you and Steve think its stupid for me to do this, I want to fight with you, and I will. I'm sure as hell not going to let you lot go out risking your lives while I stay at home, knowing full well that one of my bullets could be the difference between life and death for you." I say to him quietly, looking deep into his eyes. His eyes stare right back, desperation and guilt flooding them.

"I understand, God I understand, I went through it all when I was watching my best friend marching into the war, me too skinny and asthmatic to help. I adore you, Ryder, and I can't deal with the thought of you getting hurt, trying to protect me." he tells me, pain on his face. "how about we protect each other? not just from the physical threats, but also emotional. Let me fight, but we both have to be careful, because I know it'll hurt you if I die, and I don't know how I'd survive if you do either." I plead with him, he just sighs and pulls me into his arms. "I'll think about it, you aren't even allowed to leave anyway, so until then, its a definite no." he tells me, holding me close. "You know thats only a temporary fix." I mutter, rolling my eyes. "what do you mean?" he shoots back, lifting his head to look at me. "I mean you can't have me locked up in here forever - one day someone will find out. We need to get a proper plan, whether thats me leaving or something else, but we both know we can't keep this up." I tell him, feeling sad. "well you're not leaving again, thats for sure, but we'll come up with something, don't let that worry you." he says, pulling me in for a soft hug. 


	23. experiments gone wrong

I did try to sleep that night, trying to let Steve's slightly warmer skin and gentle scent clear my mind, but it just wasn't working. My mind kept being brought back to thoughts of ways to make these nights last forever, and my new serum. I have done the maths over and over in my head, theres approximately a 50% chance it leads to cardiac arrest, the new element being more unstable than anticipated. JARVIS had gotten me the full report on Rydium by midnight, and I quickly slip from Steve's grasp to work on it. I stay there for maybe 2 hours, or maybe just 2 minutes, reading the report over and over, running numbers through my mind. I can't use mice. the Rydium would be toxic, their immune systems would break it down, making it even more dangerous. Luckily, human immune systems shouldn't have this response, so it could still work. the only problem - I can't test it on mice. 

Steve sure as fuck is not going to like what I'm about to do.

I slip down to the lab, whipping a quick batch of my new serum up. "Okay, J, I'm going to need you to begin recording in a second, I want you to wake up Dr Banner and play him this recording exactly 2 seconds after I stop it. got it?" I ask the AI as I feed the serum into a needle connected to a plundger. "Record what you say, wake Dr Banner and play it to him 2 seconds after it stops. are you sure that this is a good idea?" he asks, me giving him a satisfied nod and a slight grimace. "yeah. It'll be fun. okay.. and record. Hey Bruce, I am - um - well 2 seconds before you hear this I injected myself with an experimental serum, you know, the one I've been working on. I've told J to wake you up just in case- well theres technically a 50/50 chance I go into cardiac arrest, or maybe a bit more than 50/50, so I may need you to come and check on me. please, try not to wake Steve until I'm breathing and what not, he would utterly freak out and I cannot deal with the aftermath of that right now." I say, letting out a nervous laugh. "okay. see you soon. JARVIS, end recording." I say, shoving the needle deep into my arm, running through the numbers again. I miscalculated earlier, and as I was making the serum I realized my mistake. the real chance of my slightly charred demise is closer to 90%, but I'm sure as hell not going to let that stop me. Bruce is on his way down just in case, and nothing bad has happened yet.

As I think that last though though, my vision goes blurry and my body feels numb. "oh shit.." I mumble, seeing the panicked outline of Bruce in front of me. My eyes slip shut, drowning me in darkness as my hearing goes too, the steady thump of my heart no longer there to calm me down. "Bruce?" I call out into the darkness, pressure building on my chest. I hear muted talking around me, before my body sets on fire, slamming back down against the ground as the fire dies out. It happens again, this time hotter, causing my consciousness to drop in and out, before leaving me completely. 

my mind snaps back awake, an annoying beep filling my ears. "bloody hell.." I mutter, remembering what just happened. "I'm going to call that a success giving I survived." I continue, smiling. "yeah, no thanks to you by the way! I had to use the fucking defibrillator 3 times, I thought I'd lost you!" I hear Bruce shout, and I instantly slip my eyes open, confused of how I got to the medbay. "ohh thats what that was! by the way, defibrillators bloody hurt, felt like you were setting me on fire." I tell him, scowling. "what time is it? I only thought I was out for a second..." I say, confused. "yeah, try 10800. You were out for 3 hours, its now just coming up to 7am." he tells me, walking to my side. "oh..." I mutter, feeling something press into my skin. "really? don't you think thats enough needles for one day?" I ask, watching as Bruce attaches an IV to my arm. I don't particularly mind needles, but I can't say I enjoy them. "well you're just going to have to deal with it. If you think I'm mad, you should see Tony. He sees you like a daughter, how do you think it felt for him to watch you lying there, no pulse, and a needle sticking out your arm?" he asks, his voice staying relatively smooth. I've never seen Bruce so upset before, yet this is barely him being spikey. I guess that comes with learning to control a giant green rage monster inside of you. 

"what was I like? just so I can fix what went wrong." I ask him, sitting up. "you- you were glowing red." he tells me, not making eye contact. "what the fuck..." I mutter, falling back against my pillow. "you'll be fine, by the way, the only thing you'll need to recover from is the damage that comes with having that many volts shot through your body." he tells me, tidying up. "get some rest, I'll send Steve in." he says resting his hand on my shoulder before leaving my room. I instantly rip the needle from my arm, letting the tube drop to the ground, the different sticky pads and cuffs monitoring my vitals quick to follow. I shove my hands into my eyes, hating myself for the hurt that I've caused Steve, right after I tell him that I'll be careful. I hear the door softly close, and a second later a hand makes contact with my back. "Steve.. I'm so sorry. The mice.. it wouldn't have worked, it needed to be human." I stumble out, still not lifting my head as I hear him sigh. "You promised you'd be careful. You promised me." He says, tears in his voice, ripping my heart apart. "I know, and I don't know what to say except sorry. I'm fine though, Bruce has fixed me up. I was never going to leave you." I sob, leaning against him. "I saw it, y'know, I walked in as Bruce as shocking you, Tony in floods of tears on the ground, Bruce in hysterics, you were fucking glowing!" he shouts, clearly upset. 

I stay silent this time, knowing my words wouldn't solve anything, and instead opt to reach a tentative hand out, wrapping it around the back of Steve's neck and pulling him down to sit next to me. "I didn't catch on fire? I kind of expected I would. I'm not going to leave you Steve, not until you tell me to go. I know my actions don't show it when I do stupid, risky, destructive things like this, but I really do love you." I tell him, freezing. Yeah, I did not mean to say that. Fuckfuckfuckfuck. Steve's face goes blank, and in that moment I feel so exposed, like as single touch could kill me. In that moment I also realize why. Because it is completely true. I let a slight smile fall over my face in shock, talking out loud again. "Wow I- I didn't realize I felt that way. I'm sorry, you honestly don't have to feel bad because you don't want to say it back, I really did not mean to say that." I stutter out, still in shock at my sudden realization. 

"ca-can you say it again?" Steve whispers, a vacant look on his face. "Steve Rogers, I love you." I tell him, hiding my face in his chest. Suddenly his hand is on my chin, lifting my eyes to meet his, a smile now on his face. "I just had to make sure I hadn't dreamt that." he mutters as he pulls me in for a hard kiss, his tongue dancing with mine. He pulls away again, grinning. "Thats a good thing that you love me, because even though you do idiotic things and literally get yourself killed, and even though you don't seem to know how to deal with these emotions, causing you to leave because you think you don't deserve us, I have never loved anyone more." He tells me, still grinning. I laugh in joy, pulling him in for another kiss. He pulls away, lifting me gently and placing me on his lap, my head resting on his chest. "alright you, get some sleep. I'll be here when you wake." He whispers to me, his hand pulling the loose strands of my hair away from my face, his other holding me close against his body. 

"Okay, you're pretty much healed now, I think, I can't be certain because you injected yourself with a completely unknown element." Bruce tells me that afternoon. "It wasn't completely unknown, Tony and I had run some rudiment tests on it." I mutter, knowing the doctor is right. "you had no idea what effects it could have - what it could still have - and you know it. You'll have to take it easy for the next few days, you did still die." He tells me, handing me my clothes and leaving the room. I sigh, pulling myself off the bed. Steve makes to leave, but I just grab his hand. "please don't. I don't want you to go just yet." I tell him with a blush. He grins, turning his back to me so that I can change. "I think Clint is planning to watch a film later. You up for joining?" Steve asks, and I instantly feel glad he's pulling the conversation away from my mistake. He knows I feel bad and that I regret it. 

"yeah, sounds - ah - good." I say, my breath catching as I feel a sharp tug in my chest as I try to pull my top over my head. Steve flips around instantly, blushing when he sees me standing there in my leggings and a bra. "You really do blush at everything. you do know I wear this every time we work out together?" I tell him with a laugh, moving closer to him. He scowls at the ground, grabbing my top off me and pulling it over my head. I place my hand on his still red cheek, smiling at the love in his eyes. How could I not have fallen hard for this man? He pulls me in for a loving kiss, his hands cradling the small of my back. I pull away, grinning like mad and taking his hands. "I smell food, so I'd say its time we head out there." I say, Steve pulling me closer and holding out bodies together, our foreheads touching. "okayyyy." he moans, letting me lead him towards the door.

"-anuary and still no fucking snow!" Tony shouts as we walk in. "wait.. what is the date?" I quietly ask Steve, grinning as he responds with "the 29th.". "Oh my god, you fucking idiot of a kid. You died! you fucki- you were dead, and glowing, and now you just casually walk into here?" Tony says when he sees me, running to pull me in for a tight hug. "I'm so sorry Tony, I didn't think. Maybe injecting myself with an element we had discovered not 24 hours before wasn't my greatest idea." I say with a laugh. _"wasn't your greatest idea?_ You go on about how you're basically an adult, but I'll believe that when I see it! You are 19, but you act like a fucking 13 year old, risking your life and expecting us not to care! You don't think." he cries into my shoulder, pulling away. "I'm -uh- not 19 anymore, but I do see your point. I just am not used to loving people that love me back, so you may need to bare with me while I figure myself out." I admit, looking down. "Don't leave me like that again." he says, walking off to the sofa where 6 plates of mac and cheese sit waiting for us, Clint placing a DVD into the player. I sigh, taking Steve's hand and joining Tony on the sofa. we all laugh as the introduction to Twilight begins, all of us looking at Clint. "Oh my god, Clint, you're more of a teenager than the teenager!" Natasha laughs. "Not a teenager." I mutter under my breath, Steve turning to look at me. "wait... what?" He asks, a confused look on his face. "I didn't notice, but I turned 20." I respond with a shrug, everyone instantly sighing. "wait.. how long have you been 20 then?" Bruce asks, a shimmer in his eye. "as if I'm falling for that." I say rolling my eyes at the scientist. "Does this mean I'm allowed to fight and stuff now that I'm no longer a teenager?" I ask, turning to Tony. "Nope, You're still under 21." he says with a smile. "but if I'm not a teen or an adult, what do I count as, oh mighty one?" I ask with a smirk. "You're a kid." he responds instantly, shoveling a spoon of pasta into his mouth. "I've just noticed, we basically live off pasta." Steve adds with a laugh, also eating his dinner quietly next to me. "Thats because its the best." I say with a shrug, grabbing my own plate.

we finish the film, all of us heading to bed. I change into a pair of shorts and a vest top, before crawling into bed and laying down facing Steve. he instantly pulls me in for a long kiss, it instantly making my muscles relax. "I love you, so much" he mumbles, rolling over to lay on his back, his hand still running through my hair. "I love you too." I say with a grin, turning over too to lay my head on his shoulder and my hand on his chest, pressing a kiss just under his ear before drifting off to sleep.

I instantly slip into a nightmare - something I've never done while sleeping with Steve. 

I'm back in the lab, the needle pressing into my arm. my skin glows red, time seeming to be moving at triple the speed as I watch things melt, the building setting on fire. I instantly run for the door, heading upstairs to find the Avengers - to warn my family - but I just find myself outside, facing away from the tower. I turn, my eyes settling on a pile of smoldering rubble. I gasp, running over and digging through the stones, one by one finding my friends amongst it. I find Steve's charred corpse last, laying him down gently next to Tony and collapsing next to the man I love, pressing a shaky kiss to his cold lips and letting my tears fall on his face as I slip his empty eyes shut with my fingers, crying my eyes out on his chest.

A scream yanks me from my dream, my eyes instantly snapping open. I sit up, looking at Steve where he's stood at the end of the bed, the confused look on my face morphing into horror as my eyes lock onto the deep burn on his chest, in the shape of a hand. I scream, crawling backwards until my back hits the wall, pulling my knees to my chest and slamming my eyes shut, pleading myself to wake up. I hear feet, and shouts of confusion and panic quickly follow. I open my eyes to see Bruce looking at Steve's chest, every now and again sending worried glances in my direction. I see the others rush in, everyone stopping to take in the scene before them. "fucking hell!" Tony shouts when he catches sight of my bright red skin. he makes his way towards me, and I move quickly away from him. "NO! DON'T TOUCH ME! I DID THAT! I HURT HIM! I'M SORRY....." I shout, crying harder than I ever have, but not feeling tears on my cheeks. I gasp in horror when I realize the tears are evaporating before they bit my cheek. The bedding below me suddenly catches alight, and I quickly jump up, getting a strong sense of deja vu as I think back to my dream. 

I fall sideways, my hand meeting the cold window, before feeling a liquid running through my fingers. I look up to see the window melting under my grasp, and I grab the gun off my desk, shooting a bullet right through my temple, everything instantly dropping away


	24. my worlds on fire

I slowly open my eyes, confused as I take in the medical room around me. I begin to panic as I remember the events of last night, glancing up as Natasha walks in. "Natasha.. Steve.." I say, searching desperately with my eyes, trying to find him. "he's fine, he's currently sleeping. Bruce gave him a lot of meds. try and stay calm, we're running some tests on some of your blood." she says making her way towards me. "please don't touch me." I snap, glaring at her. "Okay, its okay, you won't hurt me. good thinking with shooting yourself with one of your bullets by the way, that must have taken guts." She says, looking impressed. "I didn't know it was loaded with my bullets. I had no control, everything I touched melted or was on fire, making me panic even more. I saw a way to stop it, and didn't hesitate." I tell her, recalling the memories of what happened. I hear Natasha gasp, her eyes filling with sadness. 

"I'm going to get the others so we can talk about what we're going to do next." I nod, sitting up in my bed. I quickly take all the needles and monitors off me, slipping out of the room. I see all the Avengers, stood in a circle, looking worried. I quickly slip into Steve's room, glancing at his peaceful face and letting my gaze fall to his bandage wrapped chest. I walk over, pressing a soft kiss to his cheek before quickly pulling away before I hurt him more. "I know I said no goodbyes, but I hurt you. I can't live with myself, so thats why I have to go. I won't let myself hurt you anymore. I love you, Steve, always." I say, tears falling down my face as I leave, rushing upstairs and grabbing a few changes of clothes and my gun, before slipping out the front door, taking off running. 

I pull out my phone when I get far enough away, instantly dialing Gemma. "hello?" she answers instantly. "hey Gem. You're with your team, right?" I ask, sitting down in a field. "yeah, we're on the zephyr, we just finished our mission. Why?" she asks, confused. "I need you to pick me up. something happened, and now I'm hurting everyone and I can't control it." I cry, taking a deep breath so I don't melt my phone. "okay, we're on our way to your phones location. you'll have to stay on the line so we can track the call, so I'm going to put you on speaker." she says. "Hi everyone, sorry about this." I say, slightly nervous. "theres no problem. whats going on?" I hear an unfamilar yet soothing voice ask. "I discovered an element, you know the one I was talking about Fitz and Gemma, and I finished my serum the mice were reacting badly to it - something in their immune systems were destroying it, and themselves at the same time. I decided to test it on myself, I actually died for a bit, but Bruce helped me back to life. I thought everything was fine, until I woke up from a nightmare, my skin glowing red and a huge burn on Steve's chest where my hand was. I was setting everything on fire and I couldn't help it." I cry into the phone, hearing gasps. "oh my god, we're 2 minutes away, try and take some deep breaths." Fitz's thick accent tells me through the speaker. I look up to see the huge plane hovering above me, before a white box drops down, landing in front of me.

Gemma hangs up the call, her voice instead coming out of the box. "Don't panic, you can't melt this box, it's been specifically designed to hold people with powers. Hop in and we'll pull you up." she tells me. I quickly make my way into the sterile white box, sitting down on a bench. "hey Gemma. thanks for coming and getting me." I say, smiling at her through the window. "Hiya. let me get you out of there." she says, making her way towards the box. "nono. don't. you have to treat me like a threat, theres no room for emotion in this. I can't control it if I let my emotions get out of line." I tell her, panic in my voice. A sad look passes over her face, before 4 more people join her. "Ryder, this is Daisy, May, Coulson and Fitz." She introduces me, everyone saying hi. "You should have called us about the mice - we could've helped you find a substitute." Fitz tells me, stepping up to the glass. "yeah, I didn't think. I was an idiot." I admit, rubbing my forehead. "Hi, Ryder, I'm going to call Tony if thats okay, Fury has just sent out a thing declaring you missing." Coulson tells me, pulling his phone out. I nod, thanking him. I sit down and listen to the one side of the conversation that I can hear.

"yeah, she's safe, she called Gemma explaining the situation." "Don't worry, I wouldn't. I know what Fury would do. We'll keep her with us." "okay one second." 

Coulson looks up at me, smiling. "he wants to talk on speaker so you can hear." he tells me, pressing something on his phone. "hey kiddie." Tony's voice blares out, making something in my chest tug. "Hey Tony. I'm sorry I left without telling you, I just knew I couldn't control it." I explain, furrowing my eyebrow. "hey, its okay. We all were worried is all. This is actually a really grown up thing that you've done - We're just used to you running away and doing something reckless." he says softly, causing me to laugh. "how is he doing?" I ask him. "he's okay, he's awake now. He keeps asking for you, I'm going to take the phone to him Bruce just explained where you are." he tells me and I hear shuffling on his line of the phone. "oh god Ryder are you okay?" he asks down the phone, panicking. "says the guy with the burn mark on his chest. I can't tell you how sorry I am Steve." I say, a tear in my eye. "Its okay, you couldn't control it. I'll be fine, Bruce is fixing me up. come back to me soon, okay? I already miss you." he says, quietly. "I miss you too. get some rest, let yourself heal. I hope to see you soon, but I'm not coming back until I know I won't hurt you. I love you too much to do that." I say, hanging onto his voice. "I love you too, which is why you have to come back to me. I can help you through this." he pleads with me. "Maybe, but I won't let me hurt you trying. I will always love you, but get on with your life. The world still needs Captain America." I tell him, wiping an eye from my cheek. "that sounds like a goodbye, and we're not doing them." he reminds me, pain in his voice. "maybe it needs to be, for now at least." I say, my voice breaking. "No. Ryder don't do this." he cries, pain in everyones eyes as the team gets on with their jobs, trying to give us privacy. I just stay silent, not trusting my voice. "Ryder." Steve says again. "Steve. I love you." I say, trying to get my tears under control. "I love you too, and I'll see you soon." I don't respond, nodding to Coulson. He turns the phone off speaker mode, walking away to talk to Tony as I turn around, crying into my hands. 

A few minutes later and I'm still silently sobbing, memories of my new family in my head. "Ryder?" A voice behind me asks. I turn around to see Daisy giving me a sympathetic look, Gemma behind her. "I need you to try and calm down for me. We have arrived at a SHIELD facility, but we need you to try and calm down so we can sort you out with your new room." Daisy tells me. I look down at my arm to see it glowing red. I let out a soft "oh" before taking a few breaths, vaguely aware of my container moving. I manage to calm myself down by the time the box is at a standstill, the door sliding open to reveal a room that appears to be made of the same material. I sigh and step out, sitting down on the edge of the white bed. 

"Hi Ryder, I've got some food for you and some clean clothes." Gemma says, walking in. Daisy follows her like some kind of guard dog, causing me to raise an eyebrow. "I'd suggest you keeping guns off safety, just in case I throw a fit. It seems to be triggered by my emotions and I've never been a particularly mentally stable person." I say with a laugh, Daisy just smiles. "I don't need a gun. I've got powers like you, But mine were lying dormant in my DNA. Here - I'll show you." She says, moving my plate of food off of the plastic tray and placing the tray on the ground, holding her hand out towards it. It suddenly flies, slamming against the wall as I raise my eyebrows. "how did you do that?" I ask, looking back at her. "My power allows me to change the vibrations of things. I did that by altering the intensity of the vibrations of the air around it. It comes in handy. I had a hard time controlling my powers too - I went through exactly what your going through. Its no fun to feel this out of control, but you can control this. I used to have nightmares which caused whole buildings to shake, and every time I tried to stop the tremors I'd shatter the bones in my arms. Its all about learning to work with it instead of against it." she tells me, sitting down next to me. I sigh, scooting away from her slightly. "I wouldn't be too near me, if I was you. I almost killed my boyfriend my having a bad dream, I don't want to hurt anyone else today." I tell her, looking down. 

"don't worry, you won't hurt me. I want you to feel comfortable around me so you'll let me help you control your powers, so can you tell me about your boyfriend?" she says, smiling. "well, you just might of heard of him actually." I say, a grin on my face. "oh yeah?" she says, turning to face me and crossing her legs. "yeah. Hes Captain America." I tell her, smiling. "No fucking way! thats epic!" she says, her eyes wide. "Whats he like? I've seen him on TV of course but I've always thought he seems too perfect to be true on there." she says, leaning forward. "He is just as perfect as he seems. He's kind and caring and the biggest goofball on the planet. He's so kind that he feels too awkward to tell Tony's slutty presenters to back away at parties, its the funniest thing. Natasha has some videos of it actually, I'll get her to send them over." I tell her, pulling my phone out. 

"how about we video chat them? I know that Colson is interested in talking to them again - he's actually a huge fan of Captain Rogers. he has these trading cards that he's really proud of, doesn't stop going on about them." she says with a laugh. She texts Colson while I set up my phone so It'll come through the big TV, before video calling Natasha, her being the most likely to pick up. After 2 rings, her face appears on the TV, confusion in her eyes. Colson walks in and sits down at the desk as I join Daisy on my bed. "Hey Nat, this is Daisy and Colson." I say, smiling up at her. "Ryder! you look good, how are you doing?" she asks, setting her phone down. "yeah I'm a little better, I can't set this room on fire so thats helping. how are things there?" I ask casually, sitting back. "Steve's fine, he's worried about you. I'll take the camera through so you can talk to everyone." she tells me, standing and walking out of her room. "hey everyone, Ryder is on video chat." she says, placing her phone down so I can see everyone. "hey guys, this is Daisy and Colson from SHIELD." I explain, smiling at the sight of my family. they both wave, before Clint begins talking. "you burnt any more holes through people?" he asks jokingly, grinning, earning him a smack on the arm from Natasha. I roll my eyes at him, scowling. "no, sadly you're too far away for me to do that to anyone I'd want to do that to." I say with a grin. he dramatically gasps, falling backwards onto Steve's bed. 

"Hows the chest doing?" I ask Steve, hiding the sadness in my eyes with a smile. "Its not too bad, although I'm not allowed to fight. When are you coming back?" he asks, sitting up a bit more. "I don't know, not for a while. I'm not going to come near that place until I have this under control." I tell him, rubbing my forehead. "We could help." he fights, watching me. "I won't put you in the crosshairs like that. I've already hurt you." I shoot back immediately. "She's safe here, and we know how to help powered people. The fact that Coulson and I are in this room with her is a good sign that it won't take too long for her to have it sorted." Daisy tells them, Steve sighing. "Can I at least visit?" he asks, looking hopeful. "No Steve. Not until I know I won't burn another hole in you again." I tell him, it killing me when his face drops. "I miss you." he mutters, wiping his cheek. "I miss you too, and I love you, which is why I don't want to be near you right now." I tell him. "I love you too, and I'll be here waiting for you." he tells me, a hard look on his face. "Don't wait forever. I don't deserve forever." I tell him. "you're right, you deserve more." he tells me, causing me to roll my eyes. "well this got very sappy. think I may just throw up now. How do I get myself one of those epic planes, Coulson? I've had my eye on yours since you got it!" Tony says, changing the conversation. "oh well you have to die from getting stabbed through the heart by an Asgardian prince who is actually a frost giant while trying to form a group of heroes on an airplane." he says casually, causing me to snap my head towards him. 

"wait, Loki killed you?" I ask, an angry look on my face. "yeah. I honestly don't know why your surprised." he says, shrugging. "yeah me neither... Loki is one of my best friends is all, I sometimes forget he has a habit of nearly destroying the earth every few years." I say, rolling my eyes. "you're friends with that evil bastard?" he asks, sitting forward. "yeah.. he's not too bad. A little irritating at times but a nice person." I say, smiling. "I'll see if I can get him to visit, if you'd like?" I say with a grin. "NO don't bring him here!" Coulson shouts, causing me to laugh. A puff of smoke appears, Loki stepping out of it. "Really Loki? You just came because he said he didn't want you to!" I chastise the god as he smirks. "Naturally. Hello Agent Coulson, No hard feelings I hope." he says with a grin, before walking towards me with his arms outstretched. "I wouldn't. I have gotten a habit of burning holes in people." I tell him, pointing to Steve on the camera. "oh... I wish I'd visited sooner are you okay?" he asks, worry on his face.

Suddenly 5 fully armed men burst through the door, pointing their guns at Loki. "oh god, here we go..." Daisy mutters, everyone on the video chat watching with interest. "guys, he's fine for the moment." Coulson tells them, and they don't move a muscle. "Its Fury's orders Sir." one says, and I start worrying about the amount of people in the room. "They won't get out in time if things get hot, theres too many people." I tell Daisy quietly, worry on her face. "can you get out please?" Daisy says with authority. I start to panic as my imagination plays through scenarios, none turning out well. "Not without the criminal." one says, prodding Loki with his gun. "LEAVE!" Coulson roars, the men flinching. "We either find a safe way of transporting him, or he dies but we sure as hell are not leaving!" the man shouts back. I look up at Steve in an attempt to calm down, but the reflection of my red skin on the screen only makes it worse. "Stand back Daisy. We're out of time oh god we're out of time...." I mutter, backing against the wall. "whoa what the fuck..." one of the men mumbles, looking at me. "Can't you see that she's about to blow up or whatever it is she does? I'd suggest leaving." Loki says casually, making his way towards me. "Loki, Now is so not the time, just stay the fuck away!" I shout, a ripple blasting out of me. everyone ducks to avoid the ring of fire that blasts off my skin, the pile of clothes getting caught in the flames and setting alight. The men quickly file out, leaving just Loki and I.

I sigh, sitting down on the bed and rolling over, trying to calm down. Loki sits at my feet, and I glance up at him. "Loki just leave, don't come back down until I've got this sorted." I order him, tears evaporating off my cheeks as he disappears, a worried look on his face. I glance up at the screen, my whole body shaking. "Ryder, its okay. Theres no one you can hurt, you're fine." Natasha says, trying to calm me down. "I'm a fucking idiot. If I hadn't injected myself with that stuff, I'd be there with you, Steve wouldn't have been hurt, the only problem we'd be facing would be the media! Just as I was settling down, thinking that maybe I'd finally found my family, my home, I fuck it all up." I shout, shaking and sobbing into my pillow, no water reaching it of course. "we are still your family. You couldn't have known this would happen! yeah - it was a really fucking dumb thing to do, but no one could have predicted this." Clint tells me, his voice soft. I look up at them, wishing I could just be with them. "I just want to come home." I cry, Tony saying something before picking up the phone. "Its okay. You'll be back here so soon you'll barely notice you left." he tells me, glancing past the camera with a worried expression. "Tony, whats happening?" I ask, confused at the sounds. "Nothing for you to worry about. Just breathe slowly for me, you're going to be okay." I stay on the line chatting with Tony, my skin never fully cooling off. I soon hear a knock at the door, and I sit up. Gemma walks in with a smile as a figure steps out from behind her. I gasp as an Iron man suit walks in, glancing down at Tony. "wait what the fuck?" I ask, looking between the two. Tony smirks and hangs up and I drop my phone to my bed.

The face panel of the suit retracts, revealing Steve's face. "oh my- why the hell are you here, let alone up?" I ask, standing up. "I'm going to be stationed here until you're better, I'm not leaving you alone. I couldn't handle watching you have that reaction to being here alone." he tells me, the rest of his armor falling off his body as he takes my hand. I flinch back, pulling them from his grasp. He just looks me in the eye, before taking them again. "Ryder, you can't hurt me. you could char my skin into my grave and you still won't have hurt me. Come here." He pulls me in for a hug, sobs falling from my lips as I melt against his chest, his hand stroking my hair. I focus on keeping my skin cool, pushing him away when it gets too much. he understands instantly, instead opting to lead me over to my bed, sitting next to me and switching on a film. We stay like that for the rest of the evening and into the night, him cuddled up against my side, his hand around my shoulders, my head against his neck.


	25. Training

I stretch out the next morning, glad I managed to stay awake. Steve is still curled up, his head now in my lap and the duvet thrown over us both. he stirs, looking up at me with a grin. "you slept?" he asks, and I simply shake my head, smiling. "why not?" he asks again, stretching his arms out. "I was with you. I'm not going to sleep if I could end up setting this whole damn bed on fire. anyway, I was drawing you." I grin, holding up my sketchbook. "whoa, thats so accurate.." he mutters, his fingers running over the page. The door opens and Daisy slips in, a pile of clothes in her hand. I got you some more clothes, I also got you some Steve. We were talking last night, and because this is a small place and theres only our team here, we've decided that you can be out and about during the day, although only on the compound. You have surprising control, for someone whos just got their powers." she tells me with a grin. I grasp Steve's hand, smiling down at him and standing up. "thank you Daisy, I really appreciate all you're doing for me." I tell her, smiling. she pulls me in for a hug, telling me that I'm training with her in an hour. Steve and I change, deciding to venture out to find coffee.

We stand in the kitchen, chatting as we sip our drinks. Coulson joins us, smiling at Steve before turning to me. "Daisy is waiting for you in your room. Good luck." he tells me, smiling. "thanks. Maybe while I'm gone you can show Steve your collectable Captain America cards?" I say with a wink. "you can't embarrass me, I had told him about them before Loki stabbed me." he tells me with a smirk, causing me to laugh. "that was really annoying actually, half of them got covered in blood." he tells me, rolling his eyes. "I've got to go, bye!" I say, standing on my tiptoes to press a kiss to Steve's lips, before meeting Daisy.

"Okay, so I know I said training, but I need to do something first. do you mind calling Steve in here?" she asks, smiling at me. "yeah sure, gimme a sec." I return with Steve a moment later. "so I've found evidence that Steve is working against Fury, and with some further digging, we believe he's a mole, working for Hydra." she tells me, a serious look on her face. "What? thats ridiculous." I tell her, grabbing Steve's hand and holding him slightly behind me. "I know, it sounds so obviously false, thats why we refused what we were seeing but its now became undeniable. I'm sorry, Ryder, I know this is hard to hear." she tells me as I let go of Steve's hand, feeling my heart begin to race. She pulls out a handgun and I walk backwards, not moving my eyes from her and gently pinning Steve against the wall, before stepping slightly forward so we don't touch. "Daisy, don't. lets talk this through, please, I really don't want to set you or Steve on fire but I know I will if you don't stop. I tell her, holding my hand out to touch her forearm, watching her flinch at the heat. "see? Its already starting!" I plead, watching her hold up the gun and pointing it directly at Steve. I begin to panic, taking a few deep breaths and one more step away from him. I let go as soon as I'm away from him, quickly grabbing the barrel of her gun and watching it melt under my palm. I try to slow my breathing but it doesn't work, so instead I kick Steve into the box, sealing the door. he runs to the glass, pressing his palms to it with a pleading look in his eyes.

"Ha! that was amazing! you managed to control it enough not to set Steve on fire, but also melted my gun when you needed to! you're already way better than I expected, this won't be hard at all!" she says, clapping her hands. "wh- _what?_ Don't you dare say I almost burnt him again over a fucking progress test?" I shout at her, my skin heating up again. "yeah, sorry. Sorry to you too, Cap, although I doubt that bullet would've ever reached you. I've seen you both fight, you're like fucking ninjas!" she mutters, picking up the now solid lump of metal off the floor. "I'll leave you to calm down, then we'll work on this a bit more. oh- also try to remember how this feels, that way you can recreate it." she tells me, quickly leaving.

I growl, slamming my hand into the door as it closes behind her. I sit down for a moment, getting my breathing under control before letting Steve out. "I think I'm okay now, but I'm still on the hot side so no touching." I tell him, sitting back down. "hows your chest doing? we should probably get Gemma to look at that later, maybe redress it?" I say, my eyes dancing over his bandaged chest. "I think Bruce is speaking to her today. just focus on calming down for now." he says, running his fingers through my hair. I'm soon calm again, Steve pressing a kiss to my lips, his hand sliding up my back, underneath my top. I pull away, before shouting to Daisy. "I'm okay now, I won't kill you" I shout, muttering "probably" afterwards, making Steve laugh. 

Daisy walks in with a smile on her face, watching me as I stand up. "couldn't you have just slapped me or something? I was literally thinking of how I could get out of here with Steve while managing not to set him on fire!" I shout at her, rolling my eyes. "well, that was more fun. C'mon, I want you to bring it back. the next few days will be focused on cooling you off." she tells me, motioning for me to get mad. I manage to, my eyes watching Steve warily as I think of my recurring dream, him dead in my arms. "hold fuck that was quick. Has Bruce been teaching you lessons on how to quickly get mad?" she asks with a laugh. "I just thought of a dream." I mutter, feeling a little uncomfortable with Steve in the room. "okay, tell me how you feel. like do you feel hot, cold?" she asks, taking a couple of steps back for safety. "My skin feels tingly, or maybe its my blood - like theres microscopic needles in my blood." I go with, nodding. "they don't hurt, its not particularly comfortable though." I tell her. "my heart is also hammering out my chest." I say, the pounding sound filling my brain. 

"okay.. the sound of your heart, bring it to the forefront of your mind. I want you to focus, will it to quieten, like turning down the volume." I try it, finally stopping glowing after 20 minutes. "okay! Its way quicker for me to just breathe though." I tell her, shaking my arms out. "for now, but trust me this way will be easier in battle and stuff." I smile at Steve when she mentions battle, and he just rolls his eyes at me. We do that a couple more times, before calling it quits for the day. Steve and I head out to watch some Tv with the team and eat, before retreating back to my room to video chat the rest of the Avengers.

The next 4 following days go very similarly to this, Steve actually challenging May to a fight one of the days, which he only just won. My training with Daisy got better and better every day, I can now drop the heat in the timeframe of 20 seconds to a minute. I can also bring it on much faster the same way, so I don't have to keep thinking about that dream. Gemma keeps Steve's wound clean, me not being able to be in the room when she unwraps the bandages, unable to look at the circular burn. I've also grown much closer to the team - especially Daisy, us bonding over our pasts. 

"well I'm glad I'm not the only person to stick with a name they give themselves as a 9 year old." I say with a laugh after she comments on the cringiness of her old name, Skye. She was put up for adoption as a young baby, only finding her parents when she was older, only to find her dad batshit crazy and injecting himself with experimental drugs to get an artificial strength that made him very unstable, and her mother an inhuman that kills person after person to remain young.

"come on, stop chatting. get hot." she tells me, stepping back as my skin starts to glow. I look at her raising my eyebrow, waiting for her to tell me what we're doing. "so you know the needles in your blood, I want you to pretend you're holding a magnet, all the needles rushing to your hand." she tells me and my other eyebrow raises to meet the first. I shrug, deciding to give it a go. It did not go well. It took a week for me to even get any sort of results, and that was just my hand glowing slightly brighter. Over the 2 weeks after that, I slowly got better and better, eventually managing to get just my forearm and hand to be glowing. I grin, trying to push it further. "thats amazing!" she says, touching my shoulder. "not even slightly warm! you've done it!" she says, pulling me in for a hug as I let the fire go. "so what am I leaning next?" I ask, looking at her. "I was intrigued when you sent out that tidal wave from your body, and thought we might be able to replicate it, but just from one part of your body, maybe you could aim?" she says, smiling.

We work for another week on that, me finally able to reach my peak temperature to create the waves, combining that with the last skill. "we're there!" she shouts, high fiving me. "you, are now one stable little fire demon." she tells me, causing me to laugh. "thank you so much Daisy, this is amazing!" I say, sitting down. "you're going to wanna figure out some sort of fire proof clothing if you're going to be using this, because otherwise you'll be spending your whole life changing into clothes." she laughs, ringing Tony. Steve went home 2 weeks ago, neither of us getting to spend much time together and all the Avengers growing nervous, worrying about the event of an attack. there hasn't been a major threat in a while, which is setting everyone a little on edge. I pack up my things, hugging everyone goodbye as I finally walk outside for the first time in 2 months. "ah, fresh air." i say with a grin, before hopping in a taxi. 

the taxi ride was only 15 minutes, but felt like an eternity. I told him to pull over as soon as the tower was in sight, deciding to sneak up on them. "Miss Moore, welcome back!" JARVIS greets me as I try to shut the AI up. "tsh tsh tsh!" I mutter to him, slipping inside, and running up the stairs. I make it to the communal area, sliding the door open, only to find it empty. I roll my eyes, before heading further up, checking everyones rooms, them all being empty. "what the fuck..." I mutter, placing my stuff down on my bed. I ring Steve's phone, only to find it on his bed. I do the same with everyone, all having the same outcome. I check the gym and the lab, my heartrate climbing exponentially. "J-JARVIS where the fuck are they?" I ask breathlessly, sitting down against the floor. "Miss, I urge you to calm down, you appear to be having a panic attack. Everyone is waiting on the roof yet they were not expecting you home so quickly. I'll alert someone." He tells me as I catch my breath, making my way upstairs and running directly into Steve, a soft "oh!!" falling from my lips.

I look over his body, A black suit making him look absolutely dashing, his hair gelled back slightly. "Steve!" I shout, leaping into his arms as he spins me around. "Hiya love, how are you?" he asks, putting me down. "I'm fully in control!" I say, grinning. he smiles back instantly, taking my hand and leading me to my room. We thought we'd celebrate you returning, we were just setting things up. to be honest we didn't expect you back so early today, which leaves us some time while they finish up." he tells me as we sit down on the bed. "So tell me about SHIELD and your training." he says, sitting against the wall. "It was actually super boring after you left, I mainly just stayed in my room because no one trusted my progress." I tell him as I strip off and step into the shower, leaving the door open so we can still talk. "well thats shit. things were pretty boring here too - well as boring as they can get with Tony around. There were a few missions, nothing too major, just yknow everyday stuff." he tells me, sighing. I wash the shampoo out of my hair, relishing in the warm water. The showers at the SHIELD base were hardly able to be called showers, more like trickling lukewarm water.

"I can help out in battles now, I literally have laser beams in my hands!" I boast, grinning. "as if Tony would let you fight, anyways, the media is still after you." he tells me, snorting at my comment. "ughhh fuck the media. why the hell do they still care about the odd british girl?" I mutter, rolling my eyes. "well you did disappear for 3 months. Tony is going to make up a reason for you to be with us again, I think he's going to use your new element." Steve tells me casually, my eyes going wide. "My element. not my serum, my element. I can't let people inject themselves with that stuff." I say, defensively. "yeah, everyone agrees." he says sadly, my face falling in shame about the burn on his chest. "Steve.. I'm so sorry about your chest, I wish I could take everything that happened back." I tell him nervously, wrapping myself in a towel to dry off. "Its fine, you didn't mean to. I just don't want anyone else to get those powers." he tells me, sighing. I quickly slip on a dress, no longer in the mood to celebrate. "come on, lets head upstairs." I tell him, waiting at the door. He smiles, handing up and we ride the elevator up in silence, the chilly evening breeze hitting my skin as the door opens to the roof. "Ryder!" Natasha shouts, running over to me to hug me, but clearly thinking twice. I glance down at the ground, feeling my shoulders slouch a little bit before plastering a smile on my face and looking up. "Hey, Nat." I say quietly, smiling softly. 

"hey kiddo! hows the setting things on fire going?" Tony asks, leaning against the table. "good good, I only set things on fire when I want to now!" I laugh, before putting a tissue in my hand and grinning up at him. I keep my eyes on him as I push the needles towards my palm, the tissue instantly going up in flames. "OH FUCK JESUS CHRIST!" I shout, hopping about holding my wrist. Apparently my skin is still burnable when its not burning up, and as I only had my palm red, my fingers got caught in the flames. "whoa what the fuck happened!" Bruce shouts, running over and awkwardly lingering, unsure of what to do. "Nothing.. I'm fine Bruce, just my skin is still able to get burnt when its normal apparently." I mutter, letting my hand drop to my side. "You know what, I think I'm just going to go to bed. I'll see you all tomorrow." I say with a sigh, walking into the elevator before slipping into my room, locking the door behind me. I slip carefully out of my dress, putting some leggings and a hoodie on, before grabbing my telescope out, brushing some dust off it. I watch the stars for hours, hearing as the Avengers slowly make their ways to bed. I hear my phone buzz on my bed, walking over to check the group chat.

_How's the hand? -T_

_its fine, nothing bad I was just surprised. -R_

_You've got to be careful, maybe it might be better if you just try to not use your powers? all they've done is hurt people so far. -C_

_yeah. I'm going to bed, night. -R_

I reply after a second, feeling completely numb. I throw my phone onto my bed, before slipping on a pair of jeans and heading downstairs, carefully leaving the tower and laying down on the grass, the pile of drawings I had done while at SHIELD in my hand. I flick through them all, not a tear slipping down my numb face as I stare at my old family. I sigh, not feeling anything - just completely numb as I stare at the pile, watching my hand grow red and flames slowly ingulf the pile, sitting up watching the dancing flames until all thats left in my hands is a pile of ash. I let the wind take the ashes from my hand, watching as the dark grains float away from me in silence. I continue to watch the darkness, even though I can no longer see the pale grey dust, my mind completely empty as I shiver against the damp grass. 

The sun slowly begins to rise, and I pull myself up, watching as the sky turns from black, to dark blue, to red, to orange, then finally to blue. I sigh, standing up and slipping back inside, heading back to my room and ignoring Tony when he opens his door, instead opting to slip into my room, locking my own door behind me.


	26. the support of a family

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is a mess XD

Its maybe about 3pm when the assemble alarm goes off, and I change too, slipping out of my window to follow the Avengers as they jog across new york, laughing and joking. we finally reach the battle sight, only to see a portal opening in the sky, aliens flying out of it. "this is going to be a little more than some quick cleanup mission. This looks similar the to Battle of new york portal, maybe its Chitari again?" Tony says as they slow to a stop. "Doesn't look like it. its going to be a familiar fight, everyone keep each others backs, okay?" Steve says, glancing around. I nod even though they can't see me. I'll have everyones back, Steve, no one is going to get hurt. 

they launch into battle, me staying crouched behind my bush for a minute, before leaping out, pressing my now red hot hand to the aliens head, it dying of the heat. I grin, taking out a few more before ducking behind a car. A line of aliens come at me, so I glance around, making sure no one is watching, before heating my hands, sending out lines of fire, burning through the aliens, cutting them in half. I turn, hearing at least one alien shoot under the car at me, so I lean against the grey car, it quickly turning to red as it melts under my skin, it covering the alien as it turns to grey again. I do a double take as I catch my reflection in the metal, my eyes changed from a green to a red, even though my body is cooled off. I breathe slowly, watching my eyes fade to green. Interesting. No one has ever mentioned my eyes doing that before. my thoughts get interrupted when something hits me over the head, "ow you bitch." I mutter, turning to burn a hole through the alien. I prod at the tender skin on forehead, feeling it swell up. "well thats just perfect." I moan, thinking about how i'm supposed to hide that from Steve and Tony. 

the fight draws to a close as I slip into a building watching as they clean up. "holy shit, Tony, look." Clint says, pointing to the line of aliens all seared in half. "they've been.. burnt?" Tony says, a confused look on his face as his facepiece snaps up. "they've been burnt." he says quickly, looking up at the others. "Someone find Ryder, she's been here." he tells them, sighing, an angry look on his face. "holy shit, you think Ryder did this? thats epic!" Nat says, grinning. "yeah epic, until she loses control and hurts somebody. I mean the logical thing for her to do now is to try and not use her powers, I thought she'd see that!" Tony shouts, clearly mad as he scans the buildings. I feel myself go numb as I slip out of the building, hurrying home and locking myself in my room, shaking off my hands as they begin to feel prickly. I understand that they don't trust these powers, but they should trust me enough to know that I wouldn't go into a fight like that unless I knew I could handle it. they let Bruce fight, for gods sake, and yet they get worried about me. I punch the wall, flopping down onto my bed. 

"I find punching bags better for - y'know, punching." Steve's soft voice tells me from the other side of my door. "Good to know." I mutter, not wanting to talk. "can I come in?" he asks softly as I roll my eyes. what the hell happened to Steve letting himself in, wrapping me in a hug with a laugh, his lips on my cheek. _you burnt a fucking hole through his chest, thats what happened you idiot._ I softly open the door, turning around to return to my bed. "you know we know you were there, and I know you heard our conversation. I know this, because I saw you running off, your face blank and your hands shaking." He tells me, sitting down in front of me. "That was mental, I mean you burnt those guys in half! thats some pretty impressive stuff right there." he tells me, joining me on my bed. "yeah.. Burning holes through peoples chests is madly impressive." I mutter, my now shoulder length hair falling over my face. he places a hand on my knee, my eyes instantly snapping up to his, an eyebrow raised. "have you slept? or even eaten? god you look like shit!" he says, his eyes filling with worry. "forever the charmer, ey Steve? I'm fine, I can handle myself. I'm not going to set the place on fire, or hurt someone, so you can all stop staring at me." I tell him, knowing I'm being harsh, his face falling.

"Steve.. I'm sorry, this is unfair. You guys have every right to be worried, you literally have the scars to prove it. I was so pushed down by everyone at SHIELD, everything was so madly different, I was just stupid and hoped everything would be normal when I got home." I admit, his hand still on my knee, now rubbing soothing circles over my skin. "It can't be normal though, everythings changed. I mean I have these powers, the very ones that first showed themselves by almost killing you!" I say, brushing his hand up and casually standing up, running a hand through my hair, separating the knotty waves, sighing.

"I wish I could go back and tell myself not to be an idiot.. hindsight is a powerful thing, but it is what it is now. Neither of us will ever be able to get the image of my hand dripping with your blood out of our heads, and thats how it is." I say harshly, turning to face Steve, his face drenched in pain. "I- I have no clue what to say. I don't even know if theres something I can say! We all care about you Ryder, and we always will. We're just worried for you, but we also love each other, and we worry about each other too." he explains, standing too, holding a hand out but never touching me. "I know, I understand you. Thats the hard thing - I can't hate you lot, what you're doing is completely rational. Everyone that I've ever loved, I've been able to let go of easily, because they've done something I can't forgive. I can't here, and that fucking hurts my head." I tell him, holding my palm to my forehead, pondering heating up my hand, letting my palm burn right through my skull. 

"Come on, Bruce needs to look at that black eye." he says quietly after a moment of silence, motioning towards the door. I smile, carefully removing my hand. "my eye is fine. better not let Bruce touch me anyways, don't want to worry anyone. I'm just going to get a shower and head down to the workshop." I tell him, walking into my bathroom and shutting the door, blinking and looking up to try and ward away the tears, before letting the soft water fall over my skin. I step out the shoer, throwing on a basic outfit, not paying too much attention to what, before heading down to the lab and opening up a notepad. the first thing I do is rip out all the pages on my serum, also collecting the extra I had made, before watching it burn in my palms. I vaguely notice Tony walking in half way through my mad burning rampage, him not saying anything as he gets on with his work. I pull out everything I have on Rydium, noting down some observations I make of the mysterious fluid, before setting up some background tests that JARVIS can run. "okay J, get those tests going please." I say, placing my pen behind my ear. "right away, I'll inform you as soon as they're complete." he tells me, a smile forming on my face. "thanks J." I mutter, pulling my book open. I start sketching, a habit I've picked up when I'm not sure what to work on. I look down at the simple sketch, a girl with half a head of hair, it flowing in waves behind her, the tips now red instead of blue. she has a tight top on, it starting as an opaque crop top, a layer of lace over her stomach and shoulders, leading down to the tight, plain trousers. I sigh, realizing my fantasy too late. I'm not some superhero like the Avengers, I'm a mistake, an abomination, one that should be destroyed.

I freeze at that, realizing what needs to happen. I can't live out my life like this, and I know the Avengers won't give up on me if I simply move out. Its now just a case of how and when, and finding a way to make it the least painful for these people. I'll obviously need to detach myself from everyone, but not make it obvious. I'll need to play the long game - to trick their minds to care less and less before they hardly remember me at all. The how is the tricky one. A gun is too obvious, poison too slow as Bruce will be able to fix that, maybe burning? although I think my body will give out before I die from my powers..

my thoughts are interrupted my Tony as he walks over to me, Clint's bow in hand. "Hi Ryder, Clint roughed up the bow you made him, and I was wondering if you could give me a hand. I'm having a little trouble figuring out the workings of it." he tells me with a smile. "You're Tony Stark, I'm sure you can understand a simple bow, but I'll send you the blueprints anyway." I tell him, pulling my phone out. "you're right, I could fix this myself, but you've been staring at a blank page for 20 minutes and I've missed you, so please, could you help me?" he asks, still smiling. I sigh, carefully standing up and following him back to his work area. "Tony.. this is a one person job. It literally just needs these 2 wires soldering." I tell him, pointing to the exposed wires. I grab the reel of solder, pulling a small bit up and letting it melt on my finger, flinching as Tony takes a step back, before sealing the 2 wires together. "there." I say, picking up the bow and aiming it at the target in the corner of the room, firing an arrow. "fixed." I tell him, holding out the bow as he stares at the arrow, deeply wedged into the center of the target. "thanks.." he mutters, taking the bow off me. "are you okay?" he asks as I walk away, making me stop. "I'm fine, I'm in control, I'm not going to hurt anyone." I tell him harshly, rushing back to the comfort of my room before sitting down. 

The next morning I hear a commotion going on down in the communal area, so I decide to investigate. I walk in to find Clint and Natasha, both with weapons pointed at Loki. I roll my eyes at the god, making my way towards him. "Look, I'm just here to see her, I'm sure you know she's going through a rough time right now." he tells Natasha, her face alight with anger. "Not as hard of a time as the rest of us, especially Steve! She's not stable, you're not going to help with that. Just leave, Loki, save yourself the pain." She tells him, her eyes flickering to me as I flinch. "Don't look so sympathetic, its not like I didn't already know you felt that way, so don't sweat it." I turn to see Steve with his shield and Tony with the arm of his suit on, both with the same look, causing me to roll my eyes. "I'm not going to hurt Loki, if you want we can speak outside, across the field from each other. I won't burn him or myself, just like I won't burn you lot." I snap at them. Clint's eyes instantly flicker to Steve, causing me to look at the ground. I shake out my hands, the tingle starting to appear as I panic. "Fuck.." I mutter, recognising the upcoming panic attack as my legs give out. Loki instantly rushes to my side, his hand on my arm. I punch him in the chest, wheezing. "stay the fuck away from me Loki, I'm having a panic attack. Don't be an idiot!" I tell him with a scowl, fighting off the needles. "I'm not being an idiot, you are in control." he tells me calmly, returning his hand. "I'm in control now, but I burnt through Steve during a panic attack during a dream, so get your hand off me!" I shout, shoving him again. "that was before your training. you said you wanted to prove to them you're in control, you're having one of the worst panic attacks I've ever seen from you and your skin isn't even warm!" he tells me, placing his hands on my face. I glance at Steve with a panicked look, unable to form words as I splutter, searching for air. "Help.. I can- can't..." I whimper, curling up on the floor, my arms forming an X over my chest. I snap my eyes open, making my arms burn up.

"oh god here we go.." Bruce mutters and I lock my eyes on him as I feel the burn begin. "no.. she trained for so long to be able to focus it, this is her. Someone get those fucking arms off her chest!" Steve shouts, running over to me and crouching down in front of my face. "Im sorry, I can't let you do this to yourself. "I'm dying Steve, let me go faster!" I shout, my mind not working anymore with lack of oxygen. I feel a cool hand touch my arms and I instantly push the heat away, looking up at Steve's amazed face. "see, you won't hurt me, I just grabbed your arms, glowing red hot, and during a panic attack and look - no burns." he tells me, holding his hands up. He pulls me into his lap, holding me against his chest as he mutters calming words into my ear, my eyes slipping shut. I open them again as soon as I can breathe, instantly pulling away from Steve. "I- uh.. thank you, but don't do something stupid like touch me mid panic attack Steve, I've already hurt you enough." I mutter, running off to my room. 

I sit down on my bed, images flashing before my eyes of the attack, everyones panicked faces, the burning in my skull. Its been so long since I've had one, I completely forgot how to deal with it, my mind just flashing with morbid images of me slowly dying from suffocation in the middle of the room, maybe the worst way to go. It would have been slow, and with everyone there, there's no way that they wouldn't suffer. I remember the agony of realizing I needed to die, faster, to save them the pain. Crossing my arms over my chest, burning them up to the highest I could muster, that wasn't the thing that hurt. Seeing the look on Steve's face, watching him reach for my arms, that _Hurt._ I poke gently at the now tender skin, pulling my top away to reveal the blistered skin. I wince, hissing at the searing pain as the fabric touches it. "Fuck... that was so not a good idea." I mutter, rolling my eyes.

"need me to take a look at that?" Bruce asks softly walking into my room and leaning against the wall. I quickly pull my t shirt over my head and stand up. "Can we talk? I haven't talked to you since this has happened - not just us anyways. I know that you probably feel alone, like we don't understand - and we don't - but ew have an idea what being out of control is like. None of us knew what to expect with you coming home, we're just feeling a little lost." He tells me, walking over and placing his hand on my arm. "I know I'm shutting you out and acting like a brat, but thats my defense mechanism. I know I can control this." I tell him, making a small flame in the palm of the arm he is holding, letting the flames dance between my fingers. "A month ago I couldn't focus to one part of my body, but I made sure I had everything under control before I came back. see? I'm fine." I tell him, slightly more defensive than I should be. "oh I know you are - I know control well. I just had to take some time to figure out what your control looks like - and how stable it is. You're so strong, it took me so long to get to where you are. I'm still not fully in control of this guy, he has his own personality and likes to play up, but all that you need is ways keep it down until you need it, and you seem to have that covered." he tells me with a grin. "Thanks Bruce, god, I'm just - everything is different and you don't know how desperate I am for it to go back." I tell him, unsure of why I'm being so open with him. Bruce and I have never had this sort of relationship, yet I melt into his hug. "It will. give it time." he mumbles into my hair. 

He eventually leaves and I lay back on my bed, feeling completely exhausted. Tony slips into my room next, acting more awkward than I've ever seen him. "Is this the new hot place to visit or something?" I say with a yawn, sitting up. Tony smiles softly, walking further into my room. "We all just feel bad, we underestimated you. we still don't know how to act." he tells me, sitting down on the corner of my bed. "I'm not going to do the whole dramatic speech thing because I'm sure Bruce and Steve have already covered them, but I just wanted to come and apologize for not trusting you." he tells me. "Its fine Tony, I understand. You did the logical thing, and I can't hold that against you." I say with another yawn, rubbing my face. "You look tired, you should probably get some rest. Its been an intense couple of days." He tells me, placing a comforting hand on my shoulder. "Nope. what I need is a bucket of coffee." I tell him standing up. "If you're worried about nightmares I can get Steve for you?" he asks, looking worried. I scoff at that, turning to raise an eyebrow at the man. "yeah, because that went so well last time. Look, I'm fine, I just don't feel comfortable sleeping when the last time I almost burnt down the building." I tell him, walking into the elevator and heading downstairs, pouring myself a coffee.

I lean against the work surface, looking out the large window and watching the peaceful field. "Miss Moore, Dr Banner wishes to see you in his room after your coffee." JARVIS tells me, making me jump. "yeah ok, tell him I'll be up in a minute." I say, downing the rest of my coffee and washing it up. I walk into Bruce's room, smiling at the doctor. "whats up?" I ask him, leaning against the doorframe. "Come here, lay down." he tells me, whizzing around his room and doing god knows what. I do as he says, a little confused. "I'm going to remove your top, is that okay?" he asks, awkwardly lingering. "You literally saw me without it on half an hour ago." I tell him with a smile as I carefully pull the material over my head. "I just wanted to check your burns, they looked bad earlier." he tells me, pouring a liquid onto a cloth. "this is going to hurt like hell." he tells me, placing the cloth over the X shaped burn. I gasp, balling his sheets up in my palms. "I'm sorry, I needed to clean it." he tells me as he pulls the cloth away and I let out the breath I didn't know I was holding. He rubs a soothing cream into the wounds, before wrapping my whole chest in bandage and helping me get my top back on. "you really didn't need to help, but thank you." I tell him, pulling him in for a quick hug. "anytime. I'm pretty sure I'm literally a doctor now, I seem to be the dedicated fixer upper after missions." he tells me with a laugh as I sit up. 


	27. when all hope is lost

After an hour of sitting in my room, unsure of what to do, I quickly find myself back in the lab. I pull out my book again, my mind drifting back to its previous topic. I'm still certain that I need to find a way to leave the avengers, knowing that my new habit of almost dying, or almost killing someone then reacting badly as I have no clue how to react is taking a toll on the team, the problem that keeps arising is how I'm to do this. Its gotten majorly out of hand, my life is somehow completely entwined with theirs. I start scribbling down ideas, writing notes all around them until the page is filled.

_- **Leave** (Bad idea, they always find me somehow) -ASGARD_

_- **separation** \- break up with Steve? - LOKI_

_- **die slightly?** \- Would have to find a permanent damaging way, Bruce will save me - ASGARD - they'll just save me too._

I sigh, resting my head against the table and seeing a clear trend - I need to call Loki. Even if I just spend a few days on Asgard bouncing ideas off him, it'll help. I get up, walking outside before sitting down on the grass. "hey Heimdall? I feel like Loki has you watching me, so I'm guessing you know of my current situation. I understand that Thor has Loki busy with stuff there so he can't come and visit, especially as he was here so recently, but could you maybe bring me to him? I don't know how this all works but I really do need to talk to him." I say, looking upwards. The Bifrost opens in front of me, so I stand back, watching the gold clad man appear, leaving the gate open. "I'll bend the rules for your situation. You may want to message your friends though, they worry about you." he tells me, his face remaining plain and emotionless. I smile at him, pulling my phone out.

_hello, I'm heading to Asgard for a few days to clear my mind, if you need me just tell a dude called Heimdall that you want to talk to me, you can't see him but he can see you. I'll see you all soon x -R_

_okay, have a good time. say hi to Thor for us! -S_

I shut off my phone, Heimdall taking my hand as we walk into the Bifrost, falling out into the golden dome. Heimdall removes the sword from its holder as I sit up, brushing myself off. "thank you so much" I say with a smile. "I do not deny that you make mistakes, but you have a good heart. Come back to me when you are ready to leave, I'll return you home." Heimdall tells me, and I turn, making my way towards the golden castle. I don't make it 3 steps down the bridge before Thor flies over to me, landing gracefully in front of me. "Charlotte! a pleasure to see you! my brothers are good, yes?" he asks grinning. "yeah, everyones good. Its nice to see you too. Could you tell me where to find Loki?" I ask him, returning the smile. "He is in a meeting currently, but I'll take you to my mother. She has been begging Loki to bring you back." he tells me, wrapping an arm around my waist before spinning mejnir, taking off suddenly. we land on a golden balcony, Thor letting go of my waist. "I have to head off I'm afraid, I hope to see you again before you leave." he tells me, pressing a kiss to my cheek. "Bye Thor, see you later!" I shout as he flies away, turning to see Frigga behind me, a soft, pale gold dress hanging from her pale skin. She envelops me in a hug, grinning. "My dear, how nice it is to see you! my son has been in bits since your accident." she tells me, letting me go. "Its lovely to see you too! Things certainly have been different, people tend not to trust me anymore. Anyway, how have things been with you?" I ask, smiling softly. "Thats such a shame. Stupid people. Things are okay here, but tension is rising with Odin talking about stepping down. Thor is next in line for the throne, but he doesn't particularly want it. Loki is very jealous, he's always wanted the throne, and he doesn't see it fair that Thor is getting it. he keeps trying to impress his father, which - well - it just is a bit of a mess." she tells me with a laugh.

I spend a few hours with Frigga, catching up, showing her my powers. at one point, Sif comes to see me at one point, us having shared a few conversations when I was last here, one ending in her demonstrating some fighting tactics on me, her movements too fast for me to even begin to comprehend. "ah! Charlotte, you've returned!" she says, shaking my hand. "Hey Sif!" I greet her with a smile. "I've heard rumor of your new power - may I see?" she asks, excitement covering her face. My eyes glow red as I hold my half empty glass of water in my hand, being careful not to melt the metal goblet as I quickly evaporate the water. "wow.." she mutters, watching as my arm quickly fades back to normal. I smirk at her amazed expression, before she quickly leaves, needing to get back to training new warriors.

I fold myself up onto Loki's bed, a book in my lap as I wait for the prince. Frigga was needed for some official business and hurried off, leaving me to wander the castle, quickly finding myself back in the familiar room. "Charlotte!" Loki exclaims as he comes into the floor, lifting me off the ground and spinning me around. "hiya! sorry for the surprise visit, I just needed a friend." I tell him, melting under his familiar hands. "Come here, sit, tell me whats happening." he says, sitting down on his bed and holding his arms out to me. I sit down facing him and he rests his palms on my knees, a small gesture but instantly making me feel loved in my current state. I'm so used to constant small touches and hugs from the Avengers, so I feel deprived of contact. "I've missed you, for starters, but also these bloody powers. No one trusts me. no one touches me, they have all these awkward chats with me saying that they care about me, then I overhear them saying that I'm unstable and out of control. Like honestly, what do you think I just spent the last 3 months doing? sipping margaritas on a beach?" I say, finally letting out my emotions. Loki wraps me in a hug, and I completely melt into him. "oh god thats horrible..." he mutters into my hair, pressing a soft kiss to my skull. "well I heard things aren't too fun for you around here." I say, pushing the conversation away to a different path. "yeah well thats nothing.. anyway, I have a plan for that." he tells me with a classic Loki grin. "oh yeah?" I say, grinning up at him. "I'm going to come down to earth and earn the trust of you mortals, and show my father I'm able to control the 9 realms!" he tells me as I raise an eyebrow. "Loki this doesn't sound like a very good plan to me." I tell him, turning to face him. "I can't do it without you, so how about we talk tomorrow, yeah? its late, and you're tired." he tells me, stroking my hair. "I can't sleep." I tell him, looking into his eyes. "You won't hurt me. If you burn up I'll wake you. you're fine, I'm here."

His words ring through my mind as we pull the duvet over ourselves, my head resting on my best friends chest as he pulls off his shirt, complaining about an itchy label. "Why the hell do labels even exist?" he moans, rolling around. "So you know how to wash the damn thing. shut up, i'm trying to sleep." I tell him, punching him softly. "ugh- Its coming off, you'll just have to deal with my ripped abs." he jokes as he pull his shirt off, revealing his lightly toned chest and stomach. "I think I'll survive. I've slept on a super soldiers chest before." I tell him, knowing he'll get jealous. "yeah? well who taught you to fight?" he asks, raising an eyebrow. I laugh, looking up at him. "Thats so hilariously unrelated you weird jealous god. sleepy times now, goodnight." I tell him, my hand resting on his abdomen. "Night." he replies with a chuckle as I drift off to sleep.

I wake up the next morning feeling fully rested and amazed that I didn't kill anyone in the night. "Morning, how are you feeling?" Loki asks softly, running his fingers through my soft hair. "I'm okay, what do you have planned for today?" I ask, knowing that he'll probably be busy. "We're going back to earth, and we're going to show the avengers how powerful you are, while probably making them a bit jealous." he tells me with a smirk. "okay... so whats the plan?" I ask, sitting up. "We need to control the humans to earn their respect, at least at first. We go down there, show them our power and make them see that they should be grateful for us!" he tells me, sounding excited. "Loki, that is the worst fucking idea I've ever heard! What the hell? how sound like a manic!" I tell him, laughing and rolling my eyes. "Okay fine, we'll think of another plan. Just get ready, we leave soon." he tells me, annoyance in his voice. I brush the tone off and get a quick shower, picking up the outfit Loki has left me. "Loki what the hell is this?" I ask him, holding up the tight black outfit. "Okay, so I had an idea based on a sketch Heimdall told me about. We need to dye the tips of your hair red! how did I forget!" He rushes around, grabbing the dye before sitting me down. I just let him have his fun, a little bewildered. 

After a trim and the dying, I have my black hair, freshly bleached and dyed so half of it is now red instead of blue. "I'm not going to lie, I look epic." I tell him, grinning. "okay, now for the outfit." he tells me, handing the pile of black to me. "Loki... I'll look ridiculous!" I tell him, my eyes widening at the tightness. "what did you think I meant by make them jealous? just trust me, it'll work." he tells me, so I go with what he says, slipping into the bathroom to pull the tight trousers over my legs, followed by the basically-a-black-sports-bra vest top, and pulling the tight fitting leather jacket on over the top. I have to admit, the physics of this jacket make no sense. even though the zip is undone, the fabric clings to my sides. I sigh, pulling on the black boots with buckles down the side, feeling powerful as I look in the mirror. The trousers are low cut showing the whole of my stomach, the pale skin stretched over my not-quite-a-six-pack. I line my eyes with red eyeliner, smudging it roughly before applying a line of black over the top, before painting my lips bright red. I head out to meet Loki, doing a twirl. "you are going to take that planet by storm. You look epic!" he tells me, hugging me. "lets go, this is our window." he says, pointing at a window. "you get it? it is literally our window!" he tells me, grinning as he pulls us both out of the window, us landing on a topless plane type thing. Loki quickly takes out the driver, directing us towards the mountains. "we can't take the Bifrost, Heimdall will have seen my plans. we have to go the hard way." he mutters, sighing. "Loki you're not still clinging to that dumbass idea are you?" I ask, astonished at his idiocy. "We'll talk about it when we get to earth." he mumbles, looking away. I sigh, sitting down on the floor.

After the terrifying experience of thinking we were going to crash into the cliff face, we finally arrive in New York. Loki lands us in an abandoned building site, grabbing his scepter out of the plane. "okay. explain." I say, crossing my arms. "is there anything I can say to make you believe in this plan?" he asks, and I simply shake my head. "then I'm very sorry about this, but it seems I need to make you agree." he comes towards me, tapping me on the chest with the pointy end of his scepter, my mind going blank.

"Sorry, what were we talking about?" I ask, my mind scrambling as I search through my memories. "Our plan. we need to work out details." he tells me, smiling kindly. "ah yeah of course. So obviously the Avengers won't agree, which is idiotic, so what do we do there?" I ask, raising my eyebrow. "we keep a low profile, we build from the ground up." he tells me, grinning. we spend the next weeks gaining followers, moving around the whole world before coming back to New York, a large group of supporters on our side. "Join us, we are your freedom, but also your safety. You think the Avengers can bring you peace, yet you watch as they kill, cheering them on? its okay to be fooled, what matters is how you respond. Will you continue in the ways of these 'heroes in spangly suits' or will you fight back?" Loki shouts, his voice booming over the large crowd of party goers as I watch from the back. He throws me a grin as mumbles of agreement erupt from the crowd, and I nod back to him. Suddenly a shield knocks him down, and he sends me a signal to run. We had discussed what to do here, both agreeing that I could be a great weapon against the Avengers, but It has to be at the right time. To be honest I don't want to hurt my friends, but I will if they continue to insist on getting in the way.

Luckily for us, they focus on getting the civilians out, giving us an opportunity to slip away as they deal with the now protesting crowds. we laugh as we slow to a walk, returning to the abandoned building site. "Now it is time, my love, you wait here, use your phone like we talked about, I'll gather more followers." he tells me, running off. I pull out my phone, dialing Gemma. "hey Gem! I was wondering if we could talk?" I ask, smiling as she agrees. all I need to do is keep it running for 2 minutes or so, I know that Tony would have a tracker running for me. "thanks Gem, but I've gotta go. It was nice catching up with you!" I tell her, shutting off my phone and getting into a good position. I hear a plane land and slink back into the shadows, watching as the team hesitantly walks around the corner. "Ryder?" Tony shouts, looking around. I jump on top of a storage box silently, landing on Tony's back and burning my hand through his suit, destroying the electronics so he can't move. "Ryder what the fuck???" he asks, clearly struggling against the suit. "You lot are getting in the way. I won't hurt you unless I have to, but Loki is a visionary!" I tell him, smiling. "what the fuck..." Clint mutters, them all frozen as they watch what happens. "Hey guys, hows it going for you lot? You might not remember, but I'm the annoying girl who got powers and almost killed you all, but hey! I'm doing okay for myself now." I say, noticing the changes that have happened since I last saw them, almost 5 months ago. Steve looks rough, his hair growing longer, while Nat and Clint just look angry and hurt. "Okay, so I honestly don't want to fight you, which presents a problem, as Loki has told me to stop you. So, either you leave us be, or you fight." I tell them, resting my arms at my sides, and watching as Steve carts the frozen Iron Man suit out of harms way. 

Clint shoots 3 arrows at me and I dodge them all, turning to look at them again. "ah, so thats your choice. interesting." I say with a smirk, running towards Natasha. After 3 minutes, I finally manage to get Clint down, all the while dodging Nat's bullets, and deal a final blow to his face, knocking him unconscious. I know Loki wants me to kill them, but I don't think I have it in me. I run at Nat, Steve still trying to haul the metal suit out of the battle field as I keep moving further towards it, trying to postbone the time that I have to fight him. "Holy shit, Steve, her eyes! Loki is using his scepter thingy to control her, like he did with Clint all that time ago." Nat says breathlessly, avoiding my punch. "Perfect. just perfect. how do we snap her out of it?" he asks, turning to face us. "Full factory reset. she needs to be hit on the head. hard. " she says as I throw a punch at her, her avoiding it perfectly. "not likely. I've just had my eyes opened." I tell them, groaning as Nat lands a punch to my stomach, and I heat it up, grinning as she pulls her now red hand back. "oh my god did she burn you?" Steve asks in shock as she stumbles back. "yeah, but not badly. she doesn't want to hurt us." Nat predicts and I smile. "you're right, you are making this very hard for me. I still love you all, as childish as it is, but I have no choice." I say, throwing another punch at Nat. "Ryder, theres always a choice." she tells me, and I throw a kick to her stomach, using it as a distraction to knock her out cold. 

I turn to Steve, stopping dead in my tracks as he stalks towards me. "Steve please don't hurt me, I don't want to burn you again." I plead with him. "I won't hurt you, I'm just stalling." he says, throwing his shield at me, which I catch, my arm heating up. "You know I will." I threaten, looking deep into his eyes. "Ryder don't make me fight you, this isn't you." he tells me walking towards me. I place my hand on his cheek for a minute, looking into his beautiful blue eyes. "My love, how I wish you could see as I do, so I wouldn't have to do this." I tell him, keeping our eyes locked as I swipe his legs from beneath him, slamming his sword down towards him. He rolls out the way, leaving the vibranuim buried into the concrete. "Wow I'm really glad that didn't hit you, why the hell is it that hard?" I ask, my eyes widening at the damage. He ignores me and instead throws a punch at my stomach, his other hand making a grab for my leg. I let him get it, using his arm to boost my other leg around his neck and tightening it around his neck. He pulls me off, throwing me at the ground while throwing a kick to his shield, it becoming dislodged. he throws punches at my face, all landing on the concrete. I land a kick on his chest, before quickly scrambling to my feet and making my way towards him. He sticks his arm out past my ear, a desperate look in his eye as I raise an eyebrow, confused at what he was doing. suddenly I'm falling forwards, landing on Steve's chest, the back of my head erupting into flames as my vision gets covered in white spots, which quickly fade to black. 


	28. To make it up to you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fuck I just realized I've made her hair grow from a boy cut to long in a year... also sorry if it gets a bit angsty I've been an idiot and now I'm sad

Why does it always end up with Ryder passed out in a bed? how can one person be so accident prone?" I hear a voice joke, followed by some shuffling. I keep my eyes shut, still trying to figure out who the people are. "I don't think its accident prone, just that shes a girl that has no self preservation instincts who is friends with 2 Asgardians and a bunch of Avengers." another comments, that voice sounding more familiar. I feel a weight on my bed, followed my a weight in my hand. I instantly hold tightly to the familiar feeling, some memories coming back now. Avengers.. oh shit I fought the avengers. "She should be waking up soon. I can't believe she redyed her hair, Although it does suit her powers." I recognize the first voice to be Tony, pleased at the progress. "oh shes awake already, she squeezed my hand. I think shes either confused or eavesdropping." Steve laughs, his voice right next to me. "Neither, I'm just wondering how I won a fight against all of you." I say, opening one eye and squinting into the bright lights. "pfff we let you win!" Clint says from across the room, perching on top of a cabinet. "mmhmm yeah keep telling yourself that Katniss." I say, grinning. "Is your suit okay?" I ask, turning to Tony, suddenly remembering the damage I did. "Yeah its fine, JARVIS is running some scans then it'll be repairs. I have backups, anyways." he tells me while leaning back in his chair.

After Bruce coming to check everything, telling me I'll have a bad concussion and a few bruises, everyone slowly leaves the room, Steve lingering behind. I scoot over in the bed, patting the space next to me. He grins, climbing under the covers next to me and taking my hand in his. "So you're all Loki free?" he asks, smiling softly. "yep, still can't believe he had the cheek to brainwash me though. We need to stop him." I say, looking at Steve. "yeah. can you help? y'know after your head is better obviously." he says, his hand ghosting over the back of my head. "what do you mean? I can tell you some information but all my memories from that time are a little fuzzy..." I tell him, my head aching as I try to remember the last few months. "how long has it even been?" I ask suddenly, my eyes snapping to the grass outside. "Months. its July." he tells me, clutching my hand tightly. "oh god I'm so sorry.." I mutter, placing my forehead on his shoulder. "Its okay, We all missed you so much. Tony and I got talking too, eventually we had a big group meeting. If we go to stop Loki, you're just going to come with us, won't you?" he asks, looking down at me. "Most definitely." I tell him nodding, a grin breaking out over my face. "we thought so, which is why we were talking. you're almost 21 and we think that perhaps we've been being harsh about this whole kid-who-we-won't-let-fight thing. You act older than you are, and we were - are - just worried about you. you're so skilled in combat, and the control you have with your powers is incredible, so we want to train you." he tells me, a nervous smile on his face. "wait train me as in.." I ask, my brain being a little slow. "we want to train you to fight properly as a team. we want to start a trial period, because we think it might be time for you to join us out there." he tells me and I freeze, processing what hes saying. "So you mean.. you want me to fight, you'll let me help..." I mutter. "mmhmm!" he says, smiling as he places a hand on my cheek. "I- oh my god!" I mumble, before tuning and throwing my arms around his neck, my legs straddling his hips. He lets out a slight groan has I land directly on his chest, holding him close to me. 

"I can't even- thank you so much.." I whisper, placing a kiss to his cheek, my whole body feeling electric as I do so. "I have missed you. I don't remember missing you, it feels like no time has passed, like I've just woken from a dream, but I've missed you.." I mutter against his cheek, grinning. "I get what you mean, it all feels so raw. There is something you have to promise me though- no more leaving and no more rash decisions. I don't want a single dominant thought in your head not to be shared with me, please, I can't lose you." he tells me, his hands on my shoulder blades. "yeah, I'll stop being dumb." I tell him, grinning as I pull out of the hug slightly, my hands still loosely around his neck. "I love you so much." he says, smashing our lips together. I let my fingers weave into his hair, smiling into the kiss as his explore my back. I lean my head on his shoulder, a soft laugh falling from my lips. "Come on then, lets go stop my maniac of a friend." I say with a grin, patting his chest. He smiles back, taking my hand as we walk to the communal floor. 

an hour later, we are all sat around the big table, Thor telling us all he knows about Loki and his power after crashing gracefully through the window. I watch the sun slowly set as I listen, every now and then jumping in with my own information. I feel Steve's hand solftly rubbing mine, and I meet his eyes. "I know you two are close, I'm so sorry we're putting you in this position. you can sit this fight out if you want - you also have that concussion." he tells me softly. "No, I need to do this. he needs to be stopped, and maybe if he sees me helping to stop him it'll show him how much of an idiot he's being." I tell him, stretching my back out. "so Thor, whats the plan?" I ask, sipping my coffee. "You go in pretending to still be under Loki's spell, tell stories of capture to make him believe you. Get that scepter away from him so we can move in. we have to be brutal with his followers, he has this way of controlling that if you are fighting Loki they would literally kill themselves to stop you." he tells us, looking down. "yeah thats a good point - they aren't civilians, they're hostiles." Tony jumps in from where he's slouched in his seat, a foot on the table. I rub Steve's hand when I feel him tense at that, both of us keeping our eyes forward. "when we get him, I will take him and his scepter to Asgard so he can answer for his crimes." he tells us, and we all nod. "okay, sounds like a plan. anyone up for a party?" Tony asks, sipping a beer. "Really Tony?" Steve asks, giving him a disapproving look. "Don't get your panties in a twist, stars and stripes, its good for morale!" he tells us, clinking his beer with Thor's and causing Steve to roll his eyes.

"what are you drawing?" Steve asks as he walks into the room after helping Tony decorate, pulling off his too tight shirt. "Just Tony naked." I say casually, watching him freeze. "wh- uh-" he stutters, frozen in place. I laugh at his expression, placing my pencil down. "I'm joking obviously, wow that was beautiful, anyway, you'll just have to wait and see." I tell him, bringing the pencil back to the page. he groans, stepping into the bathroom and leaving the door open. a minute later there is the sound of running water, and I stand, quickly slipping on my black skater dress and sitting back down, tapping my pencil against the page. I started off by drawing Steve's outline, but now I have it I have no clue what to do with it. My eyes widen as I look up, Steve dripping wet after his shower, a towel wrapped loosely around his waist. I cough lightly, continuing my drawing, suddenly having my inspiration. We talk casually about the upcoming fight as fill out the details of Steve's hair, before moving onto his face. "oh come onnnn! I'm really curious now!" he tells me, falling dramatically onto the bed. "patience child, you'll see." I tell him with a grin, him instantly sitting up.

Suddenly his hands are on my sides and I'm squirming beneath him. "OH MY GOD STEVEEE THIS IS SO NOT FAIR!" I shout through laughs, my sketchbook falling on the floor. I pull my knees to my chest, tears escaping my eyes. "STEEEVVEEE STOP!" I laugh, still trying to knock the man off me, but jeez is he strong. "mmhmm, make me." he tells me, straddling my thighs. I raise my eyes at that challenge, his face suddenly filling with fear. "You'll regret saying that Cap." I grin, slowly hearing up my thighs, not hot enough to burn him but hot enough that he'll squirm. His eyes suddenly go wide, his jaw dropping. "oh- my god.." he mutters, his hands frozen on my hips. His eyes get a hungry look in them and I smirk, slightly glad to see this look. He's always been hesitant to touch me, always worrying about the small age gap between us. Its been an unspoken thing, we quickly became like an elderly couple instead of two 20 something year olds. I was starting to think that maybe he didn't see me in that way, but I guess this just proved me wrong.

His lips are instantly on mine, his tongue finding mine in an instant as he kisses me roughly, his fingers digging into my hips. I gasp into his mouth, my hands weaving into his hair as he involuntarily grind down onto my thigh, the heat sending him crazy. "Hey Ryder, Nat wanted me to- Oh my fucking god." Clint says, walking in. We spring apart instantly, Both our faces going tomato red. "I- uhhhhh- okay please lock your door. Nat wants a black lipstick." he says awkwardly, his face also red. "I think We've found it Steve, we've actually found how to make Clint blush!" I say, pulling myself upright. "shuddup..." he mutters, picking up my sketchbook before instantly dropping it. "WHOA NOT SOMETHING I WANTED TO SEE! my god Ryder, I am completely rethinking my opinion of you." he tells me, Steve's face instantly on mine. "wait.. is that actually Tony naked?" he asks Clint. Clint just gives me a 'what the fuck' look before taking the lipstick off me and quickly leaving. I laugh, picking my sketchbook back up and continuing to work on Steve's face. I draw the lines of his eyes too dark, but instead of correcting it, I grab the eyeliner pencil off my desk and make my way towards Steve. "stay still - I'm not going to poke your eye out." I tell him with a grin, sitting on his abdomen before leaning down towards his eye. "well thats reassuring.." he mutters. I do a black line beneath each eye, smudging it lightly before sitting back up, carefully standing and placing the pencil back down. "I've slept on concrete floors, surrounded by sweaty, muddy men while under heavy fire, and that was still the most uncomfortable thing I've felt." he moans dramatically as I continue with my drawing, laughing at his moans.

"well you did bring it on you-" the breath in my throat catches as I turn around. Steve's hair is tousled, his shirt untucked and the first few buttons undone. he's propped himself up on his shoulders, yet thats not even what made me stop. The eyeliner makes his eyes look infinitely bigger - as if thats possible with him. it also somehow makes his cheekbones look more striking, the blue in his eyes pop more. a smirk plays on the edge of his mouth and in that moment I think I actually forgot how to breathe. "Wha- oh- uh hi?" I stutter as someone knocks on the door. "am I safe to come in or are you guys having another teen make out session?" Natasha asks, poking her head around the door. "I- No you're safe..." I mutter, my eyes still on Steve. "well you look like you've just been stabbed." Ste tells me in a casual voice. I finally turn to her, her face going to a bit of worry and confusion. "I- I put eyeliner on Steve." I tell her, knowing my reaction is a bit dramatic but just wow. "oh my god... Steve don't take this the wrong way but I would so fuck you right now." she tells him, walking up to him. he blushes bright red and looks at me in confusion, which makes me laugh. "I- uh thanks? but maybe no?" Steve stutters not making eye contact with her. We both burst out into laughter, and Nat hands me my lipstick back. "no you keep it for tonight, just in case you need to re apply it." I tell her, handing it back to her. "oh okay, thanks." she says with a smile before leaving the room. I let out a chuckle, shaking my head at the last 5 minutes. I sit back down at my table, adding the finishing touches to my Steve drawing, before closing the book and stretching my back out, turning to see Steve still sat on the bed, his nose now buried in a book.

an hour later I'm leaning against to the bar, Thor excitedly telling me battle stories. "So they're finally letting you fight?" he asks, grinning. he's always been confused why they never let me fight. "yep, they said they want to train me up." I tell him with a grin, jumping as hands snake around my waist. "We decided that her ability to burn holes through people could be useful." Steve says with a laugh, resting his chin on my head. "yeah, only had to beat all them up. you finally manage to escape the reporters?" I ask, grabbing Steve's hand and looking sideways. "Yep, and the girls, thanks for the eyeliner by the way, I've already had 3 girls try to stick their hands down my pants. 3!" He huffs, Thor laughing before launching into another story, telling us in detail all about the battle that got him sent down to earth. 

"hey hot stuff, what would get me your number?" Tony asks, walking up to Steve. I see Nat pull her phone out across the room, and quickly realize that they're planning something. I grin at her, before taking a step back. "Depends what you're offering." Steve shoots, his chin raising slightly. I'll give it to him, he's getting better at this stuff. "Whatever you want, a guy like you has got to be hard to say no to." Tony really overacts, running his hands underneath Steve's jacket. "Thats not the only hard thing about me." Steve says, his eyes widening when he realizes what he just said, causing Tony to break character and burst out laughing, his head falling on Steve's shoulder. "oh my god- I don't know what I was expecting but that really was not it!" he laughs, his body going completely limp. "shuddup..." Steve mutters, his face going even more red as he holds Tony up, who is slowly pulling himself together. "or what, hot stuff?" Tony flirts, grinning. Steve hesitates, his eyes going to mine, his eyes unreadable. "Where'd you go?" Tony asks, clapping his hands to snap Steve out of his daze. "uh- just thought of something else there, sorry." he shakes his head, his brow furrowing. "ah my extreme hotness get you all worked up there, cap?" Tony laughs, patting his chest. I see Steve's lips move but I'm too far away to hear, but judging by their reactions Tony and Natasha heard, both of them bursting out laughing. 

maybe half an hour later I'm still with Thor, this time we're on the sofa and he's surprisingly drunk. "How are you not drunk, you've had the same numbers of drinks as me!" he half shouts, scowling at me. "I'm only 20, so I've been on the lemonade, sorry big guy." I tell him, patting his shoulder. "gah! this is unacceptable!" he tells me, pulling a flask out of his pocket and slipping some of its contents into my glass and winking. we quietly clink our glasses together, me grinning my head off. 

3 hours later I am resting my head on Clint's shoulder, my eyes squeezed shut and the room below me spinning from my seat, Clint pulling me up to the balcony that overlooks the communal floor. "how are you hungover?" Clint laughs, his arm wrapped softly around my shoulders. "Thor gave me some drink that made me black out for like an hour, I was totally off my head, dancing and telling the whole room my secrets - I think, thats just a guess because I don't remember a damn thing - and somehow now I'm a bad mix of hung over and still fucking tipsy!" I complain, making him laugh harder. "that serves you right for accepting a drink off of Thor." he tells me, my eyes opening as I sigh, watching as people slowly begin to leave. "I'm excited for the fight tomorrow." I mutter, thinking out loud. "yeah, me too, I can't wait to see how you fit into our group!" he tells me, giving my shoulders a squeeze. "I like the new hair by the way, the blue really wasn't working with the whole fire aesthetic." he tells me, making me laugh. "that was the gayest sentence I think I've ever heard." I tell him, looking into his eyes and raising an eyebrow. "maybe it was seeing the drawing of basically-naked Steve!" he tells me, rubbing his eyes and causing me to laugh. "the next one he'll be fully naked, and don't worry, I'll be redecorating your room. maybe I could get a peek at Tony too, add a few of them in the mix..." I mutter, laughing at his expression. "mmhmm yeah imma tell Steve that!" "wait what no he already thinks I drew him naked!" I punch his arm, feeling someone sit down next to me. "oh hey Steve your girlfriend here is going to try and get a pee-" I whack my hand over his mouth, a playful smirk on his face. "you ass. anyway, I'm only doing it bc the last one got you all hot!" I tell him, returning the smirk. "hey you're one to talk, it _literally_ gets you hot!" he laughs, obviously really proud of his joke. "oh wow, joke king over here." I reply sarcastically, punching his arm again.

"okay I'm so confused." Steve says, grinning at us. "just the drawing I did is making Clint quiestion his sexuality." I tell him. "ah, the naked Tony one." he says with a nod, both of us bursting out laughing at Clints expression. "I actually think its the eyeliner... fucking teenage heartthrob there cap." he tells him, causing Steve to blush heavily. "oh my god can guys please stop hitting on me because of my eyeliner..." he mutters. "okay I think that was gayer than what I said!" Clint shouts, grinning. "it would have been more gay if he said can guys keep hitting on me because of my eyeliner." I tell him, shrugging my shoulders, earning me an elbow to the chest from Steve. 


	29. the battle

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay this one gets far to smutty for my liking and it only hints at it! why am I so inept

"oh you absolute idiot - didn't anyone tell you not to accept drinks from Thor?" Steve laughs as I tell him my current predicament, placing myself down on my bed. "nope, you all decided to leave that for me to discover." I sigh, groaning as Steve laughs. suddenly theres a glass of water and 2 tablets in front of my face, which I take with a thankful smile. "well at least the hangover is now instead of tomorrow." he says with a shrug, joining me on the bed. "yeah, its going away a bit now luckily. wanna see that drawing?" I ask, standing up to put my glass away. "yeah, okay." he replies, standing up to join me. I grab my sketchbook and hand it to him, slipping off my heels as he flips to the correct page. "what the hell is this one?" he asks, grinning as he holds up a drawing that loosely resembles him. "oh god, I did that when I was drunk!" I laugh, brushing my fingers over the monstrosity. "that is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen!" he laughs, continuing to flip to the last drawing done in the book. "oh my- wow that is very accurate.." he mutters, my eyes also raking over the drawing, my attempt to replicate how he bites his lower lip subconsciously, trying to get the way the water droplets rest on his chest right.

I press my lips to his, feeling him carefully place down the book before winding his hands through my hair. I pull away, grinning. "I need to get changed, and you need to get that makeup off." I tell him with a smile, patting his cheek. he brushes his lips over my jaw and the muscles in my neck tense, the rest of my body turning to mush. "maybe we don't need to get changed." he tells me, grinning. I return the smile, instantly placing my mouth back over his as I pull off his jacket, discarding it on the floor as he pushes me backwards, knocking my legs out from underneath me and letting me fall onto the bed. his hands make quick work of my dress, that joining his jacket as I work my hands up underneath his shirt, quickly undoing the buttons, my mind a complete chaotic mess.

I open my eyes to the sound of my alarm clock, whacking my hand down on it. the memories of last night slowly come back to me and I feel myself blush. "oh- _oh my god okay that happened_." I think out loud, something squirming beneath me. I quickly notice that I'm laying on a very naked Steve, our legs wrapped up together, his arms over my back, my head on his chest. "uhhh- morning." he mutters with a grin, holding me close. "hi, we sadly need to go fight my stupid friend." I tell him into his chest, my words slightly muffled by his soft skin. Cold air assults my body as he pulls the covers back, his arms making their way beneath my legs as he picks me up, the air quickly being replaced with water. "I could just get you to carry me everywhere from now on... what a nice existence that would be..." I mumble, my arms still wrapped around his neck. he chuckles lightly, placing my legs down. "sadly I can't hold you and fight Loki at the same time, but I would if I could." he tells me with a smile, gently washing my hair as I run my fingers over his body, admiring it in a way I couldn't last night. 

we quickly change into our gear, my skin tingling with anticipation as I line my eyes in makeup, doing my classic plait along my hairline before grabbing Steve's shield. "C'mon Captain America, lets gooo!" I shout, poking my head through the bathroom to admire Steve, the overly tight suit clinging to his muscles. he grins, slotting the shield onto his back and grabbing my hand. 

"-easy to lift. its just a party trick." I hear Tony say as we walk in, all the others stood around chatting. "is that so? well feel free to lift it then." Thor replies, gesturing his hand towards Mjolnir. I grin when I see whats happening, leaning against the back of the sofa. Tony wraps both hands around the handle, a sweat breaking out on his face as he tugs. "you bitch." he mutters, letting go. everyone has a go, Bruce almost hulking up when its his turn. It quickly moves onto Steve, who gives the hammer an apprehensive look as he grabs it, lifting it easily as a grin breaks out onto his face, him just standing there, his legs together, the chest held in one hand, a grin on his face. "okay what the actual hell?" Tony whines as Steve places the hammer back on the table, Thor staring at him in awe. "I knew it." he mumbles, grinning like mad as Steve comes to stand next to me. "you're up Ryder." he tells me, nodding towards the hammer. "haha, yeah as if I'm worthy for anything." I mutter as I walk towards it, everyone rolling their eyes. "what? I'm just being a realist." I tell them with a smirk, grabbing Mjolnir and pulling hard, it lifting off the table slightly but slamming back down instantly. "see?" I tell them, Thor just giving me an interested look. "whats up, thunderbolt?" I ask him, watching as his face furrows. "you say you're not worthy but it lifted for you." he tells me, smiling. "yeah slightly, before changing its mind. probably still had some of Steve's- never mind." I mutter, stopping myself when I realize what I was about to say, Steve's face going bright red when he catches on.

"okay can we please leave? I've already seen you two making out, I do not need to hear about Steve's bodily fluids!" Clint shouts, sticking his fingers in his ears and grabbing his bow, making Steve blush even deeper. "oh dear god.. you heard." he mutters, looking at the group. "you had your bloody door open." Natasha snickers, the only one who doesn't look uncomfortable now. Both Steve and I groan at that, quickly rushing out of the room.

"Bye, I'll see you lot soon." I tell them as I walk towards Loki, my earpiece in place. "okay, remember not to let your ear get hot, tell us when its safe to move in." Tony tells me, the device making his voice slightly robotic. "will do. getting near now so I won't respond." I whisper, walking into the building site. "Loki! oh my god Loki they got me! they had me locked up, but I escaped." I tell him, falling into his arms. "oh my god, are you okay??" he asks, panic in his voice. "y-yeah.. I managed to melt the chains. I threw them off your course, they think we are on the outskirts of town." I tell him, looking into his green eyes. "Ah, well done! I'm so glad you're okay." he tells me, pulling me in for a hug. "okay I'm going to head over to the lab. I think I can make it so your scepter comes to you, a bit like with Mjolnir." I lie, him believing it instantly. "oh wow, that sounds epic! You know the code for the safe where it is, be careful." he tells me with a smile. I grin back, heading towards his vault. I quickly pull it open, gazing at the soft blue glow before grabbing the metal handle, heading towards another random safe. I change the lock code on the new safe, just in case, before closing it softly. 

"okay, the scepter is out of the field. move in." I tell them, my chest fluttering nervously as I think about what comes next. I head out the back, hopping onto the roof to watch as the Avengers pile in, hurt on Loki's face when he realizes I lied. "how did you get her back?" he asks, keeping with his act of bravado. "I hit her really hard on the head." Steve tells him, his face remaining blank. "ooo Captain, not very romantic." he teases with a smirk. I drop down then, landing next to Steve and raising my eyebrow. "you sure you don't want to sit this one out hun? I won't hesitate, as much as I care for you you're messing with my family business." Loki says, turning to me. "Who says I'll hesitate?" I snap back, placing a hand on my hip. I catch a ghost of a grin on Steve's lips out of the corner of my eye, and I shoot him one back. Loki grins as his army runs in, us all taking defensive poses as we form a tight circle, all our backs pressed together. "everyone get ready. If you get the chance, keep Loki occupied." Tony says. Steve's hand slips into mine and he squeezes my fingers tightly, before letting go and slamming his shield into one of the mindless zombies. I heat my hands up, throwing kicks and punches at the people and keeping my eyes on Loki, watching him grin. "go, I'll cover you!" Steve shouts as he catches me looking at Loki, throwing his shield at the man advancing towards me. "Stay alive." I tell him, taking off running. 

"Loki." I say, poison lacing itself through my words. "Charlotte. you were putting up a good fight down there." he says with a grin, not moving from his relaxed position of leaning against the handrail. "want to tell me where my scepter is?" he asks, still grinning. "Loki you know this won't win their appreciation. just stop this - don't fight me - you know we're going to win." I tell him, walking forward. "I don't want to fight you, but I will. the quiestion is are you strong enough to fight me? if you wanted, you could just turn around now, go out there, win this battle. you could even just walk away!" he says, placing a hand on my arm. "you know I won't. I love you Loki, please, just stop this." I plead with him, looking up into his eyes. "oh Charlotte, I do love you too, but this is beyond us." he tells me sadly, pulling me in for a hug. "it isn't. its just you and I. nothing else matters. so will you fight me?" I ask him, pulling away. "leave with me, just you and I?" he tries, his eyes desperate. I simply shake my head, crossing my arms. 

"thats sad, I really hoped you'd go for that one." he tells me, taking a swing at me which I dodge easily. "I'm not abandoning them, they are in the right." I tell him, dodging all of his advances and kneeing him in the stomach. "so I'm in the wrong?" he asks with a smirk, making a grab for my arm which I use to hop up onto his back, forcing him to fall to the ground. "You, Loki, are being an idiot. you're a good person, so why are you hurting everyone by doing this?" I ask, pinning him down, him not even struggling. "because I don't know how else to do this." he whispers as he flips us over, sending punch after punch to my face, one of them catching my cheek. "hmm. you're holding back." I say with a smirk. "let Thor, Frigga and I help." I tell him simply, kneeing him in the crotch and flipping him over. "oh dick move there! not fair." he whines through the pain, causing me to laugh. "literally a dick move." I laugh, him unable to hold back a giggle at that one. "okay, yeah, brought that on myself." he laughs, both of us going limp. "Loki, let us help you." I mutter after a moment, holding him close against me. "perhaps, but maybe its too late now." he mutters against my hair. 

"okay what the hell? we're down there fighting and you two are just up here fucking cuddling like Romeo and Juliet?" Clint asks as he walks in. "We were fighting, kind of, but then we ended up laughing and then this." I explain, sighing against Loki's chest. "Dick move..." he mutters, both of us breaking down into laughter. "oh my god..." Clint mutters, sighing. "how is it that you still smell relitively okay? I've slept in your bed after we've trained, you always fucking stink, but now, after not showering in god knows how long, you smell like normal, okayish Loki smell?" I ask, raising an eyebrow. "I'm the god of mischief. why do you think my hair is flawless?" he asks, removing his charm to show him in muddy clothes he probably found in a dumpster, his hair a trainwreck, his face smeared with mud. "oh- jesus fucking christ Loki!" I shout, covering my nose. he laughs, turning back on the trick and laughing. 

by now everyone is in the room, watching us with confusion. "come on you, I think you have a punishment awaiting you." I say, patting his chest. "ugh. how boring." he groans, standing up. I pull him in for a tight hug, holding him close. "Be good Loki, if you behave I may just visit." I tell him, watching as Thor wraps his hands in handcuffs. "the Scepter?" Steve asks from the corner of the room. "oh yeah, its this way." I say, everyone following as I quickly unlock the safe, pulling it out. "oh you're sneaky. I'm impressed." Loki says with a grin. I roll my eyes at him, turning to Thor and handing him the weapon. "thank you for your help, I hope to see you soon." he tells us, before stepping into the Bifrost. 

"I will never understand the relationship you have with that guy." Tony tells me, letting out a laugh. "ah, me neither. he's like my best friend, meets my enemy, meets my brother." I say with a laugh, walking towards the mass of bodies. "he always listens to me though, and I got through to him." I tell them, beginning the cleanup.

we finally collect everything into a big pile, all of us sitting down on the concrete. "wait whats that sound?" Nat asks, looking up at where Tony is flying upwards to get a better look. "guys get ready, we have a 3rd party incoming." We all stand as these ugly flying creatures round the corner. "oh my god, theres way too many.." Bruce mutters as he morphs into the hulk, letting out a roar. We all erupt into battle, us having the upper hand in skill but them completely overwhelming us in numbers. "everyone stick together, this is going to be a close one!" Steve shouts, pausing for a second to look into my eyes, before resuming the fight. the look in his eyes made me want to collapse right there. it had so much love, yet so much anger and desperation, as if he wished I wasn't there, as if he was _desperate_ for me to never have been here. the battle becomes a blur, my overall body temperature heating up slowly as it goes on. I watch in slow motion as 3 bugs attack Steve, my feet acting as if I were in a dream, unable to reach him fast enough. I begin pumping at his chest, blowing air into his lungs as I feel the bugs scratch at my back. everything else fades away, my heartbeat pounding in my ears as I plead for him to come back. he needs to. he needs to. "FUCK STEVE, DON'T YOU DARE!" I shout, crying as I pump at his chest, a few splutters coming out of his mouth as I lean back. "oh my god..." I laugh, falling onto his chest, before I notice the pool of blood. 

a trickle of blood escapes his lips as I stare in horror at the gaping hole in his back. "Steve no..." I mutter, grasping at his face. "ryder... guess its now my turn to be dramatic.." he laughs lightly, his hands on my arms. "okay just stay with me, we can- we will fix you..." I tell him, unsure of what to do as my heartrate takes over again. "you need to go back and fight, I'm not going to make it." he tells me, his eyes on mine. "you are- just- you are." I tell him, sobbing hard. "Ryder please, just let me go now.." he tells me, my skin becoming itchy, like little red ants are crawling over me. "You're fine, you're okay." I tell him, watching as his eyes slip shut. "NOT THE TIME!" I shout as more of the monsters crawl onto my back, my heart unbearably loud. I scream as I feel my skin erupt, my body curling up as heat covers everything, bright lights filling my eyes. 

"what the hell?" Tony asks as everything slumps to the ground, the lights dimming as I launch myself back at a now unconscious Steve, turning him over. "NAT- I NEED- NEED BRUCE!" I shout, her quickly making her way to the hulk to get Bruce back. The man quickly comes over, shaking out his arms. "Its - wow its bad... I'm going to need you to burn him." he tells me, looking mildly panicked. "I think giving him more injuries will make it worse!" I shout, still seeing red. "no I mean you need to seal the wound." he tells me quietly, and I stare at him for a second, before placing my knees either side of his hips. "I'm sorry, this is really going to hurt." I mutter, heating my hand up and placing it over his back, the smell of burning flesh assulting my nose. He lets out a scream, his legs kicking as I keep pinning him down, tears rolling down my face. I quickly finish, adjusting my jacket so its back under his head and placing my hand on his shoulder. "I'm sorry.." I mumble, running my fingers through his hair. "lets get him home." Bruce tells me and I nod, gently picking Steve up and making my way towards the quinjet.


	30. as the final chapter fades away

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh god I've descended into 2009 era emo titles... get ready for what is most likely going to be a rather angsty, yet overly soppy mess. (I say this like this hasn't always been that but I'm dramatic leave me alone)
> 
> (while writing the ending) I'm v v sorry.

I stand in the hallway outside of the medbay, chewing the inside of my cheek and pacing while the doctors stitch Steve up. Its been an hour since we got back, the nurses quickly rushing Steve into the room, Bruce laying his hand flat against my chest, telling me "There's nothing more you can do. just rest." _Just rest._

"hey can you _stop_ _!_ " Clint whines, his eyes following my pacing. I stand still for a second, turning to face the man before returning to my worried pacing. "hey hey hey hey Ryder!" Tony says, placing his hands on my shoulders. He silently pulls me in for a tight hug, rubbing my back. "He will be _fine_ but you have to let the doctors do their jobs. Steve's healing is mental, he'll be back in no time." He tells me, gently swaying as he holds me close, my mind numb as it searches for words. "Come, lets grab a coffee." he mumbles, taking my hand and leading me from my spot, my eyes reaching for Steve.

Tony places a mug in front of me, the steam swirling gently in the air. "what happened to you, back there? I only caught parts of it but it was like you had exploded." he tells me, leaning over the table towards me. "I- I don't know my heartbeat was so loud- it drowned out everything. I couldn't think..." I mutter, my voice hoarse. "Your skin cracked, its the only way I can describe it. you were glowing, then after that big burst of light your skin had these cracks, revealing red light inside, glowing the same as your eyes do." I jump, turning to see Natasha sat on the sofa. "ah- okay thats odd." I mumble, shocked at how emotionless I sound.

Tony and I talk for a while longer over our coffees, his arm snaking around my shoulder as he pulls me in for a hug. "oh shit, my coffees gone cold. no reason to live anymore." he says, throwing his arms up in the air. I laugh lightly at him, taking the half full mug in my hands and gently warming the liquid until its steaming again. I look down at my hands, the cracks there. "oh what the fuck?" I ask holding them up to inspect them. "your eyes are doing the thing too.. I have to say you look fucking epic." Tony says as he watches me run my fingers over the cracks. "they aren't like cuts - they have no elevation.." I mutter, still amazed by the marks. "Ryder?" Bruce asks, walking up to me softly. "Steve is back together again, but he sustained a lot of damage. he's in a coma." Bruce tells me, his face sad. 

"wh-what?" I gasp, standing up. "For how long? was it intentional?" I as, my mind racing. "Not intentional, and theres no what to know if he'll wake." he tells me softly, walking towards me. "you mean when right? _Right?_ Its not if, he's Steve fucking Rogers." I shout, rubbing my hands over my face and resting them in my hair, pulling harshly at the strands. "Ryder-" Tony starts but I cut him off. "NO TONY DON'T RYDER ME LIKE I'M BEING IRRATIONAL! YOU'RE TELLING ME STEVE ROGERS- CAPTAIN FUCKING AMERICA COULD DIE FROM A FEW SCRATCHES!" I snap, turning to face Tony.

"Its not a few scratches. He has deep wounds that got infected, not to mention the emotional strain of the battle and when you burnt him to seal the wound." Bruce tells me, his face soft. "gah.." I mutter, unable to form any other words. "I- I gotta get out of here." I mutter, pushing past Bruce and storming out the door, the warm summer air hitting me in the face as I leave. I wander the streets of new york for an hour, before stopping in front of a bar and walking in. I soon find myself sat at the bar, a cider and my fake ID sat on the table in front of me.

god Steve, why is it always you that gets hurt? why do you always have to do the selfless thing, put yourself in the line of fire?

I let my mind wander over the events of the last few years, beginning at the events of yesterday and working my way back.

_ Steve's hand slips into mine and he squeezes my fingers tightly, before letting go and slamming his shield into one of the mindless zombies.  _ ( ah, yesterdays battle, before we started fighting) 

_ I quickly notice that I'm laying on a very naked Steve, our legs wrapped up together, his arms over my back, my head on his chest. "uhhh- morning." he mutters with a grin, holding me close.  _ (after _that_ night..)

_his hands are on my sides and I'm squirming beneath him. "OH MY GOD STEVEEE THIS IS SO NOT FAIR!" I shout through laughs, my sketchbook falling on the floor. I pull my knees to my chest, tears escaping my eyes. "STEEEVVEEE STOP!" I laugh, still trying to knock the man off me, but jeez is he strong. "mmhmm, make me." he tells me, straddling my thighs._

_I sit up, looking at Steve where he's stood at the end of the bed, the confused look on my face morphing into horror as my eyes lock onto the deep burn on his chest, in the shape of a hand_ (god things changed that night)

_"Thats a good thing that you love me, because even though you do idiotic things and literally get yourself killed, and even though you don't seem to know how to deal with these emotions, causing you to leave because you think you don't deserve us, I have never loved anyone more." He tells me, still grinning._ (the first time he said he loves me, before all this power drama, it was so simple)

_ I hear a deafening clang as something hits Steve's shield, and I look up to see him blocking an attack aimed at me. he knocks the alien out, before kissing me quickly, whispering "be careful." In my ear. I smile, launching back into action.  _ (I knew I loved him at this point, that teenage awkward emotion overload that I long for now)

_ "You're perfect.." he mutters, smashing his lips against mine and pulling his hands to cup my face. My hands snake up his back, coming to rest on the back of his neck. he pulls away softly after a couple seconds, the kiss being short and innocent yet holding so much emotion. we just stay like that smiling for what feels like an eternity.  _ (our first kiss (then my extreme overreaction to said kiss))

_ I turn around, seeing a tall, muscular body, a pair of black skinny jeans and a grey Tshirt covering his body, his hand held towards me. "Steve Rogers, nice to meet you." Steve smiles at me. _

and nice indeed it was to meet you, Steve Rogers. I let the tears flow carelessly down my cheeks now, the memories of the man I love still ringing loud in my head. He is going to wake up, he has to. he promised not to leave me like this. A few more drinks later and I can hardly walk, but also far too ashamed to go back to the Avengers tower. I find myself wandering the streets, my mind completely empty. A horn honks next to me, causing me to sigh, picking up the pace of my walking. "hey hot stuff, wanna have a good time?" Natasha calls, her voice laced with sympathy. "depends. I'm not cheap, y'know." I respond, my voice flat and empty. "If you come with I won't tell Tony that you're drunk!" She responds, opening the door. I sigh, slipping into the car. "I'm not _drunk_ drunk, just, y'know, drunk" I tell her, placing my head in my hands. "I get you, you've had a rough night." she says quietly, driving quickly back home.

That night goes by in a blur of nothing, I spend most of the time sat staring blankly at my wall. the morning light floods my room, telling me its time to get up. I slip downstairs, going straight to the medbay to check in. "How is he?" I quietly ask Bruce, still ashamed for how I went off on him yesterday. "he's not doing too well. his vitals are all over the place - he isn't settled. you can stay with him, but I'm afraid he'll be brain dead within the week." He tells me, pulling me in for a hug. "oh." I mutter, the words 'brain dead' ringing through my head. I know what that means, that means they'll turn off the life support.

I spend 2 months by his bed, reading books, poems, sometimes just telling him random thoughts, memories, dreams. The longer time goes on, the less responsive he becomes, and the more desperate my attempts to wake him up are. I eventually took to kissing him, nothing too weird, just soft, loving kisses, willing him to come back to me.

"how is he?" Tony asks, pulling up a chair beside me. "same as always. asleep." I sigh, resting my head on Tony's shoulder. "what the hell happened to super soldier healing? he survived 70 years in ice, yet this is killing him?" I ask quietly. "He will come through." he mutters through a clenched jaw, rubbing the top of my head. "his last chance to wake up is coming up, Ryder, I need you to know its getting to the point where there isn't much else we can do for him." Bruce tells me, his hand on my shoulder. "I- yeah I know, thank you Bruce." I say, still grasping Steve's hand. 

A few days more pass, and I'm reading Steve a sciency book. the weather is cold now, its getting to halloween time. I have one hand firmly in Steve's, the other holding my book open, making turning pages a little dodgy but I make do. "Steve, Bruce doesn't think you are going to wake up, but I need you to. I love you so much, and I can't imagine my life without you so please, don't leave me like this." I say quietly, still not able to cry about it. I used to be so optimistic, Steve _was_ coming back, but now I just don't know.

"I promised, remember, I'm not leaving." Steve says from behind me, my body whipping around. "oh my god- Steve-" I say, throwing myself at him and catching his lips in a deep kiss. "Ryder..." he mutters, grinning. "I love you Steve." I choke out, staring into his blue orb eyes, his hands in my hair. "oh god do I love you too. I could hear you, all the time I could hear you." he tells me with a smile, pulling me in for another kiss, his arms still weak. "marry me." he says as he pulls back, his hands on my cheek. "wha- what?" I stumble, sitting back onto his thighs. " _marry me_ Ryder, please?" he asks, his fingers ghosting over my sides. "oh my god, yes!" I shout, kissing him again. I look sideways as his heart monitor goes mad, his face paling. "okay, its okay, just relax." I tell him, hiding my panic as I gently climb off him, my hands on his cheek as doctors rush in. "hey eyes on me Rogers. We're together, we're going to get married, and I love you more than anyone. We'll be okay." I tell him, tears in my eyes. "Don't cry for me love, I'm right here." he says, a tear rolling down his cheek. I notice the doctors stepping away, sorry looks on their faces. so thats how it is.

my breath catches in my throat as I pull Steve in for a kiss, a _last_ kiss, making it lingering and warm and desperate, yet loving and comforting. I pour every last emotion into that, shoving all our nights together, every cute comment, every kiss, every touch into that kiss. I shakily pull away, holding him in a tight hug as I rest my forehead against his, tears flowing shamelessly down our faces. "you were the love of my life, keep living, my love." he mumbles, his eyes on mine until the very last second, the buzzing of the heart monitor finally breaking me. 

"STEVE NO!" I scream, over and over, clinging onto him, clinging onto him for dear life. "Ryder.. he's gone." Tony says, his hands on my shoulders. I press a kiss to his cold lips, holding him close for the last time. "And you were the love of my life, you know I can't keep living without you." I whisper against his neck, placing another kiss there before sliding his eyelids shut, turning to pull Tony into a tight embrace. "lets leave, Steve isn't here anymore." I tell him, taking his hand and walking out of the room. Everyone knows what it means when they see me, this being the first time I've left the medbay in months. "Its fine, Steve- I- " I turn and sob into Tony's chest, feeling his soft tears hitting my head. I soon feel everyone else silently join the hug, us all saying there for an eternity. 

An hour later I'm sat on the grass in Steve's favourite field, knowing Steve is there too. "I can't live without you Steve, I don't think I'm meant to." I tell him, crying softly. "Heimdall, tell Loki I'm sorry." I shout, laying back and allowing my body to heat up, its temperature climbing quickly to temperatures I haven't reached before. "I'm on my way, my love."

_ softly falling they hit the ground _

_ cold and empty, without a sound _

_ there they rest and fade away _

_ lost in a sea of snowflakes _

_ sometimes they'll glance up and wonder why _

_ the sun will always need to shine _

_ as they melt away into the sea _

_ of the other fallen bodies _

_ softly falling I hit the ground _

_ cold and empty, without a sound _

_ there without you I fade away _

_ lost in a sea of snowflakes _

You lit up my life, Steve Rogers, and although it was short, I wouldn't trade it for the world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so thats it, thank you if u stuck around, sorry if you're crying, cause I am too.


End file.
